LENNY NOGGINS ‘LUNATIC ILLEGAL IMMIGRANT’ & THE CHARITY HOP!

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“Lenny boy, good to see you again – just the man I wanted to speak to as it happens.”

“Really?”

“Yes really Lenny, although best I set you up with a pint of usual before I bend your shell-like.  There you go…….lovely head on that and as I’m in a good mood this ones on the house Len.”

“How very kind of you landlord.”

“Right then Lenny I’ve heard tell that you are a hopper extraordinaire?”

“Crikey didn’t think many knew about my exploits on the old hopping front yet I cannot tell a lie and as God is my witness I am that hopper extraordinaire. Indeed such was my prowess in that regard that when I was living illegally in the County of Essex I once managed to hop the 55 miles from Chadwell Heath all the way to Colchester without pausing even for a Jimmy Riddle. Moreover I still retain – as I won it three years on the trot so they let me keep it – the Inter-Continental Hopping Champions Cup. Why do you ask?”

“Well Lenny do you remember old Herbert Gnadger – you know the old boy with just the one leg following that freak accident with an angle grinder?”

“Certainly do landlord. Funnily enough I haven’t seen him about lately.”

“That’s because someone stole the poor sod’s prosthetic leg. It seems he was just popping off to the Spa shop for a packet of fags when he remembered he hadn’t strapped the old falsie on so he hops back indoors and lo and behold he finds that he’s been burgled leaving him legless as it were. And now he struggles to just to get by. Even here in the pub it’s problematic for him. A little while back after a couple of beers he thought it time to water the horse yet had a hellish time stood on the one leg at the urinal and took a nasty tumble. It’s knocked his confidence back and he hasn’t been in since.”

“Nasty business – the culprit deserves horse-whipping if you ask me. But what’s all this got to do with me?”

“Hopping Lenny. Given that Herbert has to hop around presently and that at his vast years that really isn’t ideal some of my regular punters and I thought we’d all get together and do a sponsored hop with a view to buying Herbie a new prosthetic leg – you know a state of the art one. That’s where you come in Lenny. With you prowess in the old hopping department we should raise ample funds.”

“Well I’m up for that landlord. Just name the date and venue and I’m your man.”

“Good on you Lenny – I just knew you’d take the gig. What we thought was we’d hop from Folkestone to Hastings. It’s only 37 miles.”

“37 miles – is that all? I could hop that before breakfast and still be up for a real proper hop after lunch……..but I’ve just had a thought.  If I am not mistaken Folkestone is in Kent and Hastings in East Sussex and that means I will have to hop across the county line…….and me, whilst a fully-fledged legal resident of this great county of Kent will be considered an illegal immigrant and no doubt deported upon entry to East Sussex.”

“True Lenny……..yes I’ll have to have a bit of a think. Tell you what say we disguise you as something else?”

“Who? I mean it better be a bloody good disguise as I’m a marked man.”

“Got it……we’ll dress you up in the much fabled earwig fancy dress costume I keep in the cellar for special occasions – rather clever I think because insects, even giant ones can cross county lines with consummate ease. I mean I’ve yet to hear of a law enforcement officer challenging an earwig!”

“Blinding idea landlord – game on I say.”

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12 thoughts on “LENNY NOGGINS ‘LUNATIC ILLEGAL IMMIGRANT’ & THE CHARITY HOP!

  1. All I want to know is did the hoppin’ begin? I mean he still out there wiggling? I mean a lunatic needs a little bit of worming food now and then… 🙂

    haha good story… as usual!

    1. I am pleased to say Lenny got carried away on the hop front ending up in Penzance where the Border Agency picked him up as earwigs are not tolerate in the company of Celts.

  2. I want to know more about the coveted earwig fancy dress costume! Inchcock found a prosthetic leg in the theatre once where he worked. It would have come in handy if he’d have known old Herbert Gnadger. Excellent skit! Bravo! 😀

    1. Cheers young Rachel – by the way I took heed of your words requesting Jonny Catapault partaking of a skit with the ladies in mind! A little ribald but hope you like it when it is posted during the week as I’ve credited you as its inspiration!

      1. I should really check out more on LOMM than I’ve done so far, especially now that Kimmy will be featuring more often. I do remember the occasional Lenny skit on LOMM, though, and not just because of the name;)

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