juniper 3


Well the headmistress took it upon herself to run IQ Tests on my sweet, darling little 9 year olds to see just how clever they all are. I must admit I almost got carried away with the fun of it all!  The very best bit was getting all the test papers back to mark.

Little – well tiny really – Marie, an adorable child managed 100% and she’ll go far. Even so in life one has to expect that there are those who one day will become brain surgeons and those who will dig holes. Of course one should never feel ashamed of only being fit to dig holes in the road for it means all your limbs are intact and that’s a plus in anyone’s book. Obviously I wouldn’t want to live next door to a ‘hole-digger’ but that’s another issue.

And thus it was that I came to mark the test paper on Denis Thuggery, who in all truth and if he follows his father’s example will likely end up prison one day – still at least the positive there is that it will be of pleasure to Her Majesty and you can’t ask for much more than that can you now.

Denis, a bright boy in many ways at first refused to sit the test – indeed he told me to shove the paper up my arse! It was only when I explained to him I would turn a blind eye to him setting alight ‘again’ to Ms Tomkinson’s rodent collection at playtime he reluctantly agreed.  Denis gave some very unusual answers to the questions – some even made me chuckle at the way he thinks outside the box. Here are a few of the questions and Denis’ answers;

Q: Make a sentence from these scrambled letters G O T A D M G G D S A H A A D Y


Q: When Tracey says 3 + 3 = 7 why has she given the wrong answers?

A: Because she’s a tart and she can’t even park a car

Q: What is a hermaphrodite?

A: You Miss because although you’ve got great big knockers you also have quite a lot of unsightly facial hair befitting a testosterone charged geezer like my dad.

Q: What was Alexander the Great famous for?

A: Being as bent as a butchers hook

Q: What is a philosopher?

A: A tit in a trance

……… and so on.

Right at the end we posed the general question, ‘What subjects could you do better in?’ Denis answered, ‘Spilling’ then added, or perhaps ‘Sex Education – although that would improve beyond all measure if Miss Fervent the gym mistress gave practical demonstrations without any kit on.’

The thing was, ‘Spilling’ aside Denis scored 99% coming second in class to that little – well tiny really – Marie! How very shocked, yet pleased I was for the child.

Who would have expected that? Anyhow with this in mind I penned a short poem for Denis which reads;


Your father’s banged up for GBH in the Scrubs

Your mother I’ve heard is on the game

And your elder brother is out on remand

Awaiting trial, yet claiming he was framed


For beating seven barrels of shit

Out of the parking metre man

He says ‘It weren’t me it were my mate Brian

So fucking Brian can carry the fucking can’

I thought it best to use colloquial English in this verse – how very cosmopolitan of me! I shall be popping around to Denis’ home with a signed framed copy of this poem and really can’t wait to see his reaction which I know in my heart will be one of utter delight.

Must get on now – jolly hockey sticks and all that.



  1. Great stuff as usual…really, there is nothing that could dampen her spirits, is there? Love how you demonstrate positivity can be a really dysfunctional coping mechanism!

    1. Your are the master of dissection – a talent I had as a detective yet seem to have lost along the way. That skill is most probably why I can get into the analysis side of your posts. It is a great skill you have there.

      1. Thanks…but in the case of coping mechanism I’m merely paraphrasing what I was taught when I studied psychology (which is arguably among the easiest studies around…)

      2. Not easy methinks for to dissect one needs be play the role of one who is paranoid or actually be paranoid – it is the only way all angles of a specific subject matter can be covered. In my old job I had to be paranoid and trust nothing anyone said or did – took me years to get normal after we sold the business.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s