LENNY NOGGINS ‘LUNATIC ILLEGAL IMMIGRANT’ & THE HOLIDAY OF A LIFETIME

lenny

“Pint of the usual Lenny?”

“Spot on landlord……….no thinking about it maybe an ice cold lager. Been sweating me bollocks off.”

“That’s a change for you Lenny…….always had you down as a real ale man.”

“No hang on landlord………..perhaps I will partake of the usual…………then again the lager still has appeal……….no the usual…..yes…….definitely.”

“For heaven’s sake Lenny I’m up and down this bar like the proverbial whores drawers here mate…..usual it is……..enjoy my friend.”

“Certainly will…….I don’t think this one will touch the sides such is the thirst about me.”

“What have you been doing to get such a thirst then Lenny?”

“Digging a hole in the backyard as it happens……..bloody hard work as I’ve only got a manky old shovel……….I started it at the weekend and it’s about 100 metres deep now.  Still got a long way to go mind.”

“Why on earth are you digging such a deep hole in your garden then?”

“If the truth be told it’s for a holiday I’m planning……..the holiday of a fucking lifetime in point of fact.”

“I’ve heard it all now Lenny.  I mean what has a ginormous hole got to do with the holiday of a lifetime as you so eloquently put it?”

“Australia’s Great Barrier Reef in the Coral Sea what runs along the coast of Queensland that’s what. You see as an illegal immigrant of international renown I wouldn’t have a hope of entering Australia through the usual channels……….I mean it’s a well-known fact that the Aussies themselves don’t take kindly to unlawful non-citizens……..you’ve only got to consider the refugees who try to gain entry by hurriedly constructed inadequate vessels to realise that they’re red hot on not letting people in……..so it is thus that I plan to dig a hole through the centre of the earth and come out the other side on Airlie Beach aside the reef itself ( it’s rather posh there so I’ve heard tell) thereby thwarting their immigration officials.”

“Tell me Lenny, and putting aside that fact that it is supposedly fucking hot at the centre of this planet of ours, how on earth do you know you’ll come out at the exact spot you aim for?”

“Done me sums landlord…..bit of a doddle really for I’ve always been good at sums. I could recite my times tables by the age of 23 I’ll have you know.  Even so it’s really hard work all this digging with me only in possession of a garden spade.  Then of course there’s all the waste earth to get rid of.  Presently I’m chucking it over my next door neighbour’s fence.  He, Harold that is, is a miserable bastard at the best of times and I think he’s getting a bit suspicious already. The pile of soil what I have chucked his way now covers his entire garden to a depth I estimate to be close to ten metres. Only yesterday I heard him bellow to his wife, “Where’s my fucking tomato plants gone luv, I’d swear I planted them this year,” and a little later I picked up on a chat he was having with his missus, “I’m just popping out to the DIY shop to buy a ladder luv as the garden seems to be growing upwards and I can’t get to me brassicas without a bit of a climb now…..fucked if I know what’s going on……..must be climate change I suppose.”    I’m guessing soon he will realize that my endeavours on the holiday of a lifetime front is the very nub of his problematic back yard.”

“The thing is Lenny to tunnel all the way to Australia you are going to end up with shedloads more soil to dispense with.  I mean what will you do with it all?”

“Oh I’ll just chuck a bit here, chuck a bit there……you know how it is.  Personally I’m more concerned about getting a climbing rope 12,742 kilometres long…….which I must point out is the distance twixt here and Queensland travelling via the centre of the earth…….thus enabling me to climb back out of the hole in order to have me tea of an evening, plus of course keeping up with my regular visits to your hostelry for a pint or two. Any ideas on the rope front landlord?”

“Not really Len…..no thinking about it I can’t help you there.   Any way haven’t you got a passport?”

“I do indeed have a passport landlord…….what of it?”

“Well armed with a passport why don’t you just pop into the travel agent and book a holiday to The Great Barrier Reef……they’ve got loads of offers on Australian holidays on at the moment. It would certainly save you a lot of hassle mate.”

“Oh I never thought of that……cheers landlord……best I have another pint squire.”

 

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11 thoughts on “LENNY NOGGINS ‘LUNATIC ILLEGAL IMMIGRANT’ & THE HOLIDAY OF A LIFETIME

  1. There you go. Just shows how planning can get in the way of clear strategic planning. I’m a ‘real ale’ man myself, and I like to save my strength for raising the necessary glass, rather than all that shovelling drama. I could almost imagine the poor landlord who, as we know, have to pretend to like a whole range of nutters !

    1. Very true – got my handle ‘Dr Gloom’ back in the day at a pub I frequented on the way home from hours sat in the parking lot that is the M25. Pity the poor landlord – at least pubs were pubs back then.

  2. Now this seems like a good idea in theory. But actually, if you think about it, it’s likely that the hole would fill with water, either from the South Pacific Ocean or the Coral Sea, thus creating a vacuum and Lenny would never be able to go through. LOL! Of course, I’m kidding! He’s probably aiming more inland than that. Excellent story! I’m off for a pint meself. 😉

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