sherlock 3
A CASE FOR SHERLOCK HOLMES (still suffering from detective’s block)

“Inspector Lestrade really…I mean really…I cannot for the life of me understand why you have sent for Holmes and I…I mean honestly even your average intellectually challenged Peeler would take one look at this and determine that, without a shadow of a doubt this is a case of accidental death caused by nothing more than a fall.”

“How on earth do you work that one out then Dr Watson for in my view it has all the hallmarks of a dastardly murder?”

“Easy peasy you Doubting Thomas you! Plainly the poor old chap took a tumble climbing out of his bath tub and fell upon his ear trumpet which got stuck up his backside, a misfortune that no doubt startled the fellow giving rise to him springing up in horror whereupon he stumbled forward a few paces tripped on his bath mat falling forward thereafter onto the classic steel (Sheffield steel I would hazard a guess) carving knife which…look here…embedded itself in his heart giving rise to slow and agonizing death. A freak accident that’s all! You see once again Inspector Lestrade you have no need to instruct the coroner…indeed no need for Sherlock and me to even be out and about at this late hour. In short you are guilty, as ever of wasting our valuable time!”

“So then Dr Watson you’re trying to tell me the fact that this naked body with a…speaker end first…sweet Jesus that must have hurt…ear trumpet up his arse and a sheath knife…hear what I say…a sheath knife…through his heart is a simple accident in the home?”


“Well then clever clogs how comes the corpse is in a muddy ditch in the middle of fucking nowhere and…no doubt you missed this…penned in indelible ink on his right buttock are the words, ‘NEVER MESS WITH MORIARTY’…answer me that twatto…answer me that!”

“I miss nothing Inspector Lestrade. I imagine that he must have staggered about a bit trying to seek out an infirmary yet didn’t quite make it in time and as for the scribblings on his posterior that is but the childish prank of a passer-by, no doubt a drunken ruffian…nothing more, nothing less.”

“God give me strength! There’s not even a barn within twenty five miles of this ditch…not a barn I tell you let alone a hamlet…the closest town is fifty miles away. Your summation Watson is moronic.”

“Sherlock, Sherlock that Inspector Lestrade is being beastly to me again…Sherlock you hear me…tell him I’m right with my analysis Sherlock…I’m gagging for a bit of your abductive reasoning at this juncture…my very reputation is at stake…Sherlock what do you think.”

“Fuck knows.”

“No Sherlock no…don’t be vague…give him a swift ‘I deduce’…something like that, say what you really mean to say to this wretched Lestrade…guns blazing Sherlock…give him both barrels.”

“Fuck off.”




  1. A logical enough explanation if you ask me. And what a masterpiece of artwork!! You know, there used to be a band here in L.A. called Butt Trumpet. When I first saw this piece I immediately thought you should change Ear to Butt and do a rewrite, but then, after reading, I realized that there really wasn’t much that would need to be rewritten.

  2. Aha! The old Ear Trumpet Up The Posterior ploy, eh? (As Inspector Clouseau would, no doubt, say) – the bit about the speaker end first was particularly piquant (not to say painful), I thought! Made me laugh!

    1. Then if you laughed that is a good thing…hope your books are doing well by the way. Sadly I have not read a single book for at least 6 months (criminal I know) yet this blog writing seems to consume a little too much of my spare time these days!

      1. It is addictive – blogging, I mean; I spend far too long on it myself, Mike. The book thing is really weird: My on-the-ground local book signings have done well, but online has not taken off at all, not for any of them. I do find this frustrating and disappointing – but it is early days, I guess, and a huge, competitive market out there.
        I have reread a few Terry Pratchetts – but then I tend to reread those on a regular basis anyway; other than that, I confess I have read very little in recent months.

  3. Lol..I saw the title and thought yir missus had clouted yah! So of course I had to read on. I must say, I nevah knew Sherlock cussed. Great post Mike.. You always entertain me

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