“Sir if I were you I wouldn’t park a camel there.”

“And you are?”

“Sherif Ali, parking warden for the Mile End Road district of the London Borough of Tower Hamlets and as I just said I wouldn’t park a camel there in that street side parking bay you have chosen. I note that as yet you have not inserted any coins of the realm within the parking metre and it is thus if you heed my words good fortune will have smiled upon you.”

“Don’t you know who I am for I am none other than Thomas Edward Lawrence known to one and all as the legendary ‘Lawrence of Tower Hamlets’ and I need to park up the old camel in order that I can pop into the Poundland Store just up the road and make purchase of a new pistol – a Colt Model 1911 in .45 calibre as it happens – as shortly I shall be taking on the troublesome Ottomans of the Royal Borough of Greenwich. All a bit hush-hush so best you keep that last bit to yourself Sherif Ali. I feel sure I can trust you.”

“You have my word much fabled one yet the thing is that I see you intend to park your camel…what’s his name by the way?”

“Jedha and a more splendid beast you’d be unlikely to find.”

“Well I would not park Jedha directly outside Harry the Turks Takeaway Kebab Shop for knowing him as I do I am of the considered opinion he’d be out here the instant you were out of sight, sabre in hand to dispatch the poor thing quicker than you could say Mohammed Ali and Jedha would be on that vertical rotisserie of his only to be served up to locals and tourists alike as a doner kebab.”

“Well thank you Sherif for the heads up on that one – much appreciated.”

“No need to thank me legendary one. Only last week my youngest left his pet hamster in a box outside Harry’s place just here for no more than a couple of minutes while he spent his pocket money on gobstoppers from a market trader and when he returned that rodent had a skewer up his arse and was roasting away a treat – indeed my son tells me Harry had a pitta bread in his hand at the ready within which to serve Eric (that was the hamsters name) up to a drunken punter.”

“Did he by Jove the swine! Anyway where do you recommend I park the camel then? I see there’s a space outside the tailors just up the street a little. Is that safe?”

“No, no, no, no Mr Lawrence of Tower Hamlets. A camel would afford too much temptation to a tailor. Just think ‘camel hair coat’ and you’ll get my drift.” 

“Crumbs! What about outside the church on the other side of the road then?”

“Not there…never in a million years there. I know the vicar and he heralds from the Welsh mountains and just the other day he made mention to me that he so misses the love of a good sheep. Given that there are no sheep in Tower Hamlets I do believe the temptation of a camel would engulf him and he’d likely force himself upon the beast taking him unawares.”

“I certainly can’t have Jedha interfered with by a Welsh vicar, so…um…um…over there then, in front of the greengrocers.  No on second thought Jedha would probably scoff the entire stock save perhaps for the lemons. He’s never been that partial to lemons you know. I say the mosque just up from here always has spaces I’ll park up there.”

“I would not recommend that Mr Lawrence for the camel, being a rare thing in these parts the temptation of those congregating for morning prayers to recall and reminisce the old ways of things I feel sure that an appetite for a nostalgic manifestation would overwhelm them and that they would use Jedha to fashion a camel train and you’d never see him or them again.”

“Hell and damnation I’m plainly in a bit of a fix then. Do you think the place by the local branch office of the UKIP far right political party – I feel sure you are familiar with – is safe enough for a camel to be tethered?”

“I think I can safely say Mr Lawrence that park there and by the time you return to your camel he will already be ensconced within the bowels of a P&O Ferry out of Dover as they deport from this great nation of ours anything that has a foreign look about it – and you don’t get much more foreign looking than being a camel in Tower Hamlets!”

“So basically Sherif you’re saying I’m fucked then?”

“Not really Mr Lawrence for if you allow me  – and it is coming up to my lunch break – I’ll ride Jedha over to the park and he can nosh upon the long grass there and have a bit of a relax. We will, of course return within the hour. How does that sound?”

“Spiffing idea…thank you my friend.”



      1. Wives, and husbands, can be the best critics. Or the worst, depending on the day of the week. My husband doesn’t read my blog, he just provides 90% of my inspiration. He says he doesn’t want to become too full of himself–like he isn’t already. 🙂

      2. As a chap ever on the cusp of dyslexia the missus has to read all that I write (just in case). Like your husband my Shirl is, more often than not my inspiration. I suggest that is a good thing indeed. We clearly share the same good fortune.

    1. Cheers. Funnily enough this started out as Belgravia yet what with it being a posh area with mainly West African traffic wardens I couldn’t make the skit work. It was thus that I shifted my attention to the East End where churches, mosques and all things multicultural are to be found in shed loads.

  1. Harry the Turk’s doner kebabs always seemed a bit too chewy. Now I know why.

    As for UKIP’s policy on camel deportation, I am all for it. Once a camel gets its nose in the door, pretty soon you will be overrun with sloths. We can’t have sloths, now can we?

    1. Oh the UKIP they make Ms Palin look like a soft bellied lefty! If it’s not white and speaking the Queen’s English they propose to have it deported.
      For the last dozen years I’ve been veggie yet I have a regret from the old days – you see I’ll now never know what a doner kebab taste like sober. It is my one regret in life!

      1. I am shocked, Mike! How could a party with such a cheery name as UKIP!! be so sinister?

        Conservative, Labour, egads how boring!! Aside from the effervescent name of UKIP, the only other fun party name I see on the UK roster is the RESPECT Party. I bet I know what their theme song is…. (cue Aretha Franklin).

        Sadly, we in the U.S. only have two parties. (we don’t let the unpopular kids eat at our table). So to make things lively, we run silly candidates.

    2. We do have – for about the last 30-35 years The Raving Monster Loony Party (true). And Respect is run by a bloke with a good socialist heart who gets things wrong like befriending Sadam back in the day. The worry in Europe is (save for Greece) the far right is on the move again…not a good thing!

  2. Chuckle, chuckle, chuckle! Each excuse cracked me up more than the one before! At least until I got to UKIP and didn’t know what that meant. I hope Lawrence of Tower Hamlets will be a repeat performer? 🙂

    1. Oh the UKIP are our Sarah Palin tribute party – i.e. if you’re not white and speak the Queens English then you must be deported. Evil bastards they are. Not sure if Lawrence could be a regular although I really would like a new idiot and get back to writing around a template again. I miss old Jonny Catapault yet I did him to death!

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