satan bike

Hell; Post the Beginning of Time: A most disgruntled Satan is rummaging about Hell looking for his bicycle clips. Ever since the idea struck him last evening he’d been looking forward to going ‘off road’ on his new mountain bike, a present from Enepsigos (the fallen angel who appears in the shape of woman). Satan being a tad on the bisexual side has always had a soft spot for Enepsigos – needs must when the devil drives and all that!  Anyway, what happened was that Satan had, upon positively tearing off the Halford’s wrappings that had encased his new pushbike duly assigned the task of purchasing the bicycle clips to Purah (the fallen angel of forgetfulness). In short Purah, whilst pretty sure he purchased said ‘clips’ cannot for the hell of him remember where he put the bloody things!

Satan: “Well this is brilliant. All I ask you to do Purah is pop down to Sports Direct; pick me up my bicycle clips and make it back home in one piece.  It’s not bloody rocket science is it? You know me, always safety first and I have no intention of catching my trousers on the chain and taking a tumble I can tell you.  For that matter where’s my change? I gave you a tenner and they couldn’t have cost more than 4 or 5 quid.”

Purah: “Sorry Satan I can’t remember anything.  It’s all a bit of a blur really.”

Satan: “What’s a blur – the bicycle clips, my change or both?”

Purah: “The whole thing really I don’t think I can cope anymore.”

Satan: “You can’t cope? How the hell do you think I feel? I’ve got this beautiful piece of engineering and what can I do with it – bloody nothing that’s what. You’re as about as much use as Obyzouth (fallen angel female who kills new-borns and cause still-births) in a maternity ward.   Call yourself a fallen angel, twat.”

Exit a bewildered Purah mumbling something about not being sure if he’s meant to be doing something ‘good’ or ‘bad’ today and enter Gusion (fallen angel who can discern the past, present or future) clutching in his grasp yet another winning Lotto scratch card.

Gusion: “We’ll be on the razzle tonight Satan me old mucker – that’s another £50k in the old ‘sky rocket.’ How are you Satan, you’re looking a bit peeved if you don’t mind me saying so?”

Satan: “You could say that. That bloody idiot Purah’s forgotten where he put my bicycle clips. You’re a clever bloke Gusion – got any bright ideas?”

Gusion: “Well one thing’s for sure there not in Hell – beyond that I haven’t got a blind clue.”

Satan: “Bollocks. I really wanted to go out and about; you know I’ve got the devil’s work to do.”

Gusion: “Tell you what why don’t I text Naamah (fallen angel of prostitution). I can send out for a few bevvies and we could have a right fun time with her – she’s always up for it, if you get my drift!”

Satan: “Maybe after me bike ride yes that sounds a plan to me. Cor do you remember last time she stopped by with that…what’s her name…oh yes, Onoskelis (female fallen angel who lives in caves and perverts men). That was a night to remember – it was worth having to take penicillin for the next three months I can tell you.”

Gusion: “Well I’ll be off now. Think I’ll stop by the newsagents and pick up another Lotto scratch card, me lucks in today.  Then again it always is!”

Gusion takes of his leave. Enter Amduscias (name of the fallen angel who appears as a unicorn).

Satan: “What the hell are you doing here? Took a bloody whole day to clear up the dung after your last visitation. Hope your bowel’s are in better nick (so to speak) this time.”

Amduscias: “Sorry about that – too much meadow grass that was, it always gives me bad guts. Anyway rumour has it you’ve lost your bicycle clips. I just thought you might want to saddle me up and we can pop off for a bit of a ride. You know it’ll be the same as ‘off road’ without you having to over exercise peddling and all that. How about it?”

Satan: “No way mate, me minds made up it’s the mountain bike or nothing. I’ve come over all OCD about it now. On yer bike now I’m not taking any chances of you having one of your little accidents.”

Exit Amduscias; enter Focalor (fallen angel who appears as a man with griffin wings).

Focalur: “I’ve heard about the crisis. Any luck with the clips yet?”

Satan: “Not a whisper mate – and don’t keep flapping those bloody wings you’ll further inflame the fires of Hell if you keep carrying on like that. It’s just the right temperature in here at the moment and I don’t want to boil alive.”

Focular: “Well I was just thinking if you didn’t wear your trousers it would be perfectly safe for you to go out and about on your bike?”

Satan: “It might be safe but I’d look a twat. I’ve got an image to keep up don’t you know!  Besides all me underpants are in the wash.”

Focular: “What, you’ve gone commando today then?”

Satan: “Too true mate.  Thinking about it though maybe that’s not such a bad idea, I could wear shorts I suppose. Bollocks they’re in the wash as well – I was playing tennis with Botis (fallen angel who appears as a viper) and got a bit sweaty in them. Mind you the game was a waste of time what with him not being able to hold a racket!”

Focular: “Who does your washing then?”

Satan: “Purah does. Give him a shout will you.”

After an extended wait Purah, still in a confused state enters.

Purah: “You called?”

Satan: “Need me underpants and me shorts. I trust you know where you put them after the wash cycle had finished?”

Purah: “Sorry Satan, it might come to me in a minute yet…oh….maybe…no, it’s gone. Sorry I just don’t know, sorry again.”

Satan: “Bollocks. Right someone get me Ornias (fallen angel who can shape-shift).”

Ornias arrives.

Satan: “Can you shape shift into a pair of bicycles clips?”

Ornias: “No problems mate.”

Satan: “Sorted!”



      1. Now this is the point where American English and English all gets a bit surreal! A ‘dickie’ means something entirely different here! Unless, of course you knew that!

      2. Well, if it’s called THAT, then that would be a “cute” name, like what you’d name something very small. I don’t think that’s what you have in mind. LOL! I’m thinking of that funny piece of clothing that’s just a buttoned collar with no sleeves or torso and is worn under another shirt or jacket to make people think there’s a shirt under there. It looks like a shirt bib. It’s a funny name and it’s a funny piece of clothing.

      3. Ah I just asked Shirley and she thought you may be talking about a bow tie! I shall have to correct her and furthermore tell her to cut out the ‘cute’ remarks about me for the future – the cheek of the woman!

      4. Get it now! I asked her if she’d give me an honest answer as to whether I could get a job in the Amsterdam porn industry – I still await her formal reply!

      5. LOL! Well, perhaps if you were naked, except for a dickie and a bow tie, when you asked her, she might be quicker to reply. Or she might just laugh. Let me know when we should start calling you “Red Light Mike”.

      6. See just caught me with nought on on the treadmill and laughed! Me track suit bottoms were in the wash you see! Plus I had nothing to attach the safety cord onto although she did come up with a ridiculous idea!

      7. Ah, but perhaps she has a motion activated nanny-cam set up in the exercise room just waiting for such an occasion. After all, she was a private eye, too and knows all the tricks! I’ll keep checking YouTube to see what she does with the video.

      8. I tend to think YouTube would reject it – he says in hope! Oddly it was to an extent her idea to shed t-shirts when exercising a while back as she claims sweat discolours them – guess I simply went the whole hog when I couldn’t be bothered to go upstairs for the spare tracksuit. This is an odd conversation – could make a skit out of it!

      9. LOL! Well, perhaps she didn’t really say to shed the shirt because of sweat, but she started then filming you with her nanny cam! And she put your track pants in the wash knowing full well you’d be using your machine as you do every morning, so she could move her plan up to Phase II. She’s a highly intelligent woman; she knows what she’s doing! There’s probably some still shots ion Instagram and she sent some others out to make T-shirts to sell to local schoolgirls.

      10. Young Rachel I am about to take my mornings 12k on the treadmill and you’ve got me worried now…I mean the IPod is set on Leonard Cohen and I’m ready for the off…best check what she’s done with my kit! I’ll have to get back to you on this.

      11. Yes, you’d better check. Look all around the room. A bit of research for a recent story indicates that they now make motion-activated cameras that look like digital clocks. She’s probably watching you right now. Or broadcasting you on live network TV for a handsome price.

      12. Caught her on the treadmill – in the same condition as me – she truly believes this is preserving our clothing and saving her washing! Seems I’m onto a winner!

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