THE MAN IN THE BRETON SHIRT

GIRL WITH NO LEGS

All her life

She had wanted legs

Proper legs

With feet, ankles, calves, knees and thighs

Yet circumstance

Had afforded her

Nought but wheels

Small wheels at that

Little wrought iron ones

Wheels that required

Constant care

Oiling and such like

 

Notwithstanding her shortcomings

She got out and about

Best she could

That is, until the day

The local authorities

Had something of a

Retro brainwave

They cobblestoned

The market square

 

She lived in a house

On market square

So now she prayed

For tarmac

As well as feet, ankles, calves, knees and thighs

 

Then one day

Quite out of the blue

The sailor arrived in town

Breton shirt, beer belly

Drank vast quantities of rum

Farted constantly

Belched with pride

With gusto

 

They met in a

Smoke laden bar

She in a wheelchair

(Her wizened auntie had taken her out for some fresh air.

Why she chose to go to a bar no one ever knew)

 

The sailor was singing

A ribald sea shanty

At the time

To the accompaniment

Of an accordion

He amused her

She caught his eye

The accordionist noticed too

A deafening silence ensued

A galaxy of drunkards

Turned about face

Embarrassing her

More than a little

 

A harlot, hanging

On to the sailor’s arm

For dear life

Flinched at his rancid breath

Yet still held fast

Such is the fate of a girl

Short of gilders

(Perversely, she cast a jealous eye at the girl)

Regardless his

‘Popeye on spinach’ forearm

Thrashed the harlot

To Kingdom come

 

In an instant

The sailor sobered up

Whereas he should have stumbled

He straightened himself

Walked over to the girl

Planted the mother of all kisses

Upon her virgin lips

Clicked his fingers

Bellowed skyward at the heavens

And, miraculously the girl had legs

With feet, ankles, calves, knees and thighs

 

With great care

And eyes shut tight

The girl ran her hands

Over her new limbs

They felt ever so fine

 

When she opened them again

She found herself on a yacht

On the wide open sea

In the company of

A handsome young man

In a Breton shirt

From his place at the helm

He winked and blew her a kiss

All was well in her world

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59 thoughts on “THE MAN IN THE BRETON SHIRT

      1. It was great thanks, Mike, unexpectedly so, and, yes, I am so thrilled about the real book aspect of the whole thing! Hope you all had a grand day.

      1. We did thank you! Although I do rather like the odd clashes we have because they always end in a laugh – without her I’d have nothing to write about. I only wish she’d blog for she is far funnier than I could ever be.

      2. ☺😅thats a first I heard a husband say his woman is funnier than him.You are funny.You are lucky.
        You know how they say Opposites attract.I agree. Without a little marital life must be boring…
        Convince her to.I would like to read what she has to offer!☺

      3. I have tried to convince her many times – I need her to capture her own brand of lunacy and write it down – she should be able to do this as she has a better command of the English language than I and is much, much better read than me! I shall try once more…you never know!

    1. I am more or less back! I have that lunacy about me again – thought it had been lost. Just have to write bonkers things now while it stays for a bit – I hope! Trust you had a good Christmas.

      1. Mike…..the thing is, that lunacy is in the bones. Now and then something gets in the way. Sort of fine, obscuring tissue paper. But tissue paper is all it is. The gleam is always there.

      2. I’m thinking kitchen towel tissue paper here as opposed to…well! Fine metaphor for day to day things getting in the way though – was it a hamster who imparted said allegory?

      3. I’m sure I’ve got a box of hamsters somewhere…or is it a floorboard I hear squeaking! She’s bubble wrapping the Christmas Tree presently; she did ask me to undertake the task yet when she spotted I hadn’t condensed said tree pre the bubble wrapping she called me a twat and took me off the job…where’s the fairness in that!

  1. Superb piece, Mike. Welcome back. Hope Boxing Day is going well. Here, in America, we use Boxing Day as a day to box up our tired relatives and send them to Briton for you all to deal with. 🙂 Ho! Ho! Ho! Happy Boxing Day!

    1. Did you know – I guess you do – ‘Boxing Day’ stems from the Kings, Queens, Lords and Masters of this so called once ‘great’ (when once ‘powerful’ would have been a better choice) nation of ours handing hands small gifts in boxes to their staff below stairs thus ensuring the continued class system! Should have told them to stuff the boxes up their arses then today would have been known worldwide as Arse Day!

  2. what a magnificent return you have made – this hit me in many ways, not least of which was in my memories of living in a two wheelchair family – welcome back – trust the household move went as planned

    1. Believe it or not I have merely succumbed to my wife’s desire to be fully prepared to move rather than the actual move which is still just a few weeks away. As mean as I don’t know what for she refuses to pay the removal men to pack notwithstanding the fact that the difference in costings is minimal. I blame it on her father who was always the last man to buy a round of drinks back in the day!

      1. That’s great timing. (Not the tardy part, but the overall due date for now.) That will make the holidays even more special, always, Mike. You keep up the great work, too, Sir!

      1. He’s just got a first class degree in Music Technology and plays pretty much anything but mainly guitar and keyboards plus electronic ‘things’ and makes sound art. Also a fine composer of lyrics/melody. He works in all genres.

    1. The stunningly beautiful Montreuil-sur-mer in Northern France has a cobbled town square where once I noticed a group of disabled teenagers struggling to get around – maybe that was the trigger! Regardless thank you as ever for reading and I do trust you had the finest Christmas and I also await your New Year posts with great interest. Cheers, Mike

    1. Thanks for that Alesia – I’ve have just followed your blog! I trust you know what you’ve let yourself in for here as I am entirely ‘bonkers’! Best of luck and have a stupendous New Year, Mike

    1. I suppose it is really – the odd thing about this one is that I wasn’t sure about posting it in the first place yet it seems it has become by far and away the most ‘liked’ thing I’ve written! I wish I could understand the vagaries of this writing malarkey!

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