JONNY CATAPAULT – THE PLUMBER THE ARTISTS ALL TRUST & EUGENE DELACROIX’S FROZEN PIPES

french revolution

“If I’ve told you once Del I’ve told you a thousand times mate – to prevent pipes from freezing, don’t let temperatures drop under freezing in your home. Your pipes can freeze if the air around them falls below freezing. It takes time for the pipes to thaw out so you can’t have running water, worse still as was the case here the frozen pipes have cracked and water has pissed out everywhere. And what have you gone and done? Sweet Fanny Adams that’s what. What a fucking mess – never seen the like of it. Still all sorted now.”

“Sorry Jonny I should have listened to you after the last year’s debacle.”

“No worries Del – if you can’t help an old mucker out what’s the point of anything. Anyhow are you still knocking out those dark, raunchy paintings containing your trademark multiplicity of naked lovelies? ”

“As it happens Jonny I’ve changed tack on that front at the moment. Look here at this one I’ve christened ‘Liberty Leading the People’ has but the one bird bearing just the regular pair of bare breasts in it yet it is going down a bomb amongst the republicans what with it having the tricolour flag in it and all that.”

“Very profound may I say Del……looking at it closely the poor girl looks like she’s been dragged through a hedge backwards. And I spot she’s also carrying a shooter – my life a woman in charge of a gun. My you are setting something of a precedent there mate. Christ we’ll be giving them the car keys next.”

“The funny thing is Jonny that all the republicans reckon my pictorial manifestation of young Marianne as a figure of liberty and therefore a symbol of modern day France is rather special..…..you know since King Charles X met his sorry end – and was deliberate on my part. How fucking little they know!”

“Bugger me I think I read about that in Le Monde the other day whilst having an idle beer in that little café by the Seine what I favour so much lashed up with crumpet as it always is. Didn’t one of the critics praise it up saying you had depicted Liberty as both an allegorical goddess-figure and a robust woman of the people. The mound of corpses acts as a kind of pedestal from which Liberty strides, barefoot and bare-breasted, out of the canvas and into the space of the viewer. The Phrygian cap she wears had come to symbolize liberty during the Revolution, going on to say that the painting is seen as a marker to the end of the Age of Enlightenment, as many scholars see the end of the French Revolution as the start of the romantic era – or words to that effect.”

“You’ve got it in one Jonny yet in reality it’s all a load of bollocks for it’s just a painting I put together from memory depicting as it does a scene I recall ever so well when Pierre…..you might have met him for he is the tight fisted old bastard who never dips to buy a round…….pissed off with his chums out of Jacques bar in the Pigalle without paying.”

“What so you’re saying that in fit of rage and on behalf of Jacques being a bit past it on the legging after a miscreant front, Marianne the barmaid plus a few regulars gave chase and beat the living shit out of Pierre and his crew.”

“Bang on Jonny. It was in the chase that ensued the poor girls top got torn. Still me and the boys had a whip round and bought her a new dress for she’s as poor as a church mouse.”

“How very thoughtful Del. Nice touch.”

“Better still some posh twat reckons this is none other than the very first political work of modern painting because it allows the viewer to empathize with the people in their struggle against the throne. I didn’t like to tell him otherwise as I reckon this’ll be worth a good few francs thereby topping up the old family coffers no less.”

“Wise move on your part Del, so I’m guessing you won’t give a toss that my bill is a tad more than usual given the repair and the mess I had to clear up?”

“No mate charge what you like, you earned it and I can’t thank you enough.”

“Well better be off then……and I must say tell Marianne from me when you next see her that I said she’s got fabulous knockers.”

“Will do Jonny, you really are a living legend.”

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17 thoughts on “JONNY CATAPAULT – THE PLUMBER THE ARTISTS ALL TRUST & EUGENE DELACROIX’S FROZEN PIPES

  1. That Jonny truly is a legend, isn’t he? The thing is, he always fancies fixing the pipes of the painters of naked ladies. I want to know what would happen if he’s called in for a plumbing repair for François-Léon Benouville (Achills Zorn), Elmgreen & Dragset (Shepherd Boy), Bruce Nauman (Five Marching Men) or Michelangelo (David) & (Triumph or Eros)? I love Jonny, but I think it’s time you gave us ladies a little eye candy and show us what Johnny would do in those situations? 😉

    1. Jonny is based upon a plumber (married to George’s godmother) and I shall have to pass your idea by him. Should be interesting to get his take on a nude bloke. I’ll see what happens and if he makes me laugh I’ll write it up!

      1. LOL! That’s awesome! If you’ll look up those suggestions I gave, some of them are quite interesting (in a funny way).

        Speaking of George, how’s the music coming along?

        It’s funny you relate my “band days” to no longer seeing me as “pure as the driven show” when your own son is a musician. 🙂

      2. An insular musician to an extent – so heavily into electronic composition at the moment it is consuming him presently. He still cannot find a job while he sets up whatever business he is thinking about – it seems he’s ‘overqualified’ having got a 1st and that seems to put employers off! Still he has a meeting with some bloke today who might point him in the right direction.
        As to ‘pure as the driven snow’ I like to jest with you gals from a starting point of presumed innocence as it amuses me. A British thing! I do it to Shirl all the time.

      3. He – G that is – has been convinced to start networking rather than keep writing new material he is now building his own website. I’ve been telling him that all along but it takes someone outside the family to convince him! It’ll take a few weeks but he spent the weekend getting the skeleton together using his HTML5 skills which were going to waste. As to a job there are only teaching ones out there it seems so I think he will take any old thing now while he gets the website together. Hopefully along the way he will come out of his shell and speak with Jeremy who has clearly ‘been there; done it’ long since.
        Shirl wasn’t laughing that much when I was in character most of the weekend during and after writing Jonny Catapault’s new story. Tis rather rude but I enjoyed writing it!

      4. Ah, such is the life of a young man, isn’t it? Young women, too, really. Kids don’t ever listen to their parents. Once my daughter had to do a report on the history of rock n roll…. She used a friend’s mom’s Time Life book. I told her, “Hello! I’ve introduced you personally to how many rock stars that started when rock was young.” Her excuse… “But my friend said that…” UGH!

        Yeah, Jeremy would be glad to talk to him. He’s usually not home on weekends anymore, but he’s here Monday through Thursday nights. I think the website will definitely help! I’ll have Jeremy tell him how he got a singer Erika noticed and flown to Hollywood. He mixed her stuff and helped her on her way. In fact, he’s got another new studio flying him to Virginia next month to help them get set up.

        I would think Shirl would love you to write a Jonny Catapault story about a nude man! You must not have shown her the photos. 😉 I can’t wait to read it. 🙂

      5. It is certainly a ‘nude’ man story yet not what you might have expected! I’ll have another chat with George soon – don’t want to interrupt him as he’s on a roll presently.

      6. Oh, now I really can’t wait to read it! LOL!

        Yes, it’s not pleasant to interrupt the creative artist at work. I can’t wait to see his website when he’s done. 🙂 You must be a very proud papa!

  2. “the poor girl looks like she’s been dragged through a hedge backwards”…that sentence, as the paragraph I took it from, is hilarious! I love how a plumber has a go at famous art! This is my favorite Johnny the Plumber piece thus far!

    1. Actually I’ve got one for tomorrow that worries me as it is written at the special request of the lovely Rachel Carrera who thought it only right that I should write a post ‘for the ladies’ – it has ended up a tad on the ribald side!

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