sherlock 2

“Well Dr Watson what do you make of this?”

“Ah Inspector Lestrade you’re here at last.   Well in my estimation what we have is most likely the naked torso of what I hazard a guess to be that of an adult female and from the skin pigmentation I would proffer the opinion that she is of European descent.”

“How do you fathom that Dr Watson? I mean this torso has no brace of wobbly bits, a hairy chest and it is plain to the eye that the skin colour is black, plus…and I think you’ll discover that this is the clincher…it has both meat and two veg!”

“Look Lestrade I’m the physician here…indeed what do you know about the human anatomy? Any way have your people recovered the head and limbs yet, for that may assist in my ability to provide you with something more categorical.”

“Yes we do as it happens…Sergeant Dolt bring over the hessian sack containing the severed body parts and the bloodied hacksaw would you.”

“Certainly Sir…here, I’ll hold it open for you.”

“What then do you make of this Dr Watson?”

“Crikey, from the skull I’d say the facial features are East Asian, the left arm…um…um…likely West African as is the right leg also and as to the right arm and the left leg, well they are certainly North European.”

“They look all black to me.”

“Shows just how little you know Lestrade.”

“OK then Dr Watson we’ll put ethnicity issue aside for one moment. I think we’re both agreed this is a case of murder yet can you give me a clue as to methodology as in the cause of death?”

“Bit of a doddle that one is for I am 100% positive the underlying causation is that of poisoning…yes I can be specific in that regard.”

“Hell’s bells!  Dr Watson if this is a case of poisoning how is it that the extremities are no longer affixed to the body…tell me that clever clogs?”

“Look there is no need for an autopsy to ascertain that silly little question for it is clear that the ‘extremities’ as you so succinctly call them have simply fallen off…it’s not uncommon with poisonings dimwit.”

“Don’t you call me a dimwit you know-nothing quack.”

“Holmes, Holmes do you hear this Inspector Lestrade is being beastly to me again…he’s always being beastly to me…tell him off or something.”

“Well Dr Watson I’m all for having Holmes sort this little confab out…Sherlock we have here a mutilated body, a bloodied hacksaw and your cohort ‘quacko’ Watson has the front to say it is a case of murder by way of poisoning?  A bit of your abductive reasoning certainly wouldn’t go amiss at this juncture. What’s your take on it Sherlock?”

“Fuck knows.”

“Oh for pity’s sake do at least give us a trademark ‘Elementary dear Watson.”

“Fuck off.”



  1. It seems Watson needs to get himself a lady friend so that he can study some anatomy, poor man! I think Sherlock and I are having equally bad days in the ‘office’ and it is very pleasing to see that Holmes has a ‘darker side’

      1. I say it often, in the most sincere way of course, as I am often left without a clue as to ‘why’ or ‘how'(on any given question that concerns the why or how of anything)

    1. Double entendre in the last sentence young Marissa…I’m afraid I don’t allow those but will forgive you as likely you don’t have the same slang on your side of the pond!

      1. Best you don’t…innocence should always be protected in my book and what with you being as pure as the driven snow I’m not going to elaborate further

    1. I not sure about Watson on drugs yet never cease to be amazed that Holmes could ever befriend an idiot stooge…my wife is a great fan of the books – she even rereads – yet they never really done it for me because of that one inconsistency in the fiction. Shame really.

    1. Many thanks for that Sir and it is much appreciated…the thing is with me is that I don’t wish to be taken seriously and awards I believe fall into the serious category. That of course takes nothing away from your fine gesture which I genuinely appreciate so please don’t be offended and keep up your own unique writing…’tis far better than my old toot. Thanks again, Mike

  2. .Poor Holmes, the hazard of inventing a new field is not having decades of precedent to fall back on. It took fifty years for criminal science to evolve from Holmes’s “Fuck Knows” to Captain Renault’s “Round up the usual suspects”

  3. Ah! Holmes, Holmes! Glad to know he gets stumped too once in a while! Reminds me of that article I read on the paper. Headline: Always Wear Underwear!
    Well it was about this couple whose car broke down in a shopping center. Wife continued shopping while hubs worked on the car. Wife came back three hours later to find a crowd round the car with her hubs underneath the car working -with everything exposed! So the wifey stuffed it all back in his shorts. Then her hubs stepped out from the crowd saying, “What’d you do that for?”
    Needless to say, the mechanic had three stitches in his forehead.

    1. I did one of these ages ago…the same template where Holmes comes up with a ‘Fuck knows’…one of my favourite expressions given that I spend most of my life bewildered!

  4. Well that’s put me off bothering to read me “A Scandal in Bohemia” from the library… I’ll take it back and stick with Mikes instead – they are so much better!

  5. loved this !

    have to say, I’ve never been too fond of sherlock holmes – always struck me as a bit of a toffy-nosed prick (too high an opinion of his own abilities and a sneering, condescending manner to those he regarded as intellectually inferior to himself)

    the bugger would have got my toe up his arse if he talked to me like he did to Watson !

    1. ‘A toffee nosed prick’! Cameron when sacked after the election as the next TV Holmes? Cameron staying in office with Farage support will have me on the streets like back in Thatcher’s day.

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