NAOMI WHOLEMEAL – USELESS RADICALIZED ECO WARRIOR & POET

eco warrior

Ever since my childhood I’ve had this overwhelming desire to protect our dying planet. Mother Nature cries out in pain each and every place I look yet does anyone really care? Do they fuck. Except me that is – I know I’m just a weak and feeble woman yet as I see it without the likes of me we are all so very doomed.  It is for that reason that I am an eco-warrior taking the fight to the enemy at each and every opportunity that presents itself. Who are the ‘enemy’ I hear you say?

Well I’ll tell you. If you are reading this it is likely you are a literate member of the human race and it is you lot that are fucking things up. You breed like rabbits which means you and yours demand more and more energy and it is the rape of the very planet we live on to feed your energy demands that is destroying everything. Put simply we have gone beyond the optimum point and there are simply too many of us. So I have come up with a radical plan I intend implement and I don’t care if I break any laws of any land in doing so.

My plan? Like all good plans I’ve kept mine simple. I have concluded that the male testicles that are the culprits – ‘BOLLOCKS OFF FOR MOTHER EARTH’ is my slogan – and that if I can castrate a sufficiency of adult males (obviously not those of my lovely gay friends) I can resolve all of our problems at a stroke……. or should I say a ‘slash’ as I shall undertake the task using the handy pen knife I purchased for a pound in Poundland……only kidding there when I said ‘slash’ it’s just my ‘sharp’ sense of humour coming to the fore again. Oh I can be so girlie at times can’t I!

Anyhow I shall commence my eco-warrior activities this very night. The first set of bollocks to go will be those of Tarquin my boyfriend. He has absolutely no idea he’s about to lose his set as he thinks he’s coming round to my eco-friendly recycled corrugated dwelling place in the woods for a lentil bake followed by a shag for afters – he’s even said he is bringing a bottle of organic and ethically produced pear cider with him as he knows when I get a little bit tiddly I can be rather raunchy on the copulation front…..there’s me giving my little secrets away naughty girl that I am.

Whatever Tarquin will be good practice for a first go at castration for I know for sure he has sired any number of bratlets at the commune where he lives – he even has the bloody nerve to call himself an eco-warrior yet those common weekend hippy tarts he impregnates are spitting out babies as if shelling peas. So basically he deserves it!

Obviously I’ll try not to kill him….I mean I’ll have a red hot poker handy to quarterize the wound and stem the flow of any blood….that should do the trick I think. And once Tarquin is a eunuch (I may keep him tethered as a house keeping sort of slave like Cleopatra would have done as the idea has such a wonderful girl power appeal to it and I don’t think he’ll be wanting to go out much what with him being a pair short of a full house) the world will be my oyster and there won’t be a set of gnadgers on the planet safe from my blade – what fun I shall have! Indeed the only thing I need to consider is whether to lop them off pre or post shag….decisions, decisions!

So it is with this latest eco-warrior project in mind I gift you the special poem I have written for the occasion;

TARQUIN’S BOLLOCKS

The planet dies before our eyes

Yet no one really cares

At least not until I came along

For I’m a girl who dares

 

To sever bollocks far and wide

My project starts tonight

When Tarquin loses his set

It will give him such a fright

 

Yet after when I explain to him

To have no bollocks is a great thing

In terms of saving Mother Earth

Even if it means at a high pitch he’ll sing

 

When sat around the camp fire

Belting out protest songs of old

And should the flame die down a tad

He’ll have no balls that would otherwise get cold

Right must be about my business – got a lentil bake to make!

Footnote: Incredible as it may seem this skit is loosely based upon the ‘world view’ of a young lady I met many years ago (true)!

 

 

 

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26 thoughts on “NAOMI WHOLEMEAL – USELESS RADICALIZED ECO WARRIOR & POET

    1. Cheers John – appreciated. By the way as an old English leftie it was rather pleasant to read the musings of an American liberal on the subject of toy guns! Nice one.

      1. Dear mikesteeden:

        English Leftie?

        Very appropriate since my ancestors came from Dover in the 1700s on the Good Ship, “Merchant News.”

        I am a virtual English Leftie too for all practical purposes so I am thrilled to hear about your political preferences.

        And before I seem too shortsighted or discourteous let me thank you profusely for your very kind words about the musings about toy guns.

    1. Ah Naomi – I recall replying to your comment a while back but can’t see it anywhere. The family have just turned my little study into a home gym so everything got moved around the place and here I sit two floors up ‘confused’ and I can’t moan at them because the gym was my idea. Regardless, the real Naomi this character is based on was a very big, very opinionated girl as it happens – you therefore, by describing her as having more ‘edge’ got it in one.

      1. I suppose that would be an astute observation on my part. By the way, when my grandfather was really going bonkers, he used to call me Naomi! do you think he knew Naomi Wholemeal and was actually making a Freudian slip? (Have to tell you Mike, I’m kidding here, as I know you take everything quite literally.

        Good luck with the gym!

      2. If your grandfather knew Naomi I suspect (what with your granddad being short of rather crucial parts) you wouldn’t have got born! As to the gym I’ve been doing 12k every day since the old king died – being diabetic it burns off the excess sugar – thus I don’t take any medication.

      3. True about Naomi although I believe the one he was referring to was some kind of distant 2nd cousin, which, of course does not rule anything out!

        Kudos on the gym. Sounds a lot better than the meds.

    1. Cheers for that – based on a true character I once knew. Bloody big old boot with opinions on everything (the cutting off of the bollocks was a quest she 100% agreed with by the way) including religion so I’ll bring her back soon with her take on a subject close to our respective hearts!

  1. Well, I’m relieved to hear gay men will be spared this woman’s fury. Still, if all heterosexual men have to have their testicles chopped off, who will make gay men for future generations?;)
    Very funny piece of writing. The fun thing is it’s difficult to spot hole’s in this woman’s logic, even though she’s quite clearly a mental case. Or is she?

      1. Just need to think of a good cause for her to ruin – did a regular Foreign Office Carruthers yesterday to post next week so I should be on a roll with the interview thing any time now.

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