Ever since my childhood I’ve had this overwhelming desire to protect our dying planet. Mother Nature cries out in pain each and every place I look yet does anyone really care? Do they fuck. Except me that is – I know I’m just a weak and feeble woman yet as I see it without the likes of me we are all so very doomed. It is for that reason that I am an eco-warrior taking the fight to the enemy at each and every opportunity that presents itself. Who are the ‘enemy’ I hear you say?
Well I’ll tell you. If you are reading this it is likely you are a literate member of the human race and it is you lot that are fucking things up. You breed like rabbits which means you and yours demand more and more energy and it is the rape of the very planet we live on to feed your energy demands that is destroying everything. Put simply we have gone beyond the optimum point and there are simply too many of us. So I have come up with a radical plan I intend implement and I don’t care if I break any laws of any land in doing so.
My plan? Like all good plans I’ve kept mine simple. I have concluded that the male testicles that are the culprits – ‘BOLLOCKS OFF FOR MOTHER EARTH’ is my slogan – and that if I can castrate a sufficiency of adult males (obviously not those of my lovely gay friends) I can resolve all of our problems at a stroke……. or should I say a ‘slash’ as I shall undertake the task using the handy pen knife I purchased for a pound in Poundland……only kidding there when I said ‘slash’ it’s just my ‘sharp’ sense of humour coming to the fore again. Oh I can be so girlie at times can’t I!
Anyhow I shall commence my eco-warrior activities this very night. The first set of bollocks to go will be those of Tarquin my boyfriend. He has absolutely no idea he’s about to lose his set as he thinks he’s coming round to my eco-friendly recycled corrugated dwelling place in the woods for a lentil bake followed by a shag for afters – he’s even said he is bringing a bottle of organic and ethically produced pear cider with him as he knows when I get a little bit tiddly I can be rather raunchy on the copulation front…..there’s me giving my little secrets away naughty girl that I am.
Whatever Tarquin will be good practice for a first go at castration for I know for sure he has sired any number of bratlets at the commune where he lives – he even has the bloody nerve to call himself an eco-warrior yet those common weekend hippy tarts he impregnates are spitting out babies as if shelling peas. So basically he deserves it!
Obviously I’ll try not to kill him….I mean I’ll have a red hot poker handy to quarterize the wound and stem the flow of any blood….that should do the trick I think. And once Tarquin is a eunuch (I may keep him tethered as a house keeping sort of slave like Cleopatra would have done as the idea has such a wonderful girl power appeal to it and I don’t think he’ll be wanting to go out much what with him being a pair short of a full house) the world will be my oyster and there won’t be a set of gnadgers on the planet safe from my blade – what fun I shall have! Indeed the only thing I need to consider is whether to lop them off pre or post shag….decisions, decisions!
So it is with this latest eco-warrior project in mind I gift you the special poem I have written for the occasion;
The planet dies before our eyes
Yet no one really cares
At least not until I came along
For I’m a girl who dares
To sever bollocks far and wide
My project starts tonight
When Tarquin loses his set
It will give him such a fright
Yet after when I explain to him
To have no bollocks is a great thing
In terms of saving Mother Earth
Even if it means at a high pitch he’ll sing
When sat around the camp fire
Belting out protest songs of old
And should the flame die down a tad
He’ll have no balls that would otherwise get cold
Right must be about my business – got a lentil bake to make!
Footnote: Incredible as it may seem this skit is loosely based upon the ‘world view’ of a young lady I met many years ago (true)!