“Never in all my born days have I seen such a blockage as that in a shower cubicle…….what a fucking (excuse me French) mess!  What young Lisa have you been doing in there? If I didn’t know better I’d hazard a guess you’ve been having custard pie fights.”

“I did as it happens………have a custard pie fight that is…….with myself……just got carried away when I was cleaning myself up after I’d knocked out a swift painting in which I’d used a custard pie theme and had a load left over.”

“Stone the crows a lovely Lisa in the shower having a custard pie fight with herself – doesn’t get any better than that in my book I can tell you.”

“Yeah I was having a great time… know letting my hair down and having a laugh…..haven’t had so much fun for ages what with all that rubbing custard all over my body………found it rather cathartic if the truth be told. Just got a bit carried away I suppose.”

“Hold up Lisa, too much information luv……I’m coming over all excited just thinking about it……a kit less Lisa smothering custard about her bare parts……stroll on, it’ll affect me plumbing for the rest of the day if I’m not careful.”

“Thought you’d say that Jonny the old rascal that you are.  Anyhow thanks for getting round here and sorting the mess out……..don’t know what we artists would do without you.”

“Not a problem Lisa luv.  Inexcusable I know, yet I must admit I am not overly familiar with your work. What sort of stuff do you paint…….hope it’s not boring landscapes…….you clearly know already……I’m guessing here Tracey gave you the nod……that I’m a bit of a connoisseur of naked ladies when it comes to works of art.  It’s me passion as it happens.”

“Oh we all know about you and your ladies Jonny Catapault!  You’ll be pleased to learn I only paint the nude female form. Basically with all my new paintings I model on myself what with me being all voluptuous and curvy. I simply get into character…….it’s not always custard pies you see……and have a jolly good paint. Would you care to cop a gander at my latest picture – I’ve called it ‘Pie Face’ for obvious reasons.”

“Bloody right I would Lisa luv.”

“Here you go then Jonny what’s your take on this?”

“Gobsmacked I am girl……what a stunner you are……a veritable voyeur’s delight.  I’ve always gone for the well-proportioned big bird you know and you fit the bill spot on luv…..and so well stacked at that! I am bound to say I’m coming over all funny again…….it’s not good for me health you know, the quack tells me me blood pressure runs high at the best of times…..and I’m thinking here I better put the boxing gloves on when I take to my pit tonight… are lovely though.”

“Thanks for those kind words Jonny…… don’t think it’s a bit like soft porn though?”

“Of course it is Lisa luv……..that’s why I love it……..nothing wrong with a bit of healthy soft porn anyway.”

“It was the old man’s idea to do this sort of work. Previously I used to paint the female body in a more demure style.”

“Clever……and I’m bound to say a lucky – bastard is your husband. If you ever get the hump with him I’m your man Lisa luv.  Whatever, I regrettably must get along now as Picasso’s having a bit of trouble below stairs………his paintings are shit Lisa by the way……not a patch on yours and to think I’m talking to you with your togs on and gawping at your pics without them. Can’t cope……catch you later (so to speak).”

“Thanks again Jonny, you really are a living legend.”



    1. I did research this one – she is, so it seems a top notch New York artist – reading about her she does seem rather lovely and 100% more talented than Tracey Emin – yet then again am I when pissing in snow!

    1. She is a real living artist painting in oils – I rather like her work which all seems to be self portrait stuff aimed at the male voyeur she see’s in her imagination! Hope she never reads this post for she’ll probably have Jonny’s guts for garters!

      1. There was a thing in yesterdays newspaper about famous people and their ‘lists’ – I got to wondering what Jonny’s bucket list might include……..!

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