gloom 3

“Good morrow Doctor Gloom and might I say you look a happy, spritely soul this fine day. What Sir are you drinking?”

“Pint of your usual gnat’s piss landlord and what pray is this upbeat greeting all about? It’s freezing cold out there; pissing with rain and I’m soaked fucking through.”

“Oh come on Gloomo do fucking cheer up – everyday it’s the same. You cast a shadow of negativity upon my establishment such that my regular punters have started complaining. I was just trying to cheer you up a bit. Obviously it hasn’t worked. Anyway what’s new?”

“Mind your own fucking business you nosey twat but if you must know I’ve been robbed of my brand new baseball bat.”


“Yes, ‘really’ you see I took it upon myself to collect said baseball bat that I had pre-ordered from Sports Direct on my way to this piss poor boozer of yours yet have subsequently gone and had it stolen.”

“Why Gloomo would you want a baseball bat in the first place – that’s what I’d like to know?”

“Wasps, that’s why. I hate wasps with a vengeance. Just last evening one slipped in through the bathroom window no doubt attracted by the sugary emissions from my strawberry flavoured toothpaste and in the flurry of activity that followed it stung me about my parts….you know….down below.”

“Let’s get this right Gloomo, you’re telling me that whilst brushing your teeth naked a wasp stung you on the knob?”

“Yup that’s about the strength of it and that landlord is why I phoned Sports Direct first thing and ordered the baseball bat with a view to beating the living shit out of that specific wasp. It’s trapped in the bathroom as I speak and it’s got it coming to it you see as I doubt if my savaged member will ever be the same again, notwithstanding the fact that the wife’s eyes lit up when she saw the swelling. Of course when I got her to apply the Wasp-Eze lotion that wiped the smile off her unusually hopeful face. She wore rubber gloves mind and refused point blank to accede to my request and adorn herself in the nurse’s uniform from Ann Summers I gifted her for Christmas several decades ago. Waste of fucking money that was if the truth be told.”

“Poor old you – I’m confused though, how on earth did you allow it to be nicked just a short stroll from the pub….I mean Sports Direct is only just up the road?”

“Well as it happens I felt an itching about the nethers – I’m guessing here that that would be an indication of the healing process following the sting – and felt compelled to have a swift scratch. So as not to offend any passing ladies I took it upon myself to enter the empty bus shelter and setting aside the baseball bat for a moment I undid my fly and gave the old todger a surreptitious, yet jolly good clawing.”

“I bet you did.”

“It turned out to be the case that at that very moment the Epsom & Ewell Taliban Committee – all four of them that is – had decided to hold their monthly branch meeting within the same fucking bus shelter.  I overheard them saying that the usual street corner meeting place was off the menu as it was pissing down. Whatever, whilst I was scratching away like a good’un they were going on and on about how they were going to bring Sharia Law to Surrey yet were bolloxed in that they had no weaponry with which to enforce their proposed variation to the tried and tested legal system we have enjoyed for centuries. That is when one of them spotted my baseball bat and said, ‘Here Raj this’ll do won’t it?’ At this Raj said, ‘Nice one Alan mate.’ With that Alan nicked me bat and they all ran off shouting, ‘Loser’ at me and giving me the sign of the wanker. Plainly I could do nothing what with me hands being down me trousers.”

“Not your day really Gloomo old chap. What are you going to do about the wasp then?”

“Fuck knows.”




  1. And it just so happens that a wasp flew in to my bathroom window just the other night. Fortunately, it was buzzing around the screen so we just shut the window and I imagine it suffocated though none of us has been brave enough to find out. Anyway, I’d say it was handled a bit better than Doctor Gloom’s go at it!

  2. Just last night, I found a spider in my… Never mind. Excellent post! Of course, I was waiting for you to say he was allergic, and his knob had swollen to the size of the baseball bat, and then he got them confused. But I like your ending better! 🙂

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