Central Luxury Mansion, Ryongsong, Northern Pyongyang; Early Summer 2015: Kim Jong-un the Supreme Leader of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea is at home readying himself for a hearty breakfast in the company of his valued advisor Tyrone and servant girl Svetlana having a chat about this and that.

“Oi Tyrone mate you’ll never guess the dream I had last night.”

“What’s that then Kimmy boy?”

“Well I was visited in me dream by none other than…Svetlana luv you couldn’t fix me a tub of that old Elvis ‘last supper special’ could you, you know four scoops of ice cream and six chocolate chip cookies…oh a tub of peanut butter wouldn’t go amiss, you know a bit of roughage for me Chalfont’s and all that…where was I? Oh yes, me dream of last night…I was visited by none other than Vlad the Impaler.”

“Really…tell me more.”

“Cheers Svet…I like nothing better than a good old fashioned healthy breakfast like what this is to kick off me day you know luv…right I’m with you now Tyrone. As I was just saying there was me fast a kip chatting away with Vlad whereupon he put it to me that…in his view I stress…I’m getting it all wrong on the old execution front!”

“Bloody cheek of the man…hope you told him to piss right off!”

“I was going to Tyrone yet for whatever reason I hung in there and you know what?”

“No, what?”

“He spoke a lot of common sense…I mean he was the perpetrator of many an execution himself back in the day so it would be silly of me not to listen to what a past master had to say on the subject wouldn’t it?”

“How very true Kim.”

“Well Vlad’s experience in such matters has lead him to conclude that my current preferred style of totally obliterating the guilty party as in my now famous quote, ‘leave no trace of him behind, down to his hair,’ isn’t all that eco-friendly.”

“How so Kim?”

“You see first of all Vlad cited the example of what’s his name…you know the vice minister of the army who’d been on the hit and miss when he should have been in mourning for me old dad…that bloke, his name hardly matters now anyway…where I opted for the ‘stand on the spot you bastard and cop this mortar shell’ technique…also the slaying of the defence chief just the other week by anti-aircraft missile…a ZPU-4 to be precise…well I’ve had a few more taken out using this method if the truth be told simply don’t cut the mustard in terms of quality.”

“But Kimmy they were genius modes of despatch in my book.”

“Thanks for that Tyrone, that’s what I thought at the time yet Vlad told me to think of the wildlife…the birds to be specific. You see the way he sees it leaving a bit of carrion behind ensures that the crows, the ravens and…these are my very favourites mind…the vultures all get to have a good scoff on the deceased thus ensuring the survival of their species…nice touch I thought!”

“Bloody right it is. So it’s back to the old firing squad routine then…boring I know, like when you took out that singer bird you used to shag, ‘Hyon’ plus her entire Unhasu Orchestra entourage for wearing iffy short skirts using the tried and tested machine gun approach.”

“No Tyrone not the same style at all…Svet luv I could murder – so to speak – a bit of Pecan pie if you’d be so kind as to get us some…where was I? Right, Vlad tells me that to move forward on the execution front I need to look back at his own methodology namely ‘impaling’. He reckons whether it be a single or multiple execution the impaling of the victim with the body left thereafter on a spike for any and all dissidents and miscreants to cop a butchers at not only sends out a message that no one should mess with me but also means the adorable birdies can feed to their hearts content on the corpses…you have a little peck here, a little peck there as the fancy takes them.”

“How very, very clever…it even means that at the end of the day you stay true to your desire to ‘obliterate’ plus you’re doing the birdies a favour. You know I think you should run with that mate…nice one!”

“As it happens I thought we’d give it go today…oh cheers for that Svet…yes this very day we’ll do away with that military commander by way of impalement.”

“What that bloke who looked at you all funny like?”

“Self-same bastard Tyrone…I just had him sent down to the court to get found guilty of a dubious facial expression a minute ago as it happens so if you pop down Poundland for a spike…best get a gross while you’re at it, you can use me white transit van if you like, they should all fit in…we’re all sorted and ready for the kick off!”

“I’m on the case Kim. Catch up with you in a jiffy.”

“Svetlana…just the girl. Here luv rub this haemorrhoids cream in if you would…oh, and in case I forget could you stick a post-it note on the fridge to remind me to put the ‘bazooka to the temple’ idea on ice for now.”



      1. Glad to hear that he has learned to get along with those boys. He had quite a history with them back in the day but like they say, “birds of a feather..”

  1. Halfway through this I had to stop and pray for Svetlana. And that was before the hemorrhoid creme incident. She might be lookng forward a good impaling in the near future.

    1. True…he has recently executed a number of army officers for not feeding the troops sufficiently! It must be interesting being the only fat bloke in the nation…over here in the UK it’s getting hard to find a thin, or even a regular sized one (male or female)!

    1. Now you really mustn’t copy Elvis…being a fan is one thing yet taking it to ridiculous limits is quite another matter young lady – and I feel sure you don’t wish to cross over whilst sat upon the loo like poor Elvis. My granddad died that way as well I am told!

    1. I even researched this one young Marissa…the reasons for and the modes of execution and those executed are as reported! Not sure where I got Tyrone and Svetlana from though!

    1. Had the good fortune to catch up with Lenny on Facebook just the other day…he is busy with his new business and sadly won’t be blogging for a while. Seems to be doing very well.

      1. LOL! Svetlana’s passport must be quite full by now. That’s incredible about the executions! Are you afraid your government might have flagged your computer after such research? 😉

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