Camelot; Dark Ages – quite a long time ago: Celtic King Arthur and his much fabled Knights of the Round Table are about to set forth to fight with the Saxons in what will, with the passage of time come to be known as the Battle of Mount Baldon. However, putting the chivalry bit aside for once Arthur is a tad worried that Sir Lancelot, his best friend and most accomplished ally in combat has cried off claiming he has a mild fever about him. You see rumours abound in Camelot that Queen Guinevere has taken something of a shine to the handsome Frenchman who has a reputation for living up to the ribald nuances of the handle gifted him through lineage, namely ‘Lancelot’.  Albeit a tad extreme Arthur has concluded he should play it safe and call in a locksmith to fit upon the chastity belt that has been knocking around the castle for an age now a brand new ‘smart lock’. A device that takes its instructions to ‘lock and unlock’ using a cryptographic key and wireless protocol sanctioned from his IPhone6 and thereafter have it fitted to his ‘Gwen’. Arthur’s problem however is that all of the local locksmiths have been drafted into his army leaving him with but one option namely Denzil Keys, an apprentice locksmith and none too bright a lad – some would say insane! Additionally Gwen has the raving hump being treated thus.

Gwen: “Sexist pig.”

Arthur: “Now, now Gwen I’m just taking sensible precautions. I mean what if a swarthy enemy type personage should breach the castle walls while I am away and in doing so should attempt to ravish you somewhat…you really do have to see this affixing of a chastity belt about your very person is for your own protection.”

Gwen: “Bollocks it is…I know you all too well matey-boy. You think I’m about to let Lance get his leg across don’t you? And as for……..”

Arthur: “Pray the Lord he hasn’t already.”

Gwen: “What did you just say?”

Arthur: “Nothing dear…really it was nothing. Anyhow it is for your own good and that’s my final word on the subject. Regardless the chaps are all gathered outside ready for the off and it would be rude of me to keep them waiting any longer so I best be away. A goodbye kiss perhaps?”

Gwen: “Stuff me you’ve got more front than Caernarfon Castle. A ‘kiss’ a bloody ‘kiss’ you’ve not a snowballs chance in hell of one sunshine.”

Arthur: “Have it your way then.”

Gwen: “Really, you mean that?”

Arthur: “What?”

Gwen: “Oh I just misunderstood…naught really.”

Arthur: “Well then I can but leave you in the capable hands of Denzil here. He will fit said chastity belt directly won’t you Denzil?”

Denzil: “You do ‘ave uz word Sire, it shall be done like the second as you ‘ave left.”


Gwen: “Must you dribble Denzil?”

Denzil: “Can’t ‘elp it your Queenship for uz ‘ave dribbled since birth…more so since uz testosterone charged halcyon days of wot the zider maker called my late adolescence left uz with the curse of salivation when about womenfolk of all ages, shapes and sizes. Just can’t ‘elp uzself uz can’t.”

Gwen: “Have you no wife then Denzil?”

Denzil: “Uz! A wife! There’s not a maid in the land who would take pity on the likes of uz let alone marry uz…uz dribbling has caused any potential romantic encounters to perish in an instant. Still uz gets by since the day uz finally chucked them there boxing gloves away…any how’s uz must get on fixing this new lock thing to the chastity belt mustn’t uz.”

Gwen: “If you must.”

Denzil: “As it so ‘appens your Queenship and uz do ‘ope you don’t mind uz asking like but what exactly is this chastity belt thing wot uz is putting a lock on and which his Kingship doth say I ‘ave to affix like to your nether regions?”

Gwen: “What you mean you don’t know what a chastity belt is?  Heavens above, that’s a blinding stroke of luck in my book.”

Denzil: “Not a clue Queenship.”

Gwen: “Well Denzil a chastity belt is not unlike a knight’s armour. Tell you what, just imagine this scenario…say some Saxon swine have overrun Camelot while Arthur is away and they are minded to defile me or such like all I have to do to thwart them is to simply trip the switch on the lock you have now fitted and they’ll be thwarted in their endeavours! Simples really!”

Denzil: “Well uz be blowed so to speak…uz never heard of such a thing. There be many a clever bastard around. If only uz ‘ad more brain cells uz could invent things like that. So all I ‘ave to do is fit this ‘ere chastity belt and you’ll see to locking it up should the need come about?”

Gwen: “That’s about the strength of it Denzil. Now all you have to do is to slip it me from behind and that’ll be job done.”

Denzil: “Oh your Queenship don’t talk like that for uz is now dribbling like uz don’t know what…any hows do this be a good fit like as in is it comfortable for ‘ee?”

Gwen: “Certainly is spot on Denzil. You can be off about your business now and don’t leave a trail of dribble in your wake.”

Denzil: “Glad your ‘appy with what uz ‘as done Queenship duly affixed with unlocked chastity belt as you is. Uz’ll be off then.”


Gwen (talking to herself): “What a result that was! Now all I have to do is send Lance a swift text letting him know the coast is clear for a bit a hanky panky ce soir…right, text sent…this day just gets better and better, now I’ll just take this ridiculous contraption off” – RESOUNDING ‘CLICK’ NOISE – “Botheration, I just flicked the lock switch by accident! Bollocks, bollocks and thrice bollocks!”




    1. Thank you young Ms Goodwitch…I just had Denzil round to change the locks in this new house we’ve purchased yet now find my missus padlocked to a fir tree out the back with rabid hounds circling her…moreover I can’t find the padlock key and Denzil has now got his mobile switched off! Terrible business.

      1. How on earth did you know we kept a mad genius in the cellar…thought that was a well kept secret. At least he has the man from British Gas as company now…they may even become best friends

  1. NEXT SCENE [How internet addiction came to be]

    Lancelot: But Gwen, doesn’t the thing come with an instruction manual?

    Gwen: Not a printed one, but try YouTube, they got howto’s on everything.

    Lancelot: Great idea, I’ll just..[click, click]…….Ooooooooooh…….

    Gwen: Lance? Lance?

    Lancelot: Ooooooooooh……. 🙂

    1. What a blindingly good idea – wish I’d thought of that…more so as my wife has just been trying to work out how to put together a flat packed wardrobe using YouTube! What a twat I am!

      1. Funnily enough not IKEA but something similar…she tells me 2 crucial parts are not in the box and as I write she is on the telephone being rather rude to a monotone voice gal who seemingly doesn’t care a jot about our plight!

    1. ‘Clamp’ young Marissa…clamp on, clamp off is a little less tabloid in construction. I can see I’ll have to words with the Mother Superior about you yet again!

      1. Clamp sounds even more severe. Now Mike, just to clarify, it was actually The Clap I was referring to, hence avoiding it’s use when referring to private parts. But as for Mother Superior, you can tell her to go jump the gun!!

      2. Are you suggesting a legendary Queen of this nation of mine was afflicted with The Clap! Well I never…you Americans know no boundaries when it comes to insulting us Brits…such is the way of a former colony

      3. I was just hoping her delicate sensibilities wouldn’t be offended at the very mention of the word. Of course, she’d have to be a bit thick skinned after reading your account of her Iron Maiden!!

      1. I know what you mean… I’ve been so busy lately, I’ve been stressed about writing and blogging, yet I can’t stop thinking about them. Just take care of your house first, then you can relax and write all you want. 🙂

      2. All I can write presently is ‘doom and gloom’ for some obscure reason. Can’t get this old head around ‘funny’…don’t think our British weather is helping that much either!

      3. Not the black dog – just being disorganized I think. Can’t be helped but I like things in logical places and boy do I hate spending loads of money on things I can’t see a result for! And today it is overcast, drizzling with another Atlantic storm coming in..still I am typing at my new computer!

      1. I have a wardrobe at last…no more living out of boxes! The first flat pack wardrobe came with missing parts…Shirley got them to send replacement parts but they sent the wrong ones so we told them to stuff their order; collect the pile of wood (because that effectively was what it was) and refund us and that is now happening. We were then in a furniture shop and spotted a ready made wardrobe that was rather nice so purchased that. Problem was they couldn’t get it up the stairs so Shirley had to take it apart and rebuild it in the bedroom – it took the best part of a day yet was successful! So yes young Rachel things are looking up.

      1. Did you know young Rachel that the room George wanted his studio in was on where we have had our bloke remove both loo and hand basin yet he has now changed his plans and wants it as his guest come instrument storage room and now wants both loo and hand basin put back – except new ones! Bollocks I say!

    1. I’ve done a few Arthurian legends over the time I’ve been blogging…quite fun to write. The concept of chivalry blended with ones best mate having an affair with his wife is superb material in terms of skits

  2. Hello,
    I teach Medieval Times to 7th graders. I also love the story of Gweneviere and King Arthur and Lanceleot. Camelot is one of my favorite all-time musicals. I know many of the songs. I didn’t like how she cheated on her husband, though.
    Thank you for coming over and visiting my site Reflections today and liking my post “9 Ways to Avoid Gambling…:”
    Nice to meet you.

    1. Cheers…I have taken many a liberty with legends and sometimes history itself…rather enjoy knocking out my old toot…keeps me vaguely sane you see! Have the most splendid day. Yours, the Old Fool

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