“How many kids did you say you’ve got Gustavio my friend?”

“14 at last count Jonny…no maybe its 15 now…um…not sure if the truth be told.”

“Well from the state of your blocked lavatory pan here I’d say they must have all shat at the same time.  In God’s truth I’ve never come across a kharzi like it mate.  Still all unblocked now…best you don’t flush those disposable nappies down the bog though…you know, not good for the environment and all that.”

“Bit of a problem there Jonny…I only have the kids weekends when all the various mothers drop them off – it’s like the M25 on a Monday morning outside my gaff and the neighbours keep banging on about not being able to park up…so with me and a rugby team of nippers in the house it all gets a bit frantic and the mothers don’t give me a clue what each kid does what; what kid likes what; don’t even know the names of most of them even….having said that I’m not even sure who is mum to each baby thinking about it….still I try me best.  Whatever thanks very much for popping over so sharpish and sorting the mess out.  Fancy a cuppa?”

“Certainly do…don’t suppose you’ve got any Garibaldi biscuits to hand to accompany what is my beverage of choice.”

“Course I have Jonny….wouldn’t be without them.  Here you go…enjoy.”

“How’s it going on the old painting front Gustavia…still feeding your insatiable sexual appetite shagging the models who pose for you?”

“Sadly yes the curse of constant desire still haunts me…just can’t control myself really…still the girls are always up for it…I mean I’m not one of the blokes who would take advantage or anything like that.”

“I know that mate…..if you were rest assured you could have stuffed your blocked toilet up your arse because as much as I also love the ladies I don’t stand for out of order shenanigans…done any new stuff since I was last round here?”

“Certainly have Jonny.  I am somewhat besotted with that lovely red head Eva presently……you probably know her…she works on the till down the Spar Shop most weekdays. I did a belter of a painting of her just yesterday as it happens.”

“Oh I know Eva alright, lovely girl with a heart of gold although being ginger wrong ‘un she doesn’t half have a temper on her I’ve heard tell…you don’t mind if I cop a gander at it?”

“Be my guest Jonny…here, what do you make of this?”

“Crikey she is gorgeous mate all fast asleep in the naughty naked nud on that old chair of yours.  I’m guessing here that you still paint only wearing your sandals and that old bath robe you dirty old bugger you…you haven’t have you?”

“Not yet Jonny but I’m working on it mate…you know once a womanizer always a womanizer. I’ve done loads of Eva recently…I calls her my little goldfish…best muse to date in my book.”

“Done give me that old flannel Gustavio you’ve been saying that about every new model you had ever since I’ve known you.”

“If you want to hang on for a while Eva will be round to sit for another painting a bit later when she finishes her shift at the Spar Shop. I’m sure she won’t mind you being here…it’s not as if I have any plans to chat her up today – mainly because I’m seeing that Adele Bloch-Bauer later on – so you won’t be in the way or anything and she’s just as relaxed with her kit on as off.”

“Adele Bloch-Bauer?  She’s that posh bird you painted starkers a while back if I’m not mistaken……her old man Fritz is a bit of a big wig in the art collecting game I hear.”

“Certainly is…it was him what commissioned me to paint her…that’s when it all started if you must know…the shagging each other that is…Fritz is nearly twenty years older than her and has trouble getting it up…enter yours truly so to speak!  I’m a bit worried Fritz will get wind of me and Adele though so I’m thinking of knocking our little affair on the head soon…better safe than sorry.”

“There’s no holding you back is there mate. Anyhow back to the main issue…I’m thinking here that if I pop over to Gainsborough – his stop cock’s playing up and by Christ he’s a fucking bore – I can be back here in a jiffy and cop a look at young Eva in the raw.  This day keeps getting better and better…see you a bit later mate.”

“See you then Jonny…you’re a living legend.”

Believe it or not I did a bit of research for this one and was taken aback at Gustav Klimt’s sexual appetite that seems to have known no bounds!



  1. Fucking hilarious, Mike (all puns fully intended!); I nearly unblocked my own metaphorical u-bend laughing! Ye gods, the bugger’s name alone – Gustav Klimt, I mean, though dear old Jonny himself is a walking double entendre! – sounds like Page 65 of the Kama Sutra. Splendid!

      1. Damned refreshing, Mike; I think I tend to do the same for womankind, particularly where the ol’ horizontal pleasures are concerned!

    1. Can you believe that such a famous artist was so that way inclined – reading up on him before I wrote this made the skit so east to write. Oh, nearly forgot again – must be an age thing – do watch out for Jonny to appear with one of my lost characters later this week. Had it not been for you this mixing and matching of characters wouldn’t be going on!

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