“Don’t think much of your Belgian plumbing Rene mate. I mean, didn’t your original plumber realise that you’d end up challenged on the old hot water supply pressure without him having fitted a pump to the system at the outset. Even better he could have installed a combi boiler – piece of piss that would have been, I’ve already checked your local mains pressure and its way above the 3 bar minimum threshold. If I were you I’d give him a bell and ask for your money back mate…still at least it’s all working tickety-boo now.”

“Jonny I can’t thank you enough. The wife, Georgette nearly caught her death of cold just last week – boy could we have done with hot water up in the ensuite then.”

“Poor Georgie Girl…how come she got so cold then?”

“Oh you know I was doing one of me trademark surrealist type nude paintings and she was the model and all that.”

“Even so Renio you’re central heating works a treat. Knowing you I’d wager you were counting the pennies and you never had it switched up.”

“No Jonny it wasn’t that all as it happens.  No, where I got it all wrong was when I had her pose for hours on end by an open window so I could set her naked form against a backdrop of fluffy white clouds and a glorious azure seascape. Do you want to take a gander at the painting?”

“Certainly do Renio…right lets cast me gazers over this one.  Bet she’s still as lovely as ever diamond kid that she is…hold up, bloody hell I see Georgie Girl’s torso has turned ice blue with what I hazard a guess to be much more than just your average winter chill.  If I recall correctly the temperatures didn’t go above freezing point at any stage last week.  It’s no bloody wonder she nigh on froze her tits off. You should be ashamed of yourself for breaking the golden rule of artists favouring the naked female form namely that you don’t, never ever ask a girl to take her kit off exposed to the elements during the mid-January inclemency.  Never forget what the tosser pre-Raphaelite Sir John Everett Millais did to the truly gorgeous Elizabeth Siddal when she posed in the bathtub – full kit on mind – for his painting of Ophelia! She very nearly died of the cold. Do not let it ever be said a surrealist would be as plain bloody inconsiderate as a pre-Raphaelite my friend.”

“I know Jonny, truly I know. It’s just that I got carried away with my work and forgot to let her take a break. It was only when I noticed I’d run out of blue paint that I thought stone the crows Georgette turned blue with the cold. The daft thing is she never complained at the time. If only she given me the nod that she was getting frost bite in the crucials I’d have stopped in an instant.”

“Has she recovered now?”

“Thankfully yes. As soon as I fathomed that our shower was up the creek I put her over my shoulder and made hell for leather to Frank’s place next door…had him run a hot bath and chucked her in it. Her teeth didn’t stop chattering till the following morning mind…it was like sleeping next to an over active woodpecker that night I have to say. I never got a wink of kip. Still all’s well that ends well – you can say hello to her if you want, she’ll be up in the studio any minute posing again.”

“In the naughty naked nud I’ll wager knowing you. I do hope you’ll keep the windows shut and the heat on full this time.”

“Oh no problems on that front Jonny. She’ll be safe and sound indoors mate. I’m going for a simple reclining nude this time around…you know playing it safe until springtime.”

“Glad to hear that…I think I’ll hang around and watch you both at work then – providing of course you have an ample supply of strong tea and a matching stock of Garibaldi biscuits mate.”

“No problem on that front Jonny, you’re more than welcome to stay and don’t worry I’ll heed your words in future.”

“Just you make sure you do.”

“You really are a living legend Jonny.”


    1. Mine used to say ‘Your face will turn to stone’ at my ever vacant expression! It did which came in quite handy when years later sailing about the Med I spotted the Gorgons and knew for certain I was bullet proof!

    1. I never had a muse to paint – not that I can paint, or draw (well I can draw upside down ‘w’s that look like seagulls in the distance). Ever since my teenage years I’ve sent my Christmas list off to Mr Claus asking for a real life muse to paint. Does he listen? Does he hell. I’ve even tried to get my Shirl to be my muse yet she always looks at me strange and says, ‘Some hope’! So very, very unfair in my book.

    1. I still like Jonny because he’s everything I’m not! It’s the getting into character that makes me laugh. I think I’ve mentioned it before but I really do stay in character for the rest of the day – inevitably Shirley gets a few wolf whistles and ribald compliments! Such fun.

      1. Oddly the fun is in the search for the paintings! I simply type ‘nude art; oil paintings; famous artists’ into Google and scroll until one makes me laugh as an idea for Jonny hits me – I have to wear the Jonny persona when doing this! Also I discovered early on when searching Google images that unless I put ‘oil paintings’ in all you get is porn and that really wouldn’t do – Jonny would be totally against porn as he always protects the ladies; even tells off artists who are not as thoughtful as they should be!

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