“Henners OM CH FBA RBS my friend I understand you’ve got a bit of a flood in your backyard?”

“Thank fuck you turned up sharpish Jonny I’ve been wading about in me wellies all morning and can’t for the life of me work out what’s causing it mate.”

“Best I take cop a gander then……you lead the way.”

“Right then Jonny………see what I mean the bloody yard is in half a foot of water and it hasn’t even been raining that much.”

“Henners, Henners, Henners you really should know better than to put a discarded lump of bronze out the back and right on top of your soakaway.  All we have to do is move this lump of junk – I could drop it off at the council rubbish tip if you want – and all will be sorted………the water will run away. Give us a hand lifting it and we can adjourn to the kitchen for a spot of tea and a Garibaldi biscuit or two.”

“That’s no lump of junk Jonny boy……that my friend is my latest creation on the old sculpturing front. I’ve named her ‘Reclining Nude: Elbow’ as it happens. Take a good look, I personally think it’s one of me best yet from me semi-abstract modernism range. You see her alluring, almost seductive pose, combined with the fully visible breasts and buttocks, smack of raw sexuality – one could almost imagine her lover being invited to her bed for a quickie from the pose what she has adopted.  Also, by using an ancient material like bronze, and provocative form, with those gorgeous bare breasts and wide hips, legs apart, the figure echoes of the fertility idols of early civilization. Fucking blinder once you get your head around the concept Jonny.”

“Well you know me Henners mate I always say each to their own but if the truth be told I am hard pressed to work out it’s a naked woman let alone one that might cause me to firm up a tad. She looks to be challenged on the looks front from where I’m standing. Christ mate she’s got a pin head and a prop forwards thighs…….risk a bit of muff diving there and she’d likely crush your skull without realizing she’s done it. I just hope to God you didn’t use a live model. If you did I pity the poor girl.”

“No Jonny I did it all from me imagination. That’s how I see my perfect woman in abstract as it happens.”

“What the fuck goes on in your head Henners……abstract or otherwise no woman in the raw looks like this…….thinking about it me mother-in-law makes a sperm whale look like a tic-tac……but she’s fucking hideous.”

“Well I respect your point of view Jonny what with you being something of an expert on the naked female form. Let’s go and have that cup of cha……and yes I got the Garibaldi’s in special for you.”

“Well now we’ve moved the fat bird with the pin head your backyard is draining away nicely and thanks for the tea……I’m parched.  Look Henners OM CH FBA RBS I’ve just had a thought. My next port of call is over at Goya’s gaff…….now that man can paint a nude and I do belief my ex Mandy is posing for him today – she’s a gobby sort but has everything in the right place and is proportioned lovely like. I think it’ll do you a power of good to come along with me and take a butchers at what a real woman looks like…….you know it’ll maybe get you on the right track…….I mean you have to admit this ‘Reclining Nude: Elbow’ is total shit.  The plus is old Goya is a good sort and I’m sure he’ll gladly give you a few pointers.”

“Thanks Jonny I think I’ll take you up on that offer. Yes, I’m beginning to see the error of me ways. You really are a living legend Jonny.”





  1. Absolutely side-splitting! By ‘Well you know me…pity the poor girl.’ I was guffawing out loud – and as for sperm whales and tic tacs: dear God, I thought I was going to extrude a rib laughing! Wonderful!

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