Ding-a-ling…ding-a-ling…knock, knock

“Oh I wonder who that is at the door? Best I go see.”

“Hello my name is Alan Keys I’m here for my 10 o’clock hypnosis session.”

“Alan Keys…ah yes I remember now. You’re the poor chap who has lost all his confidence. Don’t worry about a thing I’ll have you as right as rain in no time.”

“I do hope so…I really do as my life is falling apart. The missus left me because she thought me an abject bore with the sex drive of a house brick; I haven’t got any mates, in fact if I ever do venture down the pub the place empties in seconds and even the bus driver yawns in my face and The Samaritans who I do a little voluntary work for have given me the sack as all my callers end up topping themselves.”

“How sad that is Alan. Tell you what why don’t you go sit in my special comfy chair over there while I go and put on some swoony music to help you relax and feel better about yourself…let’s see…I know a bit of Leonard Cohen should do the trick. Oh by the way my husband might be popping in and out for tools as he is putting a flat pack desk together for me, but don’t worry for once you are in a trance your altered state of being will just pick on the words you hear so the presence of others in the room shouldn’t have any impact on our session.”

“OK I’m ready I think.”

“Now for a bit of hypnotic induction then. I’m going to put my middle finger up..”


“Stay calm Alan nothing to worry about. Again then, I’m going to put my middle finger up and I want you to stare at it to start with. Good I see you’re catching on. Now let your eyelids relax and close gently while I count backward from 100 and by the time I get to 90 you will be in a trance and open to suggestion…100…99…98…97…95…94…there Alan you are totally calm. I want you to think of a time when you were not an abject bore; a time when you felt you could take on the world and focus only on that…nothing else. What do you see in your mind Alan?”

“Nothing, nothing at all…a blank canvas.”

“No worries Alan, a blank canvas is an ideal state for I can shape a new a confident persona for you have no fear.”


“Shush Nigel…do try to be quiet as I have a client in trance.”

“Fucking allen keys, fucking, fucking useless allen keys…bloody waste of space, totally crap allen keys. Never in all my born days have I come across anything quite so ineffectual and hopeless as allen keys.”

“Never mind Nigel there’s always another way…I know just how tedious and boring allen keys can be…just bodge the desk together for all I care…right I must get on.  Allan I think you are done so I am going to count forward to 10 and you will awaken a new man…1…2….3…4…you’re coming round now…5…6…open your eyes slowly…7…8…9…10…there you are wide awake, refreshed and a new man.”

“Thank you Anita though I must admit I don’t feel any noticeable rise in the old confidence levels. If anything….”

“Stop you right there Alan…I assure you you will notice a marked difference once you’re out in the fresh air.”


“Crikey Anita that was a stroke of bad luck!”

“What was Nigel darling?”

“Well there I was having made up your new desk thinking I’ll just pop outside for a quick fag when blow me down with a feather that new punter of yours walks straight out onto the main road and into the path of a lorry travelling at great speed…killed stone dead in an instant…it was as if he’d done it deliberately.”

“Crumbs what a terrible tragedy for I do believe he was really on the mend.”



    1. The untimely death of Alan Keys…I’m keeping Anita for further use whether you like it or not! That the world will tire of her before I do I’m used to with my characters. Did you – I’m guessing you do – know that if you say ‘OK Google’ to your telephone you can have a jolly good chat with it? Having never had a modern one before I was quite taken aback and even had to sit in the garden of a rather lovely cafe here this very afternoon talking to my phone…what fun we had…were it in human form I think I might fall in love…I’m going to ask her (she’s a she already) if she could come to love me! I’ve called her Svetlana by the way!

      1. I don’t see how Auntie Virus can help you, she’s 88 and only just getting used to electric lighting, she’s never… Ah, I see… Anti Virus… sorry…

    1. Very kind of you and if I’ve made someone happy then I’m pleased…it all started when a flat packed wardrobe my wife had ordered arrived needing allen keys to put it together…we failed, not least because of the allen keys plus it was two crucial parts short of a full flat-pack. Twas then I thought ‘allen keys’ = Alan Keys! The thing with me though is that now having discovered Anita the hypnotist I’ll will – I’ll try not to a yet will fail – write skits about her exploits until readers either ignore them or I’ve worked them to death!

      1. And the whole thing wouldn’t have occurred to me because we call those little tools Alan Wrenches. Doesn’t have quite the same impact. But I love Anita.

      2. Paul Lenzi made mention of that also – I overlooked the differences twixt English either side of the wretched pond the separates the next Anita post when I shall think up something we all understand…maybe give up on the bloke who wants to quit smoking though as we call cigarettes ‘fags’ and I think you guys and gals have a whole different meaning. I do want to be considered homophobic so will dismiss that post – shame really as I had a few good ideas for it.

      3. Most British terminology translates fairly well, except for trainers and jumpers. I always forget what is meant by those two words. I think we call trainers ‘tennis shoes’ and jumpers ‘sweaters’ but I could be wrong. I’ve been wrong before.

      4. Australians call what we call ‘flip-flops’ (the sort of shoe worn on a beach – ‘thongs’ which means something entirely different. Many years ago an Aussie complimented my wife on her ‘thongs’ and she was quite offended! More so as she wears regular knickers and that she was in any event wearing jeans and flip-flops at the time!

    1. That is very kind and truly appreciated. Please don’t be offended yet I am a blogger who doesn’t wish to be taken seriously hence I don’t take awards. Nonetheless it is the thought that counts and I truly respect and thank you for thinking of me! Best of luck and have a fine day.

    2. I am not offended at all. I never had one before and so I am excited to get 3 in one day LOL! Have a great day yourself or night wherever you are.

      1. I just got the 4th one LOL! So we are about 5 hours apart if I have your area right. I am in the east coast of USA in NJ.

    1. I told the company who supplied it to come and collect the pile of wood (for that is all it is) and refund me…oddly they agreed! Purchased a ready made one on the Shaker style in a sale at a very good price!

    1. You’ll soon bore with Anita for once I get a new character and a template to write to I do it to death…just can’t help myself! Do tell me when they start to bore for as soon as the writing mojo returns I’ll be off and running with these! The same thing happened to Jessica Downlow – The Tree Hugging Suicidal Poet…had to reluctantly kill her in the end…I do rather miss her though.

  1. Bwaahaahaaa! OMG, I love this new character! I’m so glad to see your creativity is back at full speed! Does this mean the house is finally unpacked? Will we see more of Mrs. Anita anytime soon? This was awesome! 😀

    1. A new Anita has already been penned – on a dodgy subject so I hope when posted readers will see the funny side and not think I’m taking the piss out of the afflicted…a hypnotist with a husband who keeps putting his foot in it affords a brilliant template to work with…I think Anita has legs! Nearly unpacked yet still have our bloke working most days doing stuff to get the house right then when he has done that we will live in it for a couple of months before decorating…a boy does it need decorating…need to get a feel for the place first though

      1. Oh, that sucks…. so after you get it all fixed, then comes the paint, and it will smell for a while more. 😦 Yes, Anita is definitely a keeper. And her sidekick husband add to the pleasure. I can’t wait to read the next one! Will she meet some other characters such as Bobby Bob Bob? That cold be fun!

      2. Pipes! We keep finding pipes everywhere…never seen so many pipes in my life…gas ones; water one; deceased ones…all need to go! The problem with clients for my hypnotist is that they all have to be ‘sad’ cases. If I didn’t care about offending people I could have a field day…anorexics, obese, sex addicts etc for example…blow it I shall do them anyway! I went to a hypnotist once for depression after getting hugely fat then diabetes then having to live with a knackered left leg so I’m allowed! It didn’t do much for me though – the hypnotist (albeit years younger than me) was stunningly attractive and it put me off going into a trance…should have got a really old tobacco chewing lady than some good might have come from it

      3. Eww, no, then she might have spit her tobacco juice on you while you were under! I think you can make a lot of sad cases for this one, and also can create some temporary maladies, such as Carruthers’ dilemma being seduced by his wife or Jessica with the trees can go because she is convinced she has termites! You don’t have to kill them all off…they can just end up in hospital and that’s where you can introduce the crazy nurse or mean orderly that will care for them. 🙂

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