carruthers 2

“I say Carruthers it’s been so very long since we last did it I think I’ll need lubricant.” 

“Lou Bricant! Who the ruddy hell is Lou Bricant when he’s at home and why oh why Deidre would you need him…whomsoever the bastard is…am I not your husband…am I not capable of fulfilling even your more extravagant desires?” 

“What are you on about Carruthers? All I’m saying is that a little, or rather a lot I suppose, of lubricant in this thing of mine will, I just feel, will lessen the friction in this here delicate mechanism.  I mean it hasn’t been put to good use since the old King died has it?” 

“Don’t keep going on about that…you’re always badgering me to do that nasty thing and anyway it hasn’t been that long in my book…if you recall you made me do it the night we married and that was a mere 15 years ago I recall! Regardless I would feel most uncomfortable…less ‘manly’ if you like to have to do it again as a ménage et trois…you know, me, you and this blasted Lou Bricant fellow.” 

“For pity’s sake Carruthers you’ll be saying I can’t put that old vibrator to good use next.” 

“Crikey Deidre first you want us to do it with this Lou Bricant now you’re telling me you wish to invite another…a gal to boot…namely this aged one you speak of, Vi Brator around also…is there no end to your carnal perversions?  This is really all too much for me!” 

“Now look here Carruthers…listen and absorb what I have to say. Firstly that the revolving drum on that old cement mixer I inherited will not turn without lubricant. Secondly once we have laid the cement out as a base for our new patio we will need a concrete vibrator so that trapped air and excess water is released from the mix and the concrete settles firmly in place in the formwork.” 

“Oh dear, dear…I quite forgot we were laying a new patio today…what a relief! I mean I thought you were suggesting that dirty business of sexual intercourse in the company of others!” 

“I wish! No Carruthers…let’s take things one stage at a time…today is the day we start work on the patio!”



38 thoughts on “DEIDRE’S LUBRICANT!

      1. Ugly rumours…I deny the child was mine…do you understand young lady I shall sue for slander if this thing goes any further than these four walls! …where did I get four walls from?

      2. Bedlam it was…wouldn’t let me out until they had screwed my head back on and made me promise never to go near the convent ever again

    1. My head unscrews…just a little fine claret lubricant and I’m off and running…’tis a little cottage industry the wife runs in her spare time – mind she’s had no takers to date despite extensive advertising, mainly by way of writing upon the walls of public conveniences. Best of luck Sir!

  1. Blimey! Indeed, a relief! Patio work is what it is.
    Clever names. I was laughing so hard here in the train. One looked at me funny. Prolly thought I’d lost it.

      1. Me…a patio? She has painted the outside walls white and put upon them ‘hippie’ things from days of yore! You are right though…old houses cost a fortune to rid the state of disrepair and, of course ‘heat’!

      1. It rain last evening a the colouring from some of the weird fake floral arrangement on said wall ran staining her wall in the process! Strange the things that happen…she made me gather up broken tiles free from a builders merchant for a mosaic earlier…an old lady with a walking stick watched me from close range yet said nothing. Funny old business is living!

  2. BRILLIANT! This made me laugh so hard the other day when I read it (when I was not supposed to be reading such things) that I nearly got myself in trouble. BRAVO! ❤

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