“What on earth have you got there Dr Gloom?  Crikey you’re sweating like a pig mate……you’ll likely have a heart attack dragging that sack and what I estimate to be its uncommonly heavy load within around……what’s in it if I may so bold as to ask?”

“None of your fucking business Landlord………..Christ I’ve a thirst about me and I’m even willing to sink a pint of that caramelized tap water you jokingly refer to as beer.”

“That’ll be a pint of the usual then……..there you go Gloomo……enjoy.”

“Enjoy…..enjoy…..more chance of enjoying myself sitting on a fucking spike……I’m only here for a spot of rehydration if the truth be told.  What a terrible, terrible time I’ve had this morning…..truly terrible.”

“Sorry to hear that mate……for pity’s sake put us all out of our misery and say what you have in that sack.”

“You’ll never believe me if I do.”

“Try me.”

“Well if you must know I have about my person the very word of God in the form of the Ten Commandments carved on two tablets of stone in the Lord’s own hand and I can’t say I’m too pleased about it.”

“Now I’ve heard some tales from you Gloom but this one surely has to be one big fib.”

“Take a look then Doubting Thomas……go on, you’ll see I’m telling the truth.”

“Bugger me if it’s not true…….how on earth did you come by these?”

“Right then if you really want to know I got up today full of the joys of spring, thought ‘I know what’ I’ll take my new IPad out to the park and see how the camera on it works……you know take a couple of snaps of the ducks and such like as a prerequisite to visiting this hovel you call a pub for my lunchtime pint of dishwater.  Well there was me wondering around near the lake and I spots a marquee all set up which I presumed to be a place where I might get a cup of tea and a custard cream. Outside was a little Jewish bloke knocking out some lovely music on his fiddle and I thought to myself, ‘this’ll do nicely.’ As I got to the entrance the fiddler – still belting it out on the fiddle – says to me, ‘I wouldn’t go in there mate for once you enter you’ll find it is in point of fact a tear in the very fabric of time.’ Obviously I thought he was talking bollocks to keep the gentiles out so I went in anyway. That’s where it all went horribly wrong for there I was – me with the terrible vertigo I suffer from – at the fucking peak of Mount Sinai in whatever BC (basically yonks ago) face to face with some old geezer with a ridiculously long beard.”

“Crikey I’m guessing that must have been Moses himself.”

“How do you know that?  Anyway the old bloke says, ‘Who the bloody hell are you?’ So I says ‘Derek Gloom and if you don’t mind me asking where the fuck am I?’  So he goes on to explain that he is Moses – the Moses mind – of Old Testament fame and that he was well pissed off because God had commanded him up the mountain to collect a couple of tablets with words and stuff inscribed thereon. Moses had thought he was on to a bit of a winner.  He thought he’d be picking up not just any old Android tablets but – what with it being God – he ends up with a couple of IPads; you know one for him the other for the missus as she apparently is always on Facebook – yet lo and behold when he gets to the summit God gives him two massive great stone tablets with a list of things he mustn’t do written on them.  Moses was spitting feathers I can tell you.”

“I bet he was…….it’s all you need after ascending a mountain to be gifted two boulders, I’d be pissed at that myself…..carry on Gloomo.”

“Where was I…..oh yes……..Moses suddenly catches sight of my IPad adorned with the special authentic protective cover purchased at great cost from the Apple Store. Suddenly and quite out of the blue he says, ‘Well that’s a stroke of luck, I’ll have that tablet sunshine.’ With that he gives me a Glasgow kiss then kicks me in the bollocks nearly causing me to tumble down the mountainside and says, ‘You may as well have these – here’s a durable hessian sack to carry them in – now piss off before I change my mind and kill you.’ Not particularly fancying dying whilst lost in time I did what he said.”

“Amazing Gloom I always had Moses marked down as one of the good guys…..well you live and learn.”

“Three days it took me to get down that mountain. Three days of sweat, blood and tears. Anyway when I did get down I was chased across the desert for another couple of weeks by a pack of rabid jackals no less. In a state of some understandable distress I eventually collapsed in a heap and thought I’d let the jackals feast on me for I could take no more. Then bugger me the second I shut my eyes I was back outside the marquee still with this bloody sack of heavy weight stone tablets. The Jewish geezer was still knocking out a number on the fiddle and he said to me, ‘Told you you didn’t want to go in there….was I right or was I right?’ I had to admit he was right. So that’s when I decided to come here for a well-earned drink.”

“Stuff me Gloomo it always happens to you mate……I mean had good fortune smiled your tear in the fabric of time might have taken you to the Himalayas whereupon you could have returned with the original copy of the Karma Sutra having previously…..well while you were there that is……tested all the positions out with a beautiful Indian girl well versed in the ways of the carnal delights who was set on shagging you senseless……..and what do you bring back from your little excursion?  Two lumps of rock you may as well break up for hard core for they are no use to man or beast.  Bad luck again Dr Gloom.  By the way was your IPad insured against theft whilst travelling in time and/or space?”

“What do you think……no it wasn’t?”

“Yeah I forgot you’re as tight as a duck’s arse and squeak when you walk – what savagely bad luck old chap. That’ll be £4 for the beer by the way.”




  1. ‘Tight as a duck’s arse and squeak when you walk’ – new one on me, Mike, made me laugh out loud. Mind you, I enjoyed the whole Gloomy Old Testament!

    1. Crikey I would have thought you’d heard of that! Must be a London phrase although I cannot 100% remember where I heard it first. I know a lot of the phrases I throw in came from my dad but not this one – guaranteed insomnia tonight having got to remember now!

      1. True – I am addicted to a worrying extent although I have given up weekend posting. Luckily I have time on my hands having sold the business a few years back yet I agree with you.

    1. Crapples is such a great word yet notwithstanding a Google search I still don’t know what it means! You have to put me out of my misery at not knowing! I feel I need to use kit in a skit.

  2. BWAAAHAAHAAA!! This was SO funny! Of course I had to Google to find out what a Glasgow kiss was! LOL! This “tablet” confusion sounds more like something Carruthers would bumble. Bravo, my friend! 😀

      1. Gloom by name Gloom by nature – poor old chap! Today I am going to Dover to buy curry powder – how is that for excitement. Having said that I’m quite looking forward to getting served by the lovely Svetlana the Polish waitress. I shall drop off into a fantasy until Shirl hits me with a rolled up newspaper and brings me back to earth! Have a crackingly lovely day yourself.

  3. This is brilliant on so many levels: absurdity, biblical satire, a hilarious character to live through it all and not to mention a great play on the word ‘tablet’. I also love how Dr. Gloom broadcasts insult after insult, something that seems to be accepted by his peers, which makes his demeanor cute rather than offensive…I think most people know of a Dr. Gloom-type figure in their family;)

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