He always wore a string vest and Y-Fronts

Had a passion for woollen brown socks

Had a beer belly and was unshaven

Yet when home alone preferred frocks


A string of pearls and suspenders

High heels and panties so white

Rouge lips and a Parisian perfume

And a little black dress oh so tight


He’d check out his look in the mirror

And blow himself kisses so sweet

Then don his blond wig and hairspray it

Nod a nod of approval then say ‘Neat’


Of a night-time he’d seek out a red light

Or hang around in dimly lit bars

Yet despite a wealth of invitations

Refused to climb into gentlemen’s cars


I know him; after all he is our vicar

His parish is spread far and wide

It is back to string vests Sunday mornings

So that his assembled flock can abide


With him as he belts out his sermons

And a parable of universal truth

Never once letting on to his punters

That his preference is to be called Ruth


Rather than his birth name of Derek

A handle he has come to hate

But in his heart he knows that as a transvestite

He needs to shift shed loads of weight


I hear you ask how is it I know this

It is thus that I shall clarify

You see I’m the village policeman

And it was upon Vicar Derek that I did spy


Prior to arresting him for nuisance

And after receiving many complaints

Of a rather large lady of the night

Out singing the praises of saints


After an interview back at the station

I let Vicar Derek (I called him Ruth)

Off with just a firm Caution

And that’s the God’s honest truth


Because Derek or Ruth as it maybe

Is a harmless do-gooder that’s all

Yet we keep it as our little secret

For I’ve no desire to see him/her fall


Out of grace with the bishop

The most miserable sod that there is

And if Maisie the organist found out

She’d get herself in all of a tis




    1. I really don’t think I should have been listening to The Who ‘Dedicated Follower of Fashion’ whilst on the cross trainer this AM as I spotted the vicar walk by the house

    1. Cheers. I rather think a vicar in a string vest might just catch on! My mum got me a string vest when I was a kid – made me wear it to school under a 100% nylon drip-dry shirt. Whenever the weather warmed up a tad I used to collapse in a crumpled heap. She died never knowing what she’d done to me!

  1. ..Prior to arresting him for nuisance
    And after receiving many complaints
    Of a rather large lady of the night
    Out singing the praises of saints..

    This is hilarious!!! Love the image!!!!
    Blue boys got the vicar!

      1. I bet you could hear him singing in your head right now! Funny you got Kumbayah (for some reason I’m associating it with the Boy Scouts) and Marissa’s got the ever-ready Girl Scout theme.. Great minds think alike!

  2. Oh how I laughed! I am so glad I never wear mascara, Brilliant! It got me wondering how true this may be of many a vicar…I also laughed heartily at your explanation of your inspiration for this poem. The Who – one of my all time favourite bands together with the Sex Pistols, The Rolling Stones, Mud Honey and P.I.L And then I laughed some more about you collapsing in a crumpled heap because your mother was torturing you unintentionally. Well, this certainly was the best part of my day!

      1. You must be kidding me?! Leonard Cohen would have bee my god had I not been an atheist. I do not class it under music though. To me it is the most sublime poetry set to music – the music being secondary to me. The man is an absolute genius (which is an understatement but I can’t seem to find a more appropriate word just now) “In My Secret Life” “Here It Is” “Love Itself” and “Alexandra Leaving” are holy to me. I do not think there is a single track on the Ten New Songs album that does not transport me to another, more perfectly imperfect inner universe. I do not think I would have ever felt compelled to start writing if it was not for my admiration of Leonard Cohen. You, Sir, have impeccable taste! I am sure your Shirley will agree

      2. I have everything he’s ever done. Even now he writes splendidly – The Old Ideas album with Going Home and Crazy to Love You is exceptional. Albeit weird the books Beautiful Losers and Flowers for Hitler inspire. Have you heard of Billy Bragg?

      3. Yes indeed! The best and most enjoyable social commentary delivered in the most adorable accent ever. I particularly like his opinion that nothing should clash with the sunset 🙂 Every time there is a parliament sitting in this country of mine I think of ‘Ideology’ Billy always manages to rile me up in a good way

      4. Good – not many know of him. In terms of lyrics I have always been rather taken that nothing is sacred with his writing. The lyrics to Little Time Bomb for example display just what a free thinking writer can get away with – plus he’s an old socialist like me…that helps as well!

      5. My husband, who owned everything Billy Bragg, introduced me to him. My Chris was one of the original Punks in South Africa – also a socialist, anarchist and atheist. He still sometimes threatens to run for President and then play Robin Hood with the Fat Cats’ treasures. I won’t tell him his getting too old for that stuff. I just say: “Yes, Dear”

      6. “Yes Dear” – Shirley, my wife’s favourite phrase when talking with me! Each and every time I mention my cunning plan for world domination she says that!

  3. Yes, that Maisie, we should really just get rid of her. She’s taking this whole transvestite thing to far and rather ruining it for the church goers who are not falling asleep in the pew for the first time!

      1. I haven’t in several months. Last I heard from him he said he and some friends were working on a new project of some sort. He’s kinda faded away. I really like his stuff. I hope he returns.

    1. I saw Benny being interviewed once. The interviewer was trying to put him on the spot claiming he was making a living out of telling ‘dirty’ jokes. His riposte being that he had never once told such a joke and that any ‘dirtiness’ was only in the mind of the listener if they chose to hear it that way

  4. Oh, my gosh, this was hilarious! You seriously had me laughing out loud so hard that Jeremy and Michelle had to ask what was wrong with me. Then I was laughing to hard to read it to them, and it made me snort! LOL! Great work! 😀

  5. Though never a cop, I worked thirty years in law enforcement.

    Part of my job was to go for periodic ride-alongs. I remember my first ride, the old cops saying, let me show you a few things. I gained a lot of respect for cops that night, mainly because of the charity he showed to people who could use a little understanding.

    1. The world over people complain about the police…out of order in my book. Save for dictatorship nations all these guys are doing is trying to keep the streets safe and crime down yet here certainly if the slightest thing goes wrong the ‘blame culture’ kicks in. I have a policeman son in London by the way…a good lad

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