THE BRATWURST SAUSAGE OF DESPONDENCY

spitfire

The Battle of Britain explained!

16th September 1940; an airfield somewhere in Kent, England: Yesterday, 15th September 1940 was the pivotal day in the Battle of Britain, indeed the very day the RAF, although massively outnumbered by 5 to 1 inflicted a sufficiency of losses upon the Luftwaffe to convince the Germans that this was a battle they could not win. With an average age of just 21 years and an average life expectancy of just 4 weeks for Spitfire pilots one can only reflect and pay homage to these ‘few’ young men many of whom who paid dearly for the freedom of generations yet to be born. This day we join Spitfire pilots Biffo and Spiky having a chat in a brief moment of quiet before it all kicks off again!

“I say Biffo that was one jolly good wheeze you pulled off yesterday. I really do have to say I was ever so impressed old chap.” 

“Oh you mean that sneaky trademark manoeuvre of mine enabling my theft of the Bratwurst sausage from that Kraut Messerschmitt pilot chappie. Yes must confess I was rather proud of that one. You see I got stuck amid the bags of flap and a low ceiling, spotted the Jerry noshing on his sausage whilst knocking out a few random pot shots at our boys then remembered I’d bleddy well dipped out on breakfast at chocks away. So I turned on a sixpence then came in from behind, knocked out his prop, waited until he jumped then cut back the throttle, almost gilded in, slipped the cockpit lid open and grabbed the Bratwurst from him with my bare hands – needless to say the greedy chap was still trying to have a nibble whilst on his way down into the briny. Job done! Tasted bleddy handsome I must say – although I’m bound to add old Krautio did pipe up and bellow ‘schweinhund’ at me. Still that’s another culinary delight stolen from the Luftwaffe whilst in combat.” 

“Ever so clever Biffo, more so what with all the food rationing we’re suffering and there’s you picking up delicacies from the enemy right, left and centre. The one you did last week when you nobbled the apple strudel from that U Boat captain just after they had surfaced and as he was relaxing on a deck chair upon the tower whilst enjoying a little Wagner on his gramophone was a belter. Loved the way you took a squirt at him scaring him shitless and causing him to throw aloft his confectionary just as you beat up the sea and grasped it only seconds ahead of those wily seagulls. Magic moment that was – I always love to see another ‘sauerkraut’ if you get my drift.” 

“Well the very instant I saw it I thought to myself a slice of apple strudel would go down a treat for tiffin – and it did!  Whatever, Spiky you wouldn’t mind passing me a gasper would you?” 

“Not at all Biffo, nothing like a smoky treat, a cup of cha and a copy of the old Daily Sketch to rummage through to start the day orf in my book. Well that and a bowel movement of course.” 

“True Spiky, very true. Look here old chap it says on the front page of mine that Winnie thinks yesterday’s little dogfight with the Hun was our ‘Hour of destiny’.” 

“Does he by Jove, Biffo. Still you have to admit it was a tad more than a ‘little dogfight’ seeing as how we downed 176 enemy planes and sent what was left of the Luftwaffe home with their tails between their legs!  How many did you bag?” 

“What apart from the bratwurst…let me think…oh yes I did have a Chicken Schnitzel from the clutches of the rear gunner of that Dornier and, yes I recall now a truly delightful slice of Black Forest Gateaux purloined from the very personage of his oppo, co-pilot if I recall, as he made to jump after I’d bagged the twin engines – I bellowed, ‘Look no Hans’ at him as I clasped it in my teeth on the fly past! So all told that’s a hat trick I believe! Thinking about it though I should really keep an eye on the old waistline what with all this nosh I’m scoffing.” 

“Wizzo Biffo, you really are an ace and you never even have a prang. Changing the subject did you pop down the pub last night only you said that’s where you were heading for – orf to bag that sweet little barmaid I recall?” 

“Did just that Spikes, she was indeed my target for the night. Whispered in the gals ear that I’d never been with a woman before and that I was a tad concerned that the Hun might get me and I’d my number might come up leaving me having never known the joys of a bit of how’s your father.” 

“That old trick again you rascal Biffo. Did she acquiesce?” 

“She certainly did old chum. I waited around until closing time and it was orf to the jalopy to roast the old broomstick.” 

“What a lucky devil you are finding such accommodating gals. I’m surprised that jalopy of yours still has any suspension. What was she like anyway?” 

“Oh quite the sweetest little thing – even told me she felt ever so proud to be part of the war effort and that a little slap and tickle on the back seat was a darn sight better than shovelling cow pats with the Woman’s Land Army to boot!” 

“I say I think I spot the Squabbling Bleeder heading our way. Wonder what he wants?” 

“Ruddy hell, hope he hasn’t got wind of my shenanigans with the barmaid.” 

SQUADRON LEADER NONNINGTON PENNE JOINS BIFFO & SPIKY 

“Well Biffo – and you Spiky for that matter – just thought I’d pop over to let you both know I’ve had none other than the PM himself on the blower asking me to convey his personal thanks to you – especially so you Biffo for getting this great nation of our out of a bit of a sticky mess yesterday.  You see it seems that Hun chap you relieved of his Bratwurst sausage over Hellfire Corner was none other than their top flying ace Otto ‘Fatty’ Smeltz. Furthermore when the news got out of Otto’s humiliation the moral of the Luftwaffe evaporated and they all turned tail and buggered orf back home.  Winnie’s calling it ‘The Bratwurst of Despondency’. I’m guessing here you’ll get more than a little fruit salad for the left tit Biffo! Well done chaps.”

“Crikey Spiky would you odds it? What a turn up for the books!”

“I’ll wager that little barmaid of yours will be impressed.”

“Well if I last the day out and don’t cop a packet I do believe I’ll see if she wants a taste of my fruit salad!”

 

 

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20 thoughts on “THE BRATWURST SAUSAGE OF DESPONDENCY

    1. Reincarnation of Winnie himself. An old chap, a regular in an East London pub in Docklands always – probably does to this day – salute the pic of Winnie set upon the saloon bar wall prior to purchasing his first drink of the day!

      1. No. I actually keep track of the blogs I want to read by filtering them so they go directly into my inbox. Thing is, I end up with 100s of emails every day and sometimes they get buried!

  1. I believe The Bratwurst of Despondency is the British name? In our history books, it’s always been referred to as The Frankfurter of Despair. Awesome story! 😀 I’m glad you’re back in the creative skit mindset! 😀

    1. I went to Germany with my parents when I was about 12 and was served a frankfurter I swear was 2 foot long – ate it of course yet was ‘in despair’ for some time thereafter. I’m am rather taken with Biffo – a sort of Carruthers with confidence!

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