As we sat cuddling together

Sipping wine by an open fire

I resolved to simply remind her

That she was truly my heart’s desire


And so it was we then got to chatting

About life, love and honesty

She suggested we both share our secrets

Of former lovers from our history


Thinking this was a sound idea

I elected that I would go first

For I knew her to be such a shy girl

With perhaps just a couple of beaus to her name at worst


And thus it was that I explained

My erstwhile lovers numbered but a few

When she quizzed me on this very subject

I answered, ‘In reality I’m afraid just the two’


At this she seemed quite taken aback

So I said, ‘Your turn now’

She hummed and hawed, delayed a bit

Then said, ‘Holy cow!


There really have been so many

In the hundreds if the truth be told

Let’s see, a politician, a driving instructor

And if I may be so bold


To name a boxer, a doctor, a navvy

A postman and most of Surrey

A gamekeeper, a copper and a plumber

I do hope you’re not in a hurry?


Then there was the whole Wales rugby team

And the cordon bleu chef from Birkenhead

And I’d quite forgotten Tom, Dick and Gwendoline

Together they did share my bed


And of course there was a gym mistress

And a ballerina too

Plus the bloke from down the chip shop

And the chap who did that kung fu


As for the rest I’ll have to think

Or dig out my old treasured diaries

Yes that is the best plan

And will answer all your inquiries’


Plainly I found this quite disturbing

That she’d been at least thrice round the block

I’d marked her down as the virginal type

Yet now had to parry the knock


For she had had more pricks than a second hand dartboard

Of this I was now absolutely sure

Yet should I hold this against her?

Was it more than I could endure?


So I suggested we go out for dinner

At Raj’s Curry House and maybe sink a few

Yet even as those words had left my lips

She announced coyly, ‘I’ve had him too’


      1. Being an idiot male who – especially so as a young man – never, never ever could read the nuances of what the gals were saying/implying I think I could write a book on the absolute failure of certain chaps – and there are a lot of us about – like me! Thinking back I’d have to cry if I didn’t laugh about it.

      2. I did pen something regarding ‘girlfriend’ opportunities that I completely missed once – I must try and find it as I recall chuckling to myself as I wrote the pathetic truth of it all. ‘Far Out’ – by the way I am now seriously promoting this as the new ‘Great Post’ – even mentioned it to Lord Daniel Soz and that’s a brave step to take!

      3. Of yeah! Far out! I love it! Though I just don’t hear it coming from an Englishman. Oh well, all the more humorous!!

        You know Mike, I only see the bad luck with women coming as a direct result of you not being in tune to any innuendo re the comments, BTW!

      4. You see that’s it – it all boils down to interpreting things literally – bit like the end scene in that American film Dumb & Dumber where the two chaps miss out on a coach load of lovely girls because they simply answer the question the gals put to them and completely miss the point!

    1. Funny enough I was in the gym when on came an old Carly Simon song about this very subject i.e. secrets when suddenly I saw the funny side of the otherwise serious song. I must admit that the reference to Surrey is one that I throw at the wife every so often!

  1. Shameful… When he said, “just the two”, she should have dumped his ass.

    I absolutely loved the line, “For she had had more pricks than a second hand dartboard.” Keep ’em rolling, Mike.

    1. A well used old line from the taverns of London is the ‘dartboard’ reference! In the same taverns the phrase for a mild depression would read, ‘How you feeling then mate?’ Reply: ‘Oh you know, up and down like a whores drawers’ as it happens.

  2. LOL! Now I know this one is NOT about Shirley, or else you’d be searching yourself for blood in the same place Inchy looks! But how funny that you brought the real Raj into it! This was so clever and amusing. 😀

    1. Just a daft old verse really – I seem to be in verse mode lately. I just praying it doesn’t turn into limerick mode because I start speaking in limericks. Last time that happened I was talking limericks in general conversation for 48 hours and sent Shirl insane!

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