beryl cook

“Beryl my luv you’ll have to trust me on this one. What with mould and bacteria having a tendency to build up in the detergent drawer and lint filter of this here washing machine of yours it will always have a tendency to fester in the rubber seal around the door hole. The thing is that in order to prohibit that fucking awful pong – excuse my French – you must, and I cannot stress this enough, take a regular  look at the seal to see if it needs a scrub. It’s probably not helped by the soft water what you have in Plymouth either as it happens.”

“Oh Jonny rest assured I will. I mean it was such an obnoxious odour it even made the cat sick – that’s how bad it was. I can’t thank you enough.”

“No problemo Beryl. Anyway how have you been keeping? Still knocking out those paintings of fat birds depicting them as is your want as happy, flamboyant and extrovert characters that live life to the full in situations which we can all recognise in today’s culture?”

“Certainly am Jonny – just this morning I finished one that I think is right up your street.  I’ve called it ‘Nude on Leopard Skin.’”

“Nude you say and a big girl I’m guessing. Let’s take a peek if I may.”

“Certainly Jonny………over here………what’s your take on it?”

“Crikey I wouldn’t like to feed her for a week yet she is rather lovely – curves in all the right places if you get my drift. The leopard skin sets her off a treat as well.  In point of fact isn’t that Gunnilda Gammon the stripper-gram girl in constant demand both sides of the Tamar? Loves her cider I’ve heard tell.”

“One and the same Jonny. A kinder soul you couldn’t wish to meet and free spirit to boot – she’s up for anything that one and always got her smile on her face.  She can be a bit clumsy though.”

“Yeah Beryl my luv she certainly can especially so ‘in drink’. I well remember my brother Harry’s 21st birthday. I took advantage of her services at a very affordable fee and there we were in the pub – the Pony & Trap for the record – when in comes Gunnilda lashed up on scrumpy dressed as a nurse. Harry was taken aback I can tell you; he even fell for it thinking she was a real nurse twat that he is. Whatever, she had her kit off quicker than a brides panties yet in casting her gear aside tottered somewhat and fell starkers into the cream laden ginormous birthday cake.”

“Was Harry miffed about that?”

“No luv, not in the least for Gunnilda let him lick the cream off – I did ask if I could have a go yet she said, ‘It’s not your fucking birthday Jonny but you’re welcome to any leftovers.’”

“Were there any leftovers Jonny?”

“Sadly not Beryl for my brother eats like a horse. Licked her bare so to speak! She didn’t seem to mind though – in fact she gave us a twirl before taking of her leave. Yup she’s a good’un is Gunnilda. Still can’t stand here chewing the fat all day. Must be away.”

“Thanks again Jonny you’re a living legend.” 






    1. The first time I heard that phrase was years ago when my dad – a proper old Londoner – was in the car with me when he spotted a rather large old bird and came out with the not wishing to feed her for a week line!

      1. Crikey I’m the consummate gentleman – honest ask the wife……well you can’t presently as she’s polishing my shoes and after that she still has to iron my socks then pour me a cold beer and make dinner……still after that she will confirm the truth of what I say.

      2. Ah – she’s lovely yet cannot cook and I can (rather well as it happens – and there’s not much I do ‘rather’ well). However she loves doing the man things like decorating etc. and I am useless at that. Net result? I buy her power tools at birthdays.

    1. Thank you – glad you found it as I’m re-inventing my blog content (a bit) and have not posted today – probably won’t post again until Monday or Tuesday so to get a message like this has heartened me somewhat!

    1. Cheers for that – the only two I have to method act when writing are Carruthers and Jonny (more so Jonny because he is based upon my ex-secretary’s husband who is quite the funniest plumber/sexist/instant wit/kind bloke I’ve ever met).

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