December 1968; São Paulo, Brazil: Mick Jagger and Keith Richard of The Rolling Stones are endeavouring to write a lyric for their forthcoming single.  The chaps already have a melody for the song that they have named Honky Tonk Woman yet are stuck on the bloody lyric. Accompanying them in Brazil are their girlfriends Marianne Faithfull and Anita Pallenberg respectively.

 “I say Keith old chap I’m trying my very hardest to put a lyric to this sublime melody what you have writ yet am a tad bolloxed as to how to conclude the first line. As you well know nothing flows until that all important first line takes shape.”

“Good Lord Mick it really is unlike you to get bolloxed thus. Tell me what have you got thus far……you never know I might get a flash of inspiration and slip one in.”

“Not with my Marianne you won’t you rascal you! Right this is what I’ve got – and do remember the theme of this song is about a prostitute for we mustn’t stray from that – ‘I met a gin soaked bar-room queen in………’ and that my friend is jolly well it.”

“Um I see what you mean Mick…..let me have a think…….OK….try this one, ‘I met a gin soaked bar-room queen on the North Circular road as she was so pissed so got off the tube train at the wrong stop so I gave her a lift home thus ensuring her safety.’ Nice one don’t you think?”

“Bit wordy Keith…bit wordy…….and no Marianne you may not stuff yourself with yet another Mars Bar….how many times do I have to tell you they are for Keith and me to top up our blood sugar levels and thus provide a glucose rush when the wretched tiredness starts to overwhelm our creativity.  Right Keith sorry about that little intervention caused by the incorrigible nature of Ms Faithfull……what else might you have?”

“Well Mick while you were giving Marianne a bit of an ear wigging there I thought of this, ‘I met a gin soaked bar-room queen on a cross channel ferry but she fell overboard and drowned so lashed up with mother’s ruin was she.’ A winner methinks.”

“Um….very good yet not quite what we’re looking for in my book. Another stab please……and for crying out loud Anita I have never in all my born days seen a gal scoff another’s gals Mars Bar quite like you are doing now……both of you young ladies desist this very instant or Keith and I will have to smack your bums……and don’t the both of you giggle when I say that; why do you always giggle when I say that though…..never mind forget it……. Back to you Keith, what have you got for me?”

“Clincher Michael…I do believe I’ve got a clincher with this one. Here we go, ‘I met a gin soaked bar-room queen in the confessional of the local catholic church.’ I did once as it happens, she’d gone in the cubicle thing to throw up and I was sat next door as it were confessing like a good’un thinking she was the priest. It was only when I heard the poor girl utter the words, ‘I just want to fucking die’ that I could detect she was a female. Whatever, are you with me on this one?”

“Cannot say I am Keith….it’s just not capturing the feel for the lyric I’m looking for. Tell you what let’s pop back to the lodge for tea and scones and see whether or not that might just get the juices flowing again……and no Marianne….creative juices in an artistic way I’m talking here….don’t be smutty.”

“Sound idea Mick.  By the way do you remember that old tom we met in ‘Memphis’ upon the occasion of our last visit? Bit of a goer she was I recall.”

“I recall the young lady well yet let us not get side tracked chatting about our time in ‘Memphis’ when we have a lyric to pen.”

“Sorry Mick, my mistake.”



  1. I met a gin soaked bar-room queen in

    See, that’s the problem right there. You got to triangulate your geography on the gin-soaking part. At least to the best of my extensive knowledge that rules out Memphis.

    South of the Mason-Dixon line, they drink clear whisky, no more than two days old.

    So how about?..

    I met an ethanol soaked bar-room queen in Mussel shoals, Alabama

    1. Sounds my kind a place – a home for neo-mother’s ruin (a Victorian phrase for certain ladies in London who conducted their business whilst the worse for gin by the way).

    1. Ah, the lovely, young Marissa – I ran out of poets for the moment! I did Bob Dylan and also Leonard Cohen stuck for lyrics ages ago so thought the Stones might work. With this template to work to I’ll be boring readers for weeks to come.

      1. Yes, I must have missed those older ones. However, there is an endless number of rock bands to use if you are so inclined. Never a boring moment with you!

      2. Cheers – appreciated, although I must say the wife is looking bored presently, but then again I make her test drive this rubbish before posting them!

  2. There’s nothing sexier than Mick Jagger unless it’s Mick Jagger at a loss for words and begging for help. This has got to be one of your best writer’s block skits yet! Sadly, (or oddly) both of my birth parents have confessed that I was conceived to “Sympathy for the Devil” so I’m either possessed or a true Stones fan at heart. 🙂

    1. I’d like to think I was conceived to the music of Wagner belting out in the background. In truth it was probably a silent Saturday night following mum and dad’s return from the pub and after fish, chips and pickled onions.

      1. LOL! Trust me…it’s creepy when they tell you what was actually going on. It’s WAAAAYYY too much information. But thanks to you, now I want fish and chips. They can keep the pickled onions. 🙂

      2. I acquired a jar of tiny onions pickled in balsamic vinegar just yesterday – very French. Not a great lover of the English whopping great ones these little buggers were a delight sat upon a salad as they were!

      3. Ah, well, when I visit your land, I will have to impose upon you to show me what to eat and what to avoid. You seem to have good taste in cuisine. 🙂

      4. I shop and cook; Shirley does the practical things as it happens. There was a time when each Christmas I’d buy her a new power tool!

      5. Ack, she’s my kind of lady! My stepdad used to buy me a new power tool every Christmas, too! Not that I necessarily like doing those things, but I was either married to or dated a loser that wouldn’t lift a finger to do any of that for me. LOL! Do you have an apron that says “Kiss The Cook”? 🙂

      6. Shirl actually enjoys all that practical stuff I am incapable (true) of doing believe it or not she’ll be doing the soundproofing as G is as useless as me. I generally cook naked (lie) save for when we have guests.

      7. LOL! Well, maybe I can get there sooner than later and help her with the soundproofing. I helped Jeremy, so I’m a pro now. 😉 I’m going to have to definitely do a portrait session of you two, but if you cook when I’m there, please wear the apron so Shirley doesn’t pop me in the eye if I accidentally ogle you.

      8. Given the slow pace of everything we do I’m guessing we will need your help! Even moving in these parts can take 2-3 months for all the legal stuff to get completed. Still when you are over here it would be unwise of you to take snaps of me as your lens would likely shatter. At least I can cook though.

      9. Oh, stop it! You’re handsome and you know it! 🙂 Wow, 2 to 3 months will feel like forever! At least that gives you plenty of time to pack. Sadly, though the weather might be cold by then and Shirley won’t get to start in her garden right away. 😦

      1. Ah, you’ve helped more than you know for I run into form today and another lyricist will be on the rack very shortly. As it happens I thought it crap but good old Shirl told me otherwise!

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