poca 2

London 1616: Not a lot of people know this but Pocahontas had at least 100 siblings all sired by her dad, a bloke by the name of Powhatan – all the gals just called him ‘Pow’ for obvious reasons – Chief of the Algonquian Indians of Virginia. Anyway that is largely irrelevant for this is the tale of young Pocahontas when for a galaxy of reasons she had married a tobacco developer called John Rolfe and had moved to London, England, for this very evening Pocahontas and John are off to meet the King James and his missus Queen Anne. Clearly she wants to wear her best togs for such an auspicious occasion.

“Oi John where the fuck did I put me ‘Vintage’ Dr Martens and for that matter me ‘Hot Pink’ ones as well? I’ve looked everywhere not a fucking sign of them.” 

“Poker my luv how many times do I have to tell you to put things away? Christ if it’s not enough that you leave your knickers and tights where you stepped out of them most nights, now you’ve gone and lost your Doc’s – they cost me a pretty penny they did.  You really must learn to look after things better and what’s more the bloody state you leave that bathroom in…bloody disgrace in my book…God only knows what the servants must think…I mean I’ve got my reputation as an entrepreneur held in high esteem by the toffs to think of here girl.” 

“Well Johnny boy this is all new to me…consider this for just a couple of months ago I was shitting in the forest and washing in the river so how was I to know that that flush lavvy thing was to answer the call of nature?” 

“I suppose next you’ll tell me that you put me Budweiser’s in the bog to chill them a little as a prerequisite to me having a bit of a quaff.” 

“Well yes it was as it happens…how was I to know otherwise twat…thought it was a blinding idea.” 

“Well at least we got that fiasco with the coy carp in the bath sorted…and never, never ever go fishing in the lake in Hyde Park ever again…you effectively nicked half the fucking fish stock only to come home and chuck the bastards in our bath.” 

“I thought that was what the tub was for…you know keeping the fish fresh until we fancied a bit of nosh and that.” 

“I really will have to remember to slip the park keeper a few spondoolies so as to keep his gob shut about the missing fish – you could be done by the Old Bill for that you know.” 

“Oh I shouldn’t worry too much about the park keeper.” 

“Why’s that luv?” 

“I’ve scalped him…wanna see it? Got it in me handbag somewhere I think.” 

“No I fucking don’t…I mean you just can’t go around London scalping people as the fancy takes you…whatever next!  Anyway you best find those boots because the chauffeur will be bringing the motor round the front shortly to take us off to the palace.  I want you looking your best Poker my luv.” 

“Still haven’t a clue where I put them…oh, thinking about it I left the ‘Hot Pink’ ones in Starbucks…bollocks.” 

“What you do that for?” 

“Well I’m not used to these shoe things am I. After traipsing bloody Oxford Street for hours trying to buy a dress for the party at the palace I got blisters on me feet so I took ‘em off for a bit of a scratch and forgot about them.” 

“God give me strength woman…what a waste of the best part of a ton that was. So then it’ll have to be the ‘Vintage’ pair for the blow out with the Royals then…best you have another think where you put them luv.” 

“Um…um…its coming back…yes…got it now…I left them out the back because they were chucking up a bit what with me prone to sweaty feet. I even put me tomahawk and spare arrows in them what with them being quite a high boot…I’ll go and get them now…see nothing to over worry about.” 


“How do I look Johnny boy?” 

“Fucking gorgeous luv…and do keep a watchful eye on the King, the dirty old bastard has roving hands…and as to scalping him don’t even go there.” 

“Pointless trying he wears a massive great wig anyway.” 

“How do you know that?” 




  1. Great line about the carp and not too far off the truth of it. The East Side of Saint Paul where I used to work is home to some 30,000 Hmong refugees from Laos. At home, they lived a life-style not that much different from Pocahontas. It was not unusual to be called upon to inform a Hmong fisherman about such things as licenses, seasons and limits.

    1. Hope they didn’t shit on the highway! I remember when I was a kid there was a Lithuanian bloke living next door who fought for the Germans in the war. He told me how when the Russians took Germany at the end most of them had never seen a flush toilet and instinctively stored their bottles of vodka in them to keep them chilled! Funny old world.

      1. I wouldn’t put it past them. They’re an American Indian family and the girls are kind of alternative. The dad is a nice guy but I once had a dream he was some sort of pimp. I told my husband about it and now we call him Chief Running Whores.

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