“SHE CAN KILL WITH A……………..CLUB HAMMER” AS BILLY JOEL SUFFERS FROM LYRICISTS BLOCK!

billy_joel-shes_always_a_woman_s_4

A Penthouse Flat, New York. 1977: The singer-songwriter of international acclaim Billy Joel is putting the finishing touches to his forthcoming album ‘The Stranger.’ Not that he is aware of it yet but this album will in years to come be recognised as his magnum opus. The thing is presently he feels he needs a ballad of epic proportions in order to get the balance of the songs spot on.  He has a title for the ballad, ‘She’s Always a Woman,’ he even has a sublime melody. Also he has the makings of the first line of the lyric. It’s just that he cannot for the life of him find the elusive last word to that first line. We join Billy as he’s having a chat with his then wife Elizabeth Weber to whom the song will be dedicated.

“Bollocks Liz I’m stuck darling.” 

“You’ve not locked yourself in the loo again have you Billy boy?” 

“Thankfully not dear it’s just that this love ballad what I am composing for you is going nowhere at the moment. In essence I am stuck on the very first line – would you believe it! Me……..me of all people, stuck!” 

“OK don’t get one of your snits on Billy. Give me what you’ve got and let me see if I can assist in any way, shape or form.” 

“Well Liz what I have is, ‘She can kill with a………….’ then not a fucking sausage. I fear my brain is as dead as the proverbial dodo’s dick.” 

“Oh Billy don’t be such a silly boy all you have to do is consider what a weak and feeble woman such as I could kill with. For example I personally think that ‘She can kill with a pet alligator left in the bathtub when her husband, unaware of the potential danger steps into said tub in order to have a swift ablution.’ There simples!” 

“Stuff me Liz I’m looking for a single word not a fucking novel. Non-starter I feel.” 

“You could at least have said thank you for trying. Still little deters me, what about um…… ‘She can kill with a breath’ that has to be the clincher. Don’t you remember that time when I got a bit tipsy and we went to the Indian restaurant whereupon I stuffed my face with that curried, garlic laden lentil dish and the next morning when we woke up you refused to partake of your conjugal rights so rank was my breath.” 

“Certainly do – if I recall correctly you were, as you succinctly put it ‘rank’ from both ends for a good 48 hours, chucking up about the orifices as you were. How could I forget that – your breath could have stripped the paint off the Brooklyn Bridge if the truth be told.” 

“I think you’ve made your point Billy. Anyhow will that do?”  

“Short answer? Not a prayer. Try again.” 

“Crikey this gets harder every time. This is my very last go, ‘She can kill with a club hammer,’ and very likely will if I don’t get some positive feedback.” 

“A fucking club hammer…..that’s hardly romantic is it? No Liz I need a little something to get the old creative juices flowing again….what say we pop down to the old piano bar in the Bronx and partake of a couple of small libations that might do the trick methinks?” 

“I’m up for that and may I just say it’s nice to see you ‘smile’ again. You do really have such an infectious ‘smile’ you know.” 

“Your own ‘smile’ is, by the way exquisite yet please Liz do not rabbit on causing me to go off piste on the composition front dear.”

 

 

 


18 thoughts on ““SHE CAN KILL WITH A……………..CLUB HAMMER” AS BILLY JOEL SUFFERS FROM LYRICISTS BLOCK!

  1. Still guffawing out loud from ‘rank at both ends,’ Mike. Nowt like a bit of earthy humour, I’ve always said!

    1. That moment of inspiration was born of Shirley scoffing a vindaloo with several glasses of pear cider recently – earthy Devon maid that she is! Mind I am no paragon of virtue on that front myself when the mood takes me.

  2. Well now you’ve done it! I’m afraid I will never be able to listen to that song with quite the same sentiment again. You know, it’s funny…I think this is the first time I’ve read one of these types of posts where you are using an American, and a New York Jew at that. Do you think he’s use phrases like bollocks, and darling? It would be funny if you attempted to do something like this in New York-ese. Hopefully not being overly critical here as I realize it’s just a fun blog post but I actually think it would be funny and interesting to see that attempt from you.

    1. You’re right as it happens – the thing is I can write English posh; English common; London and Devon but New York not a hope! It is thus that my fall back position is to lean toward the ludicrous; the impossible. Having said that Billy Joel is an absolute favourite of mine – a genius no less. Sincerely trust the song isn’t ruined forever.

      1. Not at all. Just kidding about that ( the song).

        You should probably watch a movie like Moonstruck or Goodfellas and see what you come up with, only if you want of course. But I think it would be a funny blog to see what you come up with, kind of presented tongue and cheek.

      2. I’m actually a great fan of Woody Allen (subjective I know yet to me the only man of wit on the planet) and in my head my New York accent is perfect – just can’t write it down. As my old teacher used to say on my end of term reports, ‘must try harder.’

      3. Yes, there you go…Woody Allen… no one would have New York Jew-ese down better than him. It’s funny, I could definitely write something using lots of British expressions but I just don’t think it would be as funny. When us ugly Americans try to sound British it is just sad (thanks Madonna) but I would think a Brit trying to sink to our level could be really satirical.

  3. Bwaahaaahaaa! This one was brilliant! I do’t know which part made me laugh harder: “I fear my brain is as dead as the proverbial dodo’s dick” or “I got a bit tipsy and we went to the Indian restaurant whereupon I stuffed my face with that curried, garlic laden lentil dish and the next morning when we woke up you refused to partake of your conjugal rights so rank was my breath.” I laughed so hard, I scared my cats and now they’re staring at me! 😀

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