civil servants“I say Carruthers the PM’s private secretary is frantic.”

“Fran Tic? Gosh I thought her name was Sheila…I mean I’ve been calling her Sheila for years. She must think me an idiot…I do wish you’d have corrected me before now.”

“No old chum she’s frantic as in ‘got her knickers in a twist’.”

“How so?”

“Oh it seem that that unsavoury Peer of the Realm, Lord Daniel Soz 7th Earl of Whitechapel has been up to his old tricks again and published a transcript of our little chat only last week about organising the office Christmas party…it’s all there in print, word for bleddy word.”

“The scoundrel, I really thought he’d stop being such a nuisance after we had words with him a while back.  Anyway how on earth did he acquire said transcript?”

“FO mole.”

“How dare you speak to me like that! I shall not ‘FO’ as you so bluntly and cruelly I might add put it nor am I a ‘mole’ – I don’t know what possessed you to say such a thing.”

“No you’ve got me quite wrong…I meant we have a mole in the Foreign Office…as in a betrayer no less.”

“For pities sake man who is this Bette Rayer. Never heard of her.”

“No not a person…well yes a person sort of…more an informer leaking information from this very office. We shall have to put a stop to it directly.”

“What a morning I’m having…really cannot cope with all this confusion…if it’s not one person I’ve never heard of it’s a bleddy baker’s dozen. Tell me who this Di Rectly is and I’ll sack the bitch on the spot.”

“Crumbs I’m getting all in a muddle myself now…tell you what let’s pop orf to the club for a sharp’ner. I for one could use one.”

“What would you do with him then?”


“This Juan chappie you talk of…do trust you’re not bowling from the pavilion end these days. Oh bugger it, I’ll join at the club…just need to water the horse first.”

If that were not drivel enough I can report that the Christmas issue of the online SozSatire mag is out now and available at;

Within its pages you will find a host of characters plus the sheer lunacy of Danny Sparko (a particular favourite of mine; certainly one I wish I’d thought up) see;!danny-sparko/cvx3

And a splendid pop at the twat of twats namely Nigel Farage and his UKIP brigade;!satire/c1za6

plus, the Carruthers & Chum leaked transcript;!festive-foreign-muck/c1wcz

a host of others characters and stuff!

The ‘mag’ as ever is devoid of those awful advert things and is entirely ‘free’.

If you enjoy then you may care to like SozSatire on Facebook – the button thing for this is at the bottom of the page.



      1. You see those small, highlighted, lines of script beginning with HTTP. These are called links. You left click your cursor on these and then, as if by magic, you are taken to the site to which they are linked. In this particular case, the magazine.
        You’re welcome 😀

  1. These always seem like the hardest ones….thinking of all the different names and words that Carruthers can bumble! Knocking out the two Carols cracked me up! And the FO mole about made me fall out of my chair! 😀

    1. I’ve been making notes of words Carruthers can get wrong in the future plus Shirl wants me to write a Christmas or News Years party tale with the old chap, his wife and his mistress!

      1. Oh, that’s a wonderful idea! An office party or a personal party? Are you going to continue with the twins or dismiss them? Yeah, I think I’d come across the perfect words for him to bumble just when I was somewhere without a pen or about to fall asleep. I’m glad you’re thinking about him again! 😀

      2. I am writing the post party piece for the mag this very day – I’ll let you know when it is up. Clive puts in a major shift on his mag what with the editing, pics, music etc.

      3. I can’t wait to read it! Are you going to post it to your blog as well?

        By the way, did I tell you how accidentally ate meat the other day? I was photographing a wedding and the only food they had was meatballs, ham quiche and biscuits. So I opted for a biscuit…Took a bite and only then did I find there was bacon inside! I was nowhere near a door or restroom, and had no napkin, so I had no choice but to swallow! I thought I would be sick right there! LOL!

      4. Posted it you in an email. Only Shirley has read it thus far!
        Bit of a dog on the old meat front then – good fortune has smiled upon me as I have never – knowingly at least – suffered the same fate. When I became a veggie all those years ago it was to lose weight and get over the best I could the wretched diabetes. Now after all these years the very thought of eating something with a face repels I must say. Bad luck that was young Rachel!

      5. Cool! I’ll have to check that email. 🙂 Yeah, it makes me physically ill when I eat meat. Usually because I am allergic to what the meat ate before me (soy protein). And then mentally, when I think about how the food they ate is still present, it makes me feel sick because that’s just gross!

      6. Did you know that statistically the best thing we can all do in terms of global warming is to give up meat eating! It scores higher than driving a car; recycling, solar panels…the lot! Plus animals don’t get to be killed! The thing is for example the cattle herds of South America are fed on soya – the very soya that could feed the planet. Yet fed to the cattle they fart and that’s that – climate change – plus the killing farms and the transportation of dead flesh – horrible stuff really. Do hope you like the new Carruthers – no one aside from Shirl had read it yet!

      7. That all makes good sense… Now how do we get the word out? Have no doubt, I LOVE anything and everything Carruthers, but I only just now got the email opened and I emailed you a reply. That has to be one of the best office ones yet! It was incredible! I seriously can’t say enough good things. Your brain, which I usually admire so much anyway, was in overdrive on this one, my friend! Excellent!

      8. Have I replied to this? The new WordPress layout on replies and comments is throwing me a tad! Anyway the word limit is all to do with available space on the page plus the fact that satire in comic format needs to be short so as the reader doesn’t tire too quickly with the comic as a whole. But I’ll give it a while and get them all on the blog sometime – plus the collection of about 8 Carruthers skits that only ever appeared on Facebook back in January when Clive gave me free reign of the Facebook page. I mixed my characters with some of his as Carruthers & Chum travelled the planet seeking out the Chalice of Satire.
        Hopefully the break is working as I made myself laugh writing a skit yesterday – that’s been rare recently. Must keep writing until the 100 metres of bubble wrap arrives on Monday!

      9. Oh, that’s wonderful news – that you made yourself laugh at writing AND that Carruthers will be appearing more often again. 100 Meters of bubble wrap is a little insane! How big of a roll will that be? It’s got to be at least as big as a couch!

        Didn’t Clive tell me on my FB page once that satire is only political in nature or something like that and that what you and Gary do is comedy of sorts? If that’s not “true satire” by his definition, then can’t yours be longer? Either way, I’m just so happy to get to read more Carruthers! I’m glad you’re at least getting some writing time while you’re in between packing, but not feeling pressured to make it happen by blogging this week. As far as WordPress, they’ve been changing for me lately, too, and I don’t care for their changes! GRR! 😉

      10. WordPress seems to change things everyday now – today it has suddenly gone back to what it was originally! Great for me yet how did that happen? As to satire Clive is spot on. I am, I think a humourist for the main part. I think the issue is that a ‘mag’ needs short skits to retain reader attention and get them on to the next skit asap etc. A bit like a kids comic (hard copy old fashioned one). Regardless I am building up a file of Carrurthers stuff. Can’t really do more proper packing until her bubble wrap arrives so we have a days grace then Christmas then I think the bits of packing will only take a day now as obviously with a few weeks to go before the move we have to keep our regular ‘in use’ stuff available to us. I do believe we have rather a lot for the charity shops though!

      11. Oh, I’m so sorry…. I don’t envy you! I don’t know which I hate worse: packing or unpacking! But either way, the act of moving sucks, even if the house ends up better than the one you’re leaving. Do you have to use a different cable, on-line, electric, water, garbage, etc., carrier than where you are now? If so, that’s always an extra pain, too. 😦 How long ago did you move into the house where you currently are? Please don’t let Shirley forget to take photos! 🙂

      12. I shall probably take the snaps myself to give me something to do on the wretched day we move! Luckily it is all the same utilities although I will be chaanging the TV/Broadband/telephone people as Dover has (I’m told) fast fibre optic!
        We’ve been here 4 years since coming up from Devon. We moved up here because G has amazing dust allergies and couldn’t have gone to university in Halls of Residence because he would never have stopped sneezing! Well that plus after 13 years in Devon we were bored and wanted to be a lot closer to my kids here in Kent – well apart from my oldest Milo who lives in Norfolk and has his first baby (a boy) due on Christmas Day!

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