The Hall of Great Depravity, Hell; Christmas: As is his want Satan is hosting this year’s party per usual. The invites were sent out long ago and read, ‘A Christmas Night of Lust’ and tagged, ‘We don’t just snog under the mistletoe in Hell….RSVP.’ The place is positively throbbing with dubious guests letting off a bit of festive steam. Always the great delegator Satan has had his old mate Caligula organise the event. Inevitably this has meant a Roman theme. On stage the Vestal Virgins perform a unique erotic take on ‘Strictly Come Dancing.’ In a dingy, cigarette smoke laden corner of the Great Hall we find both Satan and Caligula propping up the bar and having an idle chat over a couple of pints of lager.

Satan: “Nice one Cal. You’ve really pulled all the stops out this year my son.”

Cal: “Cheers mate. One question though. How come you celebrate Christmas what with you being the ultimate fallen angel and all that I thought you’d avoid it like an epiphany?”

Satan: “No way my son. Look we’re lashed up with Christians down here; you know the ones that didn’t make the grade and, personally I feel that after a year stoking the fires of Hell 24/7 a little thank you party was called for.”

Cal: “This lager’s going down a treat I can tell you. I was sweating me cods off just now trying to usher out that bloody Casanova. He’s been lingering with wicked intent over the Vestal’s all night. I kept saying, ‘Cas can’t you just wait till the shows over.’ Would he see reason; would he hell (so to speak). Truth is I lamped the twat and caged him up with that Kim Jong-il bloke. That’ll teach him a thing or two. That Kim could bore for heaven.”

Satan: “His son’s a tosser as well. Calls himself a despot! Look at the bloody mess he’s making of North Korea. I mean if you’re going to do evil then at least do it properly. What’s your take on it Cal?”

Cal: “My pet subject mate. Now you have to admit when I was in charge of Rome I always lived by the mantra, ‘You’re only as good as your last despotic act.’ And that’s what I did. The fat boy, Kim Jong-un, well he just murders his ex-bird and uncle in a particularly hackneyed manner – a gun, what’s the boy on? – keeps the proletariat starving rotten hungry and in fear of the secret police and he thinks to himself, ‘What a clever fat boy am I.’ It’ll end in tears I can tell you.”

Satan: “I remember well the panache you brought to the Senate old chap. You certainly had a style of your own. I mean when you found out half your government were fiddling their expenses you didn’t just kill them straight off did you?  Oh no, first you invite them round with their wives for a bit of nosh; then you auction off those spouses to which of sexual deviants in attendance bid the most; then a smattering of vile torture before you topped them good and proper in a variety of sick and vile ways. Class mate that’s what you had in shedloads.”

Cal: “Cheers Satan I appreciate that. But I mean when he had his old woman shot for having a propensity for getting her kit off every now and then and watching a bit of porn on the TV what was all that about! I’d have gifted her me horse Incitatus for that not topped her, poor girl. Bit of a looker as well. Never mind. I’ve heard there was a place for her in heaven.”

Satan: “Look mate while fat boy would probably refuse to play strip Gemblo the likes of you and me would have the birds starker’s before the first tile was drawn. That’s the difference between us and the likes of him.”

Cal: “Changing the subject, do you know what? I’m of the considered opinion you should think about a bit of pestilence on Earth. I mean there’s no what I would call ‘swagger’ in the evil going on there these days. ‘Bland,’ that’s the word I’m looking for.”

Satan: “I’ve been thinking about that meself you know. I mean I’m clearly in the ascendancy when it comes to Him upstairs but it’s not going to plan how I’d like it. I need more of your kind Cal that’s for sure. Need a few characters if you like.”

Cal: “Tell you what though there is one on the horizon who might give us something to have a laugh about if he ever gets to the top of the pile.”

Satan: “Who’s that then me old mucker? Oh, quick interjection, having another beer?”

Cal: “Too true I am, cheers. Anyway down in the shires of England is a bloke called Nigel – think his surnames Farage or something like that. Anyway this twat, thick as two short planks mind; this twat is a racist, homophobic, sexist isolationist. In point of fact he has all the right ingredients to be one of your own apart from a functional brain. Still we could work on that bit?”

Satan: “Thanks for that – I shall have to keep an eye on this Nigel methinks.”

Cal: “Here Satan buddy, Salome’s just about to do the Dance of the One Veil. Shall we take a peek?”

Satan: “Too right we will.”

This is the last of the old Satan & Chums series revisited. I’m sure anyone getting this far will be a tad pleased about that!



    1. Good old Satan has a functional brain – maybe affording ill conceived thoughts. As to Farage I do believe that such a luxury is beyond him now and forever. Cheers Sue.

      1. As for the inspiration, if I can conjure up a poem, there is no question I would credit you. As for the invitation…well, I should say I’m a bit insulted!

      2. Insulted! It is every Englishman’s duty to protect the pure and innocent gals from houses of ill repute! I plainly had no choice but to refuse you an invite!

  1. Good evening. I have awarded you my certificate for Great achievements in writing 2014. It is only a gesture certificate,nothing official. I just want to show my apreciation for all you do. Kindest Regards, Dionysus.

    Here is the link to the certificate:

    1. Thanks – I have always very politely refused awards for the simple reason I don’t want to be taken seriously. However, as yours is not an official award I will for the very first time accept with gratitude…not that you can see from where you are yet I have just performed a regal bow your way. Best of luck and have a great weekend, Mike

      1. Thank-You Mike, that means a lot to me. I Just love reading your poems and feel you deserve some appreciation.

        You too,have a fab week-end. 🙂

    1. Nigel Farage heads up the UKIP party. They are sexist; racist; homophobic; right wing; anti-immigration (if they ever gain/or get a share of power they will go for forced repatriation) bigots – also they want us out of the EU. A very dangerous political movement who just won a by-election a week or so ago and look like winning another one this Thursday coming thus giving them another seat at Westminster. There is a right way backlash going on here and across parts of Europe not unlike the years prior to WW2. Worrying times for a old socialist like me – I believe in the lessons of history!

  2. Very smart posting. You are very efficient in your word choices when developing the picture for the reader. This is what I aspire to be one day. I really enjoy your writing.

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