bum whap

‘Careful where you put your hands’

Is what she said to me

‘But madam I am armless

Turnabout and you will see’


With that the damsel about faced

Looked at me with distain

And even though I was upper limb challenged

She requested I refrain


From doing whatever she thought I’d done

Though in truth I hadn’t a clue

Notwithstanding she was in a huff

I thought ‘What a to-do’


Feeling most hard done by

I gently nutted her upon the shoulder

Once more she turned around and said

‘I detect you’re getting bolder


If you infringe my space thus

I shall have to call the fuzz

And even though you have no arms

Rest assured the police I’ll buzz’


Perplexed I determined a riposte

I couldn’t let this thing go

Accused as I was of roving hands

Hence I made mention apropos


Of nothing save that I was irked

So I asked her what she thought my crime

‘Well someone pinched my bottom

And it really hurt big time’


‘Well rest assured it wasn’t me

See, I’ve no fingers with which to squeeze

Your derriere so perfect

That it makes me weak at the knees


And any man who would even dare

Impinge upon your space

In such a vile manner

Should be slapped about the face’


At that very moment I did spot him

The joker in the pack

This time he bit the ladies bottom

Then legged it, leaving me to take the flack


Of course I was arrested

And before the magistrate I stood

He said, ‘Even though you have no arms

Plainly you were up to no good


For your most despicable act

I sentence you to life in jail

And if you’re thinking of appealing

I shan’t be granting bail’


At this I saw in the public gallery

The true villain of the peace wink

And mouth the word ‘twat’ at me

As I was taken off to the clink


When the newspapers published my story

There was a public outcry

An angry mob tracked him down

And caught the guilty guy


One of the mob, a surgeon

Amputated the fellows upper limbs

Transplanted them upon me

Thus I had what once belonged to him


My sentence quashed and free again

I got on with my life

And the girl who filed against me

Is now my lovely new wife


The plus in our relationship

Ensconced as we are in our new home

Is that she couldn’t give a monkey’s now

Where ‘his’ hands do roam!



33 thoughts on “WHERE HIS HANDS DOTH ROAM!

    1. Never did watch Seinfeld so sadly no! I must admit – and I don’t mean this rudely – American comedy mostly leaves me cold! Although you lot, when you get TV right you do do it very well. I particularly like Newsroom presently (although not a comedy). Dumb & Dumber remains the only comedy film from the US that amused me…thinks…no can’t think of another one!

      1. I’m quite surprised that you are not familiar with Seinfeld. Really think you would like it. I just watched Dumb and Dumber, first time, first movie, and found the humor a bit crass. Maybe it’s more of a guy thing. Anyway…

      2. Dumb & Dumber was worth it for the scene near the end with the bus load of pretty gals seeking directions from the two lads – both American versions of Carruthers and getting it all wrong! Thanks for the YouTube thingy I shall watch and report back! I do rather the like the script-writing for Big Bang Theory – clever.

      3. Of yes, that scene was very you! I think I actually thought of you when watching it now that I look back. (It was just this past weekend mind you!

        Bing Bang is a good one! Still think nothing tops Seinfeld.

      4. No, I actually don’t think I’ve ever seen a Monty Python movie all the way through. I know, you can just refrain from being my friend at this point forward….

        The truth is, is that most of my movie viewing is dictated by my children. If I can convince them that they might enjoy it, I just might be able to watch it.

      5. That is the way with kids – we went through the same thing until the day our youngest, George grew up! I remember thinking at the time that I would never have to go to the cinema to watch kids movies ever again, also never would have to be bored shitless at a theme park ever again! Utter bliss. And the plus was the more George got into decent music he took me with him and, old fart that I am I have really enjoyed discovering artists that otherwise I would have missed out on completely.

      6. Yep, well my son is starting to cross that line. My daughter is only 7 though so I think I have a long sentence to serve with that one. As for the music, yes, I try to listen to current music on the radio but there is always something that slips through my fingers.

    1. Just one of those that started with a first verse and traveled its own direction thereafter – wrote another one that same day that ended up as a profile of a murderer yet it was sending out bad vibes so I put it on ice!

      1. Oh no! 😦 Maybe if you come back to it later, you’ll view it differently. I did that recently with a book I started then switched gears. At the time, I thought it was drivel. Upon rereading it two months later, I rather liked it.

        On another note, I thought of you today when I came across some trivia about Hitler! (I thought of you only because of your interest in WW2 Germany, NOT because YOU reminded me of Hitler!) Did you know he was a vegetarian, too? Did you ever watch a TV show called The Twilight Zone? If so, did you ever watch any of the 1980s or 1990s or 2000s remakes? There was one particular episode in 2002 about Hitler that other than the obvious “switch” (I won’t give it away so you can watch it if you haven’t already), the stuff about his home life was pretty spot-on accurate. You can watch the full episode here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cf1caeyd53Y

      2. Shirley was listening to a thing about Hitler on the radio just the other day. He apparently did not chose to go veggie but did so on the advice of his doctor as a way of resolving his perpetual ‘wind’ – this is true by the way. Back in the day they used to suggest pulses as a cure to excessive gas! I’ll take a look at the Twilight zone on my blogging break – I’ve got so much catching up to do, plus helping Shirl organise stuff. It’ll be like a holiday methinks and I can always get links to your posts from Facebook. After this week I’m taking time out until the New Year – my brain needs it also. Even that one and only short break we took to France back in the spring helped me think of new characters and scripts. Zero degrees here today by the way – just been out and purchased some new thermal vests!

      3. I DID read that about Hitler’s gas! How funny! Definitely chill with that Twilight Zone if you can. I think you’ll LOVE it. Well, I’m definitely going to miss you here! But luckily I’ll still see you on FB! 🙂 Good for you for taking a break. That’s good for the brain, for sure. Are you packing to move yet? Do you have a date yet?

      4. Actually one of the reasons I decided to confirm a break was that Shirley – albeit a bit premature – is itching to box things up and I know she won’t resist the temptation much longer. That and the fact that for the new place we have to buy curtains for every single room plus wardrobes etc. We got rid of all ours when we moved here as everything is built in here. It would be bad form if I let her organise all this alone. Haven’t got a date yet but should know very soon. It is a very short chain with cash buyers meaning that solicitors don’t have to mess around getting mortgage money in place etc.I shall keep you posted and also could you send me your email address again. I’m just about to change our broadband/TV/telephone provider and want to confirm all my contacts are in place – I’m not very good at saving them and tend to rely on email threads that sometimes get inadvertently deleted. Cheers.

      5. Aww, you’re so sweet to help her. Yes, I’ll send you my email on Facebook. (I don’t like to type it on WordPress because it causes SPAM.) I’m very happy for you guys and excited that you’re finally seeing the end of the road with this move. I hope you take tons of before and after photos as you make the changes to the new place, both indoors and out.

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