SHAKESPEARE TO ‘GHOST WRITE’ SATAN’S MEMOIRS!

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Executive Suite, Hell; somewhere in time post April 23 1616:  Satan has had a bit of a result.  You see, being virtually illiterate he has for an age now been looking for a ghost writer to pen his memoirs. Good fortune has smiled; a stroke of luck no less as news reached him that William Shakespeare has been sent from Heaven to Hell.   The official reason for the Bard’s demise is that God believes that his play, ‘A Midsummer Night’s Dream’ is too much on the ‘gay’ side – and that that simply will not do as it sends out all the wrong signals to Heaven’s other punters. In truth it is rumoured that He simply couldn’t face another day of Shakespeare wandering about Heaven speaking mainly in quotations from his plays.  Regardless, in the light his arrival in Hell William Shakespeare has been invited over to dine with the Devil in order to discuss the project at hand. We join the pair just prior to the meal being served.

Satan: “Stroll on, that was a bit of bad luck you had there with God and all that. I always had you marked down as one of the good guys mate.  Still His loss is my gain what with you being a proper writer and all that.  So, as to me memoir Bill you’re up for the gig then?” 

Bill: “What’s past is prologue. What’s done cannot be undone. The devil can cite Scripture for his purpose.”   

Satan: “That’s settled then, you’ll have a life of luxury here mate; no stoking the fires of Hell for you Billy boy. Good on you son, nice one. I think a little celebration is in order then. Oy, serving wench time for a bottle of bubbly.  Bring it on girl.” 

ENTER THE WENCH WHO SERVES UP SAID ‘BUBBLY’

Bill: “Forsooth, doth mine eyes serve to deceive. The wench resembles Lucrezia Borgia methinks.” 

Satan: “Good spot, right on the money. There’s certainly no flies on you Bill, it is indeed Lucrezia herself. She got here a while back and I thought to meself that she was too lovely looking to be put to the torture of the damned in the Chasms of Hell. How wrong I bloody was though.” 

Bill: “How so?”

Satan: “I’ll tell you ‘how so’ alright. Well I knew she had a penchant for a bit of poisoning yet when I appointed her to head up the kitchens – my God (so to speak) her pie and mash is to die for – I had no idea she’d gone a bit OCD on that front. I mean you can’t actually kill anyone here yet a drop of arsenic can give one a staggeringly awful guts ache. She adulterated the whelk soup and had me stokers coiled up in tortuous pain for days.  Hell nearly powered down – even I felt a bit chilly.” 

Bill: “Though she be but little, she is fierce?”

Lucy: “Hang on a mo. Satan that’s a bit out of order. I told you I couldn’t help myself and you promised me that I could have a bit of incest if I cut out the poisoning. I’m gagging I can tell you.” 

Satan: “Look luv I’ve got nothing against incest – in fact I positively advocate it – but I’ve got to feel comfortable you’re not going on another poisonous rampage before I unshackle that brother of yours Cesare. Stay pure for another eon and he’s all yours. By the way you haven’t put a micky finn in Bill’s bubbly have you?”

Lucy: “Er…….Um….No.” 

Satan: “Hold up I know that look Lucy girl – you have haven’t you?” 

Lucy: “Well….I might have….only a bit though.”

Satan: “Bloody hell, Bill’s drunk his and we’ve not even had our starters yet. For Christ’s sake Lucy.” 

Bill: “Oh, I am fortune’s fool!” 

WITH THAT SHAKESPEARES GLASS SMASHES UPON THE STONE TILES AND HE TUMBLES FROM HIS CHAIR AND IS NOW LYING PRONE UPON THE FLOOR.

Satan: “Stuff me Lucy I was just about to impart me life story to Billy Boy and now you’ve taken him out of the game. It’ll be days before he’s back with us. Stupid cow.”

Lucy: “Sorry Satan. Look I’m rather taken with Shakespeare if the truth be told. Do you think he’d write me my very own sonnet? If he does I give you my word that I will never, never ever poison anyone again – ever!” 

Satan: “What do you bloody think? When he comes back to us I imagine he’ll say, ‘Oh thanks Lucy for causing me anguish and pain; but look I’ve just written you a sonnet.’ Sonnet my arse. You just can’t help yourself can you?” 

Lucy: “A sonnet would have been nice though – I just have no luck with men and I so want to be normal. Look I think he stirs a little. Told you I didn’t overdo my poisonous infusion didn’t I.” 

A FEW GROANS LATER SHAKESPEARE WITH A LITTLE ASSISTANCE FROM SATAN IS MIRACULOUSLY SAT BACK UPON HIS CHAIR ALBEIT LOOKING A LITTLE PEEKY. 

Bill: “If music be the food of love, play on; Give me excess of it; that surfeiting; the appetite may sicken, and so die.”

Satan: “Well I’ll be damned – you must have the constitution of an oxen Bill. How you feeling now? You look a bit rough.” 

Bill: “Dispute not with her: she is lunatic.”

Satan: “How very true mate.  Lucy bring in the starters now and if you’ve tampered with them at all then rest assured I’ll be on your case. It’ll be De Sade for you girl.”

Lucy: “De Sade you say? The very thought has made me come over all tingly. I still fancy Shakespeare though”

Bill: “I pray you do not fall in love with me, for I am falser than vows made in wine.” 

Satan: “Nice one mate. You tell her.” 

Bill: “Hell is empty and all the devils are here.” 

Satan: “Kind of you for saying so. But looking at you I think it may be time you had a kip – you know sleep it off. We can reconvene in the am. You’re getting a bit delirious. Lucy that’ll be dinner for just the one now – you’ve buggered up the whole evening.” 

Bill: “These violent delights have violent ends.”

Satan: “Yes mate, take of your leave I should. Lucy show him to his rooms before you serve up girl.”

LUCREZIA AFFORDS SHAKESPEARE THE SUPPORT OF HER ARM AND THEY HEAD TOWARD THE BARD’S BEDCHAMBER.

Bill: “Good night, good night! Parting is such sweet sorrow, that I shall say good night till it be morrow.”

Satan: “And Lucy, just in case you’re thinking of any funny business with Bill remember what I said about De Sade.”

Bill: “Better three hours too soon than a minute too late.” 

Lucy: “Hope he’s not talking about sex – don’t sound too good if he is. Still maybe that’ll give me time to have Shakespeare and De Sade all in the one night!” 

Satan: “Lucy girl hold that disgusting tongue of yours.” 

SATAN SITS ALONE AT THE DINING TABLE AWAITING LUCREZIA’S RETURN. TO HIMSELF HE SPEAKS ALOUD. 

Satan: “Oh bollocks, maybe it could have been worse. I’ve got an eternity to write me memoirs.”

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42 thoughts on “SHAKESPEARE TO ‘GHOST WRITE’ SATAN’S MEMOIRS!

    1. Ah, I just replied to Marissa that from my experience they do present as factual history a lot of fictional legends in school insofar as I remember – then again I’m 108 so times might have changed!

    1. You won’t know this yet I am known for taking things literally and am they tell me, a dyslexic so when I read ‘defo’ I took it in the first instance to be an phrase sometimes thrown at me when I chose not to listen, ‘Deafo’! Got it now though – thank you.

      1. No! I had no idea! Of course, I seem to be surprised quite frequently about the inordinate amount of sex a lot of the historical old-timers had when I hear about it. I’ve apparently been walking around for decades thinking everyone was chaste. Isn’t Dark Lady a song by Cher? Maybe it was her!

      2. As I often remind Shirley on days when I’ve decided that the planet isn’t spinning, it’s what makes the world go around – does she listen? Does she hell! She making me wear a brace thing presently as she’s decided I’m getting round shouldered sitting over a computer for hours on end and I must say it’s jolly uncomfortable! Oh, nearly forgot does your lad have a website? If so would like the address to show G what can be done as he’s moving ever closer to the idea that the only way forward is to set up his own business. In fact we are eating out at my neighbour Raj’s Indian restaurant this very evening to discuss the way forward! Have a fine day!

      3. Sounds like she’s devised a torture chamber for you and your shoulders! 😉 She’s sneaky, that one… That’s why I like her so much! I’ll ask Jeremy – I bought him a domain name a while back, but I know he got frustrated with building it. He networks a lot, so he ends up on other people’s websites, which works for him, but then he knows a lot of people in the business. I wish he and George would talk someday and pick each others’ brains. I bet they’d really like each other. Have fun with Raj. 😀

      4. As ever Raj was the consummate host and we ate too much! But things are beginning to sort themselves out business wise. I quit work what seems like an age ago now when we sold the business so I have (or can make) free time to help G with his business plan; marketing, admin, networking (the thing he finds most loathsome but probably the single most important thing) while gets on with his web design; apps and the thing he does best namely the songwriting (i.e. songs he wants to sell to performers). Might not work but we’ll give it a go – I reckon 12 months will determine if it has any chance of success. Also, she is a cruel woman – I managed about 4 hours with the thing on before agony set in – still she insists it be worn again today! Heartless – that’s what I call it!

      5. LOL! I think if George can make the right contacts, he’ll definitely have a good chance at a career. He’s very gifted and has a lot of talent. I’ll ask Jeremy where a good networking point would be. Poor Mike. Shirley just wants you to have good posture so you don’t embarrass her when you take her out. Eye candy is very important for a woman’s self-esteem. If she keeps it up, you might have to submit a photo to Inchy to let him tell your tale of woe. 🙂

      6. Didn’t wear the thing yesterday and hope she forgets again today although she probably won’t. Good fortune (for me, not Shirl) smiled when she was pre-occupied with wave after wave of hot flushes yesterday – with wrist or knee joints that suddenly swell up for just 5 minutes then go straight back to normal when the flush goes away – weird! I don’t think there is much one can do to help on that front.
        Nobody does woe like Inchy though – he is surely the master of the genre!

      7. Oh no! 😦 Poor Shirl! 😦 Giver her a great big hug from me. ❤ Did she ice them? It's probably stress from the whole house ordeal. Or else a food allergy from Raj's place. Tell her I hope she feels better straight away. Yes, I agree, Inchy is definitely a sad chap. I hope he's exaggerating! He practically has me in tears sometimes! 😦

      8. I think it’s all to do with the accursed hot flushes! She’s 100% this morning yet they seem to strike her any time; any place! I shall pass on your concern.
        You know I’m not sure good old Inchy is exaggerating.
        Must go for the moment – G is off to teach PC again and I want him to read your note over lunch.

      9. Okay, I just talked to J and he said the second best way to network is to go to clubs and get to know the DJs – they always know who is recording. He said the best way (if George does any mixing) is to do what he did and research and find the most popular recording studio then try to intern there and turn it into a paying job and meet the recording artists as they come in. He said the studio engineers there usually know TONS of people in the industry and if G engineers with them, they’ll get to know his work first-hand. I just played him a couple of G’s songs from SoundCloud and he liked them very much.

      10. I’m very grateful for that and will pass it on. Like me, G isn’t at his best in crowded places like clubs so I suspect he won’t do that yet he is fully capable on the mixing/mastering front and has all the proper equipment etc. What is interesting is the internship idea you mentioned – just yesterday we spotted a new studio being set up by a bloke of my age who has the same degree as G and from the same uni so I got chatting to him (G is still working all day help old, odd types to work out how to use a PC) and he said he’d like to meet up with G. The plus is that this studio is also to be the home of a first ever local TV channel (these are new to the UK) so I have suggested that G offers to work for nothing for a while. You never know….to get in at the start of something may be a good thing for both the business and G. Probably won’t work out but certainly worth a try.

      11. Jeremy actually got a really big break when he met a guy who used to go to school with his dad who’s owned a studio for years. He worked there for free for a couple of months just to get to use the better equipment and bigger sound booths, and he learned a lot form the guy. Then the guy was so impressed, he hired him part-time for money and J met a lot of people. Then on his own, he started networking on Facebook and “met” a guy in California who flew him out there for a month and offered him a job running his studio. (J didn’t like the town so he turned it down.) He also does voiceovers and small mixing jobs on sites such as Fiverr.com where he gets a lot of small jobs for things like recording radio commercials…. sometimes he meets people that way too. Since he has the equipment, if G has the time, sites like that don’t make a ton of money, but they do help with experience and can help him meet people in the industry.

      12. Thanks for that! That sounds pretty much what I got in mind – I have copied and pasted what you’ve said on to a note for him – there’s more chance of him taking it on board if it doesn’t come from me!

      13. I just looked at that link – I mean that really could all go horribly wrong. I would have thought this could give you scope for a novel or a screenplay. With all the weirdo’s out there it’s a brave girl who goes into that business! As for Manson I heard that on the World Service in the early hours. The girl is only 26 and he’s 80! If he wasn’t banged up in jail he’d be living the dream? Mind when he snuffs it and she writes the book she’ll make a small fortune.

      14. Yeah, the cuddler is weird, huh? I agree it could definitely go horrible wrong. The Manson girl is weird, too. She left her family to move out there just to get to visit him and claims she was BORN for marrying him. AND she claims that he never had anything to do with killing anyone (even though her own mother was probably not even alive at the time!) News here speculates that he’s marrying her because the law states that if he has family members they can file an appeal for him.

      15. I saw a pic of the maid in a national newspaper – weirdo or what? They should never let that guy out of jail – the torture of Ms Tate was graphically reported over here when I was young – still haunts! Evil.

      16. Yeah. I have mixed feelings only because our legal system is so diverse. He is in jail for telling someone to kill yet others who actually kill are out of jail. I don’t think that’s right. On the same token, I think he’s an evil, narcissistic nutcase who would be dangerous on the streets and the first thing I wondered when I read he was getting married was if she’d be killing for him next.

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