In answer to your question

No I haven’t killed your cat

Your dog or your reptiles

Nor your stupid bloody bat


Admittedly I frowned at them

Just the other day

For when you let them out to frolic

They do quite often stray


Here into my garden

Which is my pride and joy

Those little bastards that you own

Cunning tactics they deploy


The cat shits on my fresh mowed lawn

The dog digs down to Hades

Your reptiles scoff the butterflies

And the bat carries the rabies


So if you’d be so kind

To keep your menagerie off my patch

Thus ensuring the health and safety

Of your ‘pets’ yet here’s the catch


Ignore my request at your peril

For in my cellar I keep a crocodile

And if I let Eric – that’s his name – loose

He will soon wipe off the smile


From that ugly face of yours

You self-centred, ignorant twat

For Eric when the mood takes him

Will eat your dog, your bat and cat


As to the bloody reptiles

I’ll take care of them myself

I’ll chop off their heads with a carving knife

Mount them on the kitchen shelf


So I trust you’ve got the message

And you’ll keep your pets away

Thus avoiding the necessity

Of me committing an act foul play



    1. Enjoy your pub crawl – haven’t done one of those since the old King died. Mind you we can have our pub crawl indoors as we were over in France only last week and acquired more wine, beer etc than one could shake a stick at!

      1. You! The very gal who pops of on a pub crawl at the drop of a hat leaving those poor little hamsters alone and frightened. I have of course reported you to the Hamster Welfare Services who will, I imagine be in touch in due course.

      2. With the postal services overstretched at this time of the year I fear your ‘haste’ may never arrive on time! Personally I’ve never thought to post a haste.

  1. Hmm… I have to wonder…. Is this actually by Shirley who guards her beautiful garden? Or is it by you… while you were thinking of the awful cat lady? Either way, I love it! It’s clever and hilarious! 😀

    1. Sadly it is not me! I got fed up with seeing my ugly face each time I went into my blog! However, I may have to revert back to a regular mugshot as I seem to be confusing/misleading my readers. Such is life! Whatever, all the very best of luck, Yours, The Old Fool!

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