THE NINCOMPOOP’S LAMENT

IDIOT

I stole my love’s heart in Vienna
Poached her false teeth in Zagreb
Yet rather than steal her high heels in Nice
I hid them under our bed

Once upon a blue moon
All her knickers I did nick in New York
Yet rather than thieve her suspenders in France
I posted them over to Cork

The day that I burst her implants
Was the day that it rained cats and dogs
It was thus that I grabbed her new McIntosh
And filled up the pockets with frogs

To me it was such a great wheeze
To bury her bikini in Timbuctoo
Her bra and suspenders in Neasden
Her sexy black stockings in Kathmandu

That she for some reason went off me
Is the one thing I can’t understand
For I took her all over this planet
From Paris to the Rio Grande

She said, “Darling you are such a tosser
Nicking all my things as you do
Yet I do believe I’d rather keep my kit on
Than be stuck with a complete twat like you”

“My dear where’s the fairness in that then?”
Was all I could think of to say
“For what will you do without me?”
And it was thus that she went on to say

“Because of you I’m flat chested
I can’t chew gum and have to walk with a stick
Also I now get soaked when it rains
Pray God tell me are you really that thick?”

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32 thoughts on “THE NINCOMPOOP’S LAMENT

    • Hold one there just a second young Marissa…me ‘thick’! I’ll have you know that Plato himself always gives me a call so that I can correct any and all of his forthcoming allegory’s…you’ll see, soon it will be The Allegory of the Wave…he wanted to run with Cave but I told him that would be crap! ‘Thick’ indeed!

      • I’ve mentioned it to others but did I ever tell you a schoolmaster once wrote ‘Moron’ on one of my reports – true that is! Imagine that in this day and age!

  1. Oh, goodness, I’m choking on cherry coke and it’s coming out my nose. Mike, you are so bad. Someone should throw a net over you and I think I need someone to help me breathe again. Snorting cherry coke out your nose hurts!

    • I think ‘snorting cherry coke out of you nose hurts, but it’s better than snorting coke the other way’ would make a fine poster to put up in an addiction clinic!

      • very true. Not sure I could snort coke on purpose. just as I couldn’t shoot up on purpose. Afraid I would make a really bad junkie — unless we’re talking about a junk food junkie. In that case, lead me to it.

      • Commercial central this day I detect, ‘Unless we’re talking about a junk food junkie. In that case, lead me to it’ – I reckon McDonald’s would pay you for that one!

  2. I thought this was a nice poem. Is this woman actually you? Were you trying to mirror this as My take on this: Woman has given everything freely to man. Later on, she felt as though he had ‘stolen’ all of her being. Could love be fading?

  3. Gracious is that picture something! Not half as much something as the poem though. Cheers Mike. You talented fellah you rattling that up. Love the line about the pockets and the frogs…

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