ICARUS & HIS LOVE OF MCDONALDS DOUBLE CHEESE BURGERS

icarus

Greek Mythology Explained!

Crete, quite a long time ago: Daedalus, an inventor of international acclaim is having a chat with his son Icarus regarding the swift departure the pair of them have to make as Daedalus has well and truly pissed off King Minos, the ruler of the island of Crete. We join the pair not long before they are compelled to take of their leave.

“If I’ve told you once Icarus I must have told you a thousand times.”

“What’s that Dad?”

“Fast food my son, fast food! Man cannot live on McDonald’s Double Cheese Burgers, Fries and McFlurrys alone. Look at the fucking state of you, you fat bastard.”

“Well if you must know I’m not living on McDonald’s Double Cheese Burgers, Fries and McFlurrys alone, I had a Garden Side Salad with it today as well as a Diet Coke…so bollocks to you.”

“Don’t I know it…there’s bloody cartons all over the place. For crying out loud don’t you ever clear up after you…and don’t just shove them anywhere and everywhere like a Spartan. Remember we recycle all that stuff here on Crete…and as for the ‘Diet Coke’ I do believe that’s comparable with closing the stable door after the horse has bolted.”

“Oh yeah, forgot about the recycling…and I’ll have you know Diet Coke doesn’t have any fucking calories so it must be healthy. Anyhow I object to you calling me a fat bastard…that’s right out of order that is.”

“Well firstly, what with you being one of the great unwashed I’m shelling out for all your scoff on a daily basis and you’re filling your face I estimate at least four times a fucking day at about 1400 calories a hit and on top of that you seem to live in Harry the Turks Kebab Shop most nights and God only knows the calories in those bloody disgusting Doner Kebabs you gorge on. I mean this is becoming far beyond a joke Icarus…you are, in short as fat as pig…your girlfriend’s pissed off with another geezer sensible little maid that she is…and there’s you a beached whale…I’m surprised you don’t get harpooned when sunning yourself on the beach.”

“Crikey hold your horses Dad…I mean I may have porked up just a tad but I’m still getting over Mavis buggering off like that…without a buy your leave…well apart from suggesting I look pregnant and that it’s unlikely I could see the old todger when watering the horse…I loved her you know…really loved her.”

“The thing is Icarus since King Minos has got the raving hump with me for bolloxing the invention what I conjured up to trap his arch enemy Theseus in with that Minotaur monster thing…well that and that little liaison he thinks – wrongly as it happens – I had with his daughter Ariadne, lovely girl that she is…he’s out to get us both.”

“What’s that got to do with my waistline then?”

“Everything…bloody everything! We have to escape this island sharpish and none of the fisherman will risk the King’s wrath so we can’t leave by boat hence, what with me being a bit of a maestro on the invention front I’ve made us both wings so we can simply fly off to Sicily where it’ll be safe…seeing how I’ve got pals in the Mafia over there.”

“Cool! When we leaving then. I fancy a bit of flying.”

“When I can make a pair of wings big enough to take your weight that’s when…well by necessity today as it happens as I been fortunate in getting hold of yet another barrel of wax.”

“Wax?”

“Yeah, wax…what of it? That’s what I’ve made the wings with.”

“Oh I was thinking of something a bit sturdier….you know, like a flexible yet strong material, say aluminium and maybe a few well-placed feathers to give them a bit of panache and all that…or better still go the tried and trusted balloon route…I just can’t see how wax is going to work.”

“Look who’s the inventor here. Anyway you’ll be fine so long as firstly we get your fucking bulk off the old terra firma and secondly if you don’t fly too close to the Sun because the wax will obviously melt and you’ll drop out the sky like a sack of shit out of a 747.”

“Roger that.”

“Right then we’ll leave lunchtime.”

“That’s handy I’ll have time to sort meself out a McDonalds take out for the trip. Nice one Dad.”

A LITTLE LATER OVER THE MEDITERRANEAN SOMEWHERE FLYING TWIXT CRETE AND SICILLY

“How’s it going then Icarus?”

“Alright to start with Dad but all this flapping is knackering me out and the sweat coming out of my armpits is like an open tap…I’m chucking up a bit as well.”

“You better try to catch a thermal and do a spot of gliding son. If your body temperature goes up any further you’ll melt the wings and that’ll be goodnight Vienna for you matey boy…a truly horrible belly flop onto the waters of the Med and thereafter a watery grave for you.”

“Oh do cheer me up Dad. Do you think these wings will still keep me air bound if I take a break from all this flapping type exertion then?”

“If you catch a thermal like I said, then yes they will hold up.”

“OK then here we go…by the way what’s a thermal Dad?”

TOO LATE; SCREAM; SLIGHTLY LESS LOUD SCREAM; ALMOST INCONSEQUENTIAL SCREAM; SPLOSH

“What’s a thermal Dad? How thick that lad was…beggar’s belief really. The boy surely can’t have been the fruit of my loins.”

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39 thoughts on “ICARUS & HIS LOVE OF MCDONALDS DOUBLE CHEESE BURGERS

    1. I shall be lecturing at Cambridge next week. Changing the subject I’ve just returned from a trip the other side of the Channel. Halfway across, and plainly as far underground as the tunnel gets some chap started playing what to me sounded like the call to prayer very loudly in is car – must confess a degree of panic consumed me! What a strange world we live in.

  1. Good! It was about time for another skit! 🙂 I always loved the story of Icharus. But now that I know the truth, he’s not such an idol in my eyes any longer. Fat bastard. 😉 Excellent job here! 😀

    1. Skits are a real problem presently – the old brain is having trouble coming up with ideas for old characters; inventing new ones. I think it’s a winter thing plus the fact that I’m still thinking in bloody verses! I mean this Icarus one was OK yet it hasn’t got the ‘laugh out loud’ factor. Maybe today an idea will smack me in the face!

      1. I’ll help by giving you some writing prompts… Let’s see how many of these can inspire you:

        1.Jessica meets a man with a wooden leg.
        2.Simon & Garfunkle suffer lyricist’s block on The Sound of Silence.
        3.J.C. continues to lose friends on Facebook.
        4.Adolf Hitler gets a cavity.
        5.Satan gets new trousers and gets caught in his zipper – casts the tailor to hell.
        6.Henry VIII meets Mama Cass – both choke on a turkey leg.
        7.Miss Juniper has a gasbag in her class – has to evacuate the classroom for fresh air.
        8.Jonny Catapault visits Michaelangelo’s David.
        9. Carruthers misunderstands Jimi Hendrix lyrics and takes cover under his desk.
        10.Bobby Bob Bob accidentally arrests the Queen for badly impersonating the Queen.
        11.True story of your parents and the most trouble you were ever in.
        12.True story of Shirley and the most trouble you were ever in.
        13.The time Ted Sponge worked all day with his zipper down.
        14.Jessica visits the Redwood Forrest
        15.The French Cheese lobbing poltergeist meets the Scotch Egg lobbing poltergeist.
        16.The Dyslexic Librarian gets a time-sensitive letter calling her to visit the Queen.
        17.Carruthers drops his new eyeglasses in the waitress’ cleavage.
        18.Bobby Bob Bob has to save someone stuck in the toilet
        19.Hitler hears of Churchill’s shoelaces of destiny – orders his people to find him underpants of fortune.
        20.The dyslexic librarian develops Tourettes.

        So there you go. Let’s see if one of these will create a spark in your winter brain. 😉 If not, your verses are wonderful and will sustain us until spring. 🙂

      2. Brilliant stuff young Rachel – all of them. I did in point of fact try and write that Simon & Garfunkel one only last week! Coincidence! Didn’t like the end result. But yes you’ve reminded me here of some characters I’d quite forgotten about. I shall try and get my brain in gear and see if I can pick up on one of these and write it for you – with due credit of course! Also, I’m thinking over Christmas I might take a very brief break from blogging in order that I can write, write, write. I have written a new Carruthers that will be in the sozsatire Christmas edition of the mag that I’m quite pleased with. When it’s out I’ll send you the link. Are you and all of America having the day off for this Thanksgiving thing? If so I presume you’ll be lashed up with vino by now! Don’t do anything Shirl wouldn’t do – having said that never ever do what she might do – she’s dangerous that woman is!

      3. LOL! I just can’t wait to meet her in person! We could get in some serious trouble together! 😀

        Yes, almost everyone gets Thursday and Friday off for Thanksgiving.

        That’s pretty cool about the Simon & Garfunkle! Of course, great minds think alike. 😉

      4. On the subject of being stuck for the last word for the first line of a song I got one last evening which at long, long last I liked as did Shirley so I’ll post it next week – I’d quite overlooked these posts recently so am glad you reminded me! Have a great weekend and trust your brain is ok now!

      5. Oh, YAY! I can’t wait to read it! 😀 I have St. John’s Wort on my list, but I’ve had a bad sinus infection for the past week and a half, so I haven’t wanted to add anything new. I think my brain will get better after this month. I tend to get angry and depressed with the holidays and it’s tiring putting on a brave face for the rest of the world, ya know?

      6. The weariness of winter I call it. Not quite a depression but that ‘wishing your life away’ not by design; simply because one wants to get this season over and done with – in many respects I’m rather glad it will just be Shirl, George and me together on Christmas Day – we can do what we like without putting on false smiley face! Last year in the afternoon we took a walk along the beach – bloody brilliant, no one there!

      7. Oh, that sounds lovely! About 50% of the time, we actually have good swimming weather for Christmas and can go to the beach. A couple of years ago, I did a photo session for a family whose son came home from Afghanistan to surprise them on Christmas morning. We were to photograph them in the woods near my house which I thought would be a nice quiet place to hang out that day. But as it turned out, there must have been 30 people there walking their dogs on the trails! I was floored because it’s never that busy any other day of the year. LOL! Your other kids or grandkids won’t be coming over?

      8. No visitors although we’ll see them all before Christmas to swap presents etc. No I’m actually looking forward to the peace and quiet. I’ve got a ton of books from my birthday back in April still unread because of the blogging habit so I can’t wait to take some time out to read!

      9. It’ll be a surprise – I know there is the only Nesbo I haven’t read in the pile of books plus The Great Gatsby which shamefully I have never previously read and a couple of hardbacks still in wrapping paper so there’ll be a surprise!

      10. WHAT? You got these for your birthday in April and you still haven’t opened them from the wrapping paper yet? What if there was time-sensitive material in there, Mister?

      11. I know they are books! Until I got into blogging I was a two book a week man – everyone buys me books you see. Of course I guess one of them could be an assortment of flat packed French cheese sandwiches that might pong when I open them!

      12. I think if they were French cheese sandwiches, you would definitely smell them by now. But they could be DVDs. You could be missing the movie of the century right now!

        Speaking of movies, did you ever get a copy of “Catch Me If You Can”?

      13. A terrible confession! We haven’t even watched a movie for months now (and I pay a hefty premium for Sky Movies as well!). However it so very cold in the UK now and looks like staying that way that sitting indoors watching a film now has appeal – clearly we have a lot to catch up with! Just off to Dover to draw out loads of cash for grandchildren’s X’mas presents and I note the car is covered in frost! Brilliant – we won’t be taking coffee sat outside like we usually do – and I love people watching but it is just so very, very cold out there! Hate it!

      14. Oh no! 😦 At least G isn’t kicking you out of the house again and you have to go sit in the cold. Is there any word yet on the real Svetlana’s disappearance? Why do you have to go to Dover? There’s no bank in Deal? I say instead (or in addition to) of loads of cash for their gifts, you need to make them a book of your stories and poems. They’ll treasure them for years to come.

      15. No G is on his last day helping aged smelly people (some of whom seem to him the worse for drink) understand computers. A month of this he’s done for very little money indeed yet at least he’s seen our the other half live – it’ll do him good. The reason were going to Dover I guess is that we tend to gravitate there a lot these days – don’t know why but maybe it is something to do with the port – still get excited every time I drive past it. Last night coming back from a football match we had the lights of the harbour this time and across the Channel clear, bright lights of Calais – man made stuff I know yet stunning view! As to Svetlana she has gone and a pretty little English girl has taken over – she makes sublime coffee but it’s not the same!

      16. Good for G! I hope the people he helped don’t forget what he taught them as soon as he’s gone. 😉 So you can actually see France from there? I seemed to think the channel was a lot wider than that. How cool! I can’t wait to see it myself! 😀

      17. From what he tells me a couple of them had trouble remembering their own names! A day and a half with an old Chinese lady with poor English and still she cannot use a mouse! Anyway he arrived home yesterday insisting he’s taking early retirement! Twat – yet likable twat. It is true we can see France really clearly when the atmospheric conditions are right – sometimes when the sun is on the sea it has a magnifying effect and you feel you can almost touch France. The property deal now seems back on as ‘cat’ lady is out of the equation. The gals we are buying from have now found a ‘chain free’ empty house in the middle of nowhere so we now need to find yet another buyer for ours and the whole thing will be on a roll! I know the new place is an ugly old lump of a building yet it only needs a bit of decoration inside and has a new boiler; been re-wired etc. so we should settle in quickly when it happens. Going back to bed now as didn’t get mush kip last night owing to revellers from a Christmas party walking past our house into the early hours – shame it wasn’t the US ’cause I’d have had a gun a shot them all! Why is it pissed women make vastly more noise than pissed blokes when walking home?

      18. Okay, I’ll answer this backward…because drunk women get horny and that’s their mating call. Drunk men just get flatulent. That’s SO AWESOME about the house! So you’ll be moving to the same original house you wanted in the first place? Do you have a new buyer for yours yet? How soon do you think you’ll be able to move? I still think it would be funny if you ended up crossing paths down the road with the cat lady. Maybe in a coffee shop. That’s so cool about France, too! Are you still going to be near a section of the channel so you can see it from the new house? Poor George! 😦 Maybe while he’s in between gigs, you can enlist him to start blogging with us! Maybe he’ll meet some other musicians that way.

      19. Boy if I could only get George to put all of his back catalogue on Soundcloud I’d be over the moon. All his best stuff isn’t even on the net which pisses me off. He won’t upload until he’s happy with the mixing yet he hasn’t got round to remixing etc.Although one from his Plato album does appear – he’d be furious if he knew this! Has someone nicked it from him? I only spotted this a short time ago. Here’s the link (this is one I’ve always liked). http://stafaband.info/download/mp3/lagu_chatter_of_the_ghosts/
        Do you think this is out of order by whomsoever put the song on ‘Stafaband’?
        The good news is that we have sold the house just yesterday! At £2,000.00 less than the previous two sales but as we are making a good profit we thought bollocks and just agreed. Most of the profit will go on getting the new place how we want it anyway so I’m not treating it as money in the bank. We have been told we could be in by the end of January no less. Given that there are loads of rooms that will need curtains and wardrobes etc. (all wardrobes are fitted ones here so we got rid of all our stuff when we moved here) Shirl has a lot to do measuring up and stuff so I’ll have to support her in this venture. I think I sent you the details before yet here is the floor plan so you can see what we are up against as the vacating occupants are taking all curtains/blinds with them! http://www.rightmove.co.uk/property-for-sale/property-45808322.html?premiumA=true
        The new place is not the greatest house in the world yet I think when we’ve finished the inside will be top dollar! Also from Dover the view to France is even better as it is just 20 miles away plus the Channel Tunnel is only 8 miles up the road and the harbour for the ferries is just a mile and a half away from the house! And, of course Shirley has her garden at last – a very unusual garden at that with it being split by a small private road allowing for parking at the rear of the property. Bingo – the deal is on at last! We should be able to entertain you properly now even if we are in a mess for the first years of sorting the place out how we want it.

      20. WOW! First of all, that song is awesome! He has such an amazing voice! It’s so funny how a song is “never finished” as far as a musician is concerned. Of all the professional musicians I’ve known, they ALL seriously focus on one wrong note during a concert that the crowd probably never even noticed, much less remembered.

        Jeremy had that happen once, where someone got hold of one of his beats and published it without his permission. If G didn’t do that, he needs to contact the website (admin@stafaband.info) and tell them it is his song and was posted without his permission.

        YAY on the house sale! That’s great news! £2,000.00 is about $4,000 USD… That’s not much to lose considering what you’re getting. Your property value will increase so much with all your renovations.

        The new house is GORGEOUS! And the little green “SOLD” triangle in the corner is YOU, my friend! How cool! FINALLY! That’s the best Christmas present ever! And You should be settled in just in time for Shirley to start her garden in the Spring. 😀

        Why would the occupants take the curtains/blinds with them? They won’t likely fit anywhere else, would they? Not that you necessarily want other people’s used stuff, but at least you wouldn’t be pressed for time to get your own new window treatments.

        Do most all homes there have wardrobes instead of closets? If so, what do you use for other storage?

        Is yours the brick half or the white half? The kitchen is to die for! And the yard is gorgeous! Well, the whole thing is gorgeous! I can’t wait to see what you do with it.

        So Dover is 20 miles from France? (You don’t use kilometers there?) How far is Deal? How far is Deal from the Channel Tunnel? I can’t wait to see all that in person! 😀

      21. Deal is about 8 miles from Dover – basically just around the corner from where the White Cliffs of Dover finish. Every place is close by really – the walled city of Canterbury is only 14 miles away’ Folkestone about 5 miles from Dover and Ashford (about 15 miles from Dover) is where the fast trains 100mph+ runs into London so it is well placed. Ours is the white painted house. The two sisters moving out with their very, very old mum are doing it on a shoestring I think so need all their stuff – we don’t like their curtains anyway! In the UK because of all the old Victorian and Georgian property we tend to rely on wardrobes and attic space for storing stuff – we are so old fashioned over here! The main thing is she’s got her garden even if it is an unusual garden! I’ll let G know about this music thing – cheers for that. I do think you’ll like Hellfire Corner (which is what this area was called during the Battle of Britain and the names stuck!). Dover Castle is also very close to where we will be.

  2. Wax and feathers, really? How old school can you get? I’m totally with Icarus on the structural integrity thing. You’d think a kingdom modern enough to attract a McDonald’s franchise could boast a Home Depot or at least a Hobby Lobby.

    1. What a brilliant name ‘Hobby Lobby’ – sounds like the sort of tramp/down and out the wife would feel sorry for and/or take a shine to and feed! Notwithstanding the truth of Icarus is now out there – I’m expecting to be served legal papers any time now.

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