“I say Carruthers it’s been so very long since we last did it I think I’ll need lubricant.”
“Lou Bricant! Who the ruddy hell is Lou Bricant when he’s at home and why oh why Deidre would you need him…whomsoever the bastard is…am I not your husband…am I not capable of fulfilling even your more extravagant desires?”
“What are you on about Carruthers? All I’m saying is that a little, or rather a lot I suppose, of lubricant in this thing of mine will, I just feel, will lessen the friction in this here delicate mechanism. I mean it hasn’t been put to good use since the old King died has it?”
“Don’t keep going on about that…you’re always badgering me to do that nasty thing and anyway it hasn’t been that long in my book…if you recall you made me do it the night we married and that was a mere 15 years ago I recall! Regardless I would feel most uncomfortable…less ‘manly’ if you like to have to do it again as a ménage et trois…you know, me, you and this blasted Lou Bricant fellow.”
“For pity’s sake Carruthers you’ll be saying I can’t put that old vibrator to good use next.”
“Crikey Deidre first you want us to do it with this Lou Bricant now you’re telling me you wish to invite another…a gal to boot…namely this aged one you speak of, Vi Brator around also…is there no end to your carnal perversions? This is really all too much for me!”
“Now look here Carruthers…listen and absorb what I have to say. Firstly that the revolving drum on that old cement mixer I inherited will not turn without lubricant. Secondly once we have laid the cement out as a base for our new patio we will need a concrete vibrator so that trapped air and excess water is released from the mix and the concrete settles firmly in place in the formwork.”
“Oh dear, dear…I quite forgot we were laying a new patio today…what a relief! I mean I thought you were suggesting that dirty business of sexual intercourse in the company of others!”
“I wish! No Carruthers…let’s take things one stage at a time…today is the day we start work on the patio!”
- MIKE STEEDEN - 
Reblogged this on mikesteeden and commented:
As ever a WP post it some places yet mostly not at all post…irksome WP again!
Vi Brator! heeheehee! Nice one!
Nice. Great name, too. 🙂
Cheers Sir
And what tomorrow?? Trim the hedges?? Plant the seeds?? This blog is getting entirely too x-rated for me!!
Sorry young Marissa I completely overlooked the fact that you are an innocent and as pure as the driven snow!
I know!! I’m very offended!!
Please don’t tell your chums in the convent about this…they’ll all be offended…I don’t think I could cope!
Sister Mary sends her regards.
Ah Sister Mary…I knew her well back in the day. If I recall she always preferred to work the convent garden…marrows I think
I know about your clandestine meetings Mike. They’re all over the confessional booth!
Ugly rumours…I deny the child was mine…do you understand young lady I shall sue for slander if this thing goes any further than these four walls! …where did I get four walls from?
The asylum no doubt.
Bedlam it was…wouldn’t let me out until they had screwed my head back on and made me promise never to go near the convent ever again
I think a few brains fell out!
I’d like to borrow your mind for–um–like an hour.
My head unscrews…just a little fine claret lubricant and I’m off and running…’tis a little cottage industry the wife runs in her spare time – mind she’s had no takers to date despite extensive advertising, mainly by way of writing upon the walls of public conveniences. Best of luck Sir!
well well …getting a little feisty are we? I might need to get my boyfriend(s) to read your blog….lol
As Benny Hill once said, ‘It’s only dirty/rude if that’s the way you see it’! Best of luck
I need to work on my patio ASAP!
I’ll send Deidre round straight away…in passing she mentioned she was looking for something firm and solid to work on.
Stability is key in construction… Next core drilling!
Blimey! Indeed, a relief! Patio work is what it is.
Clever names. I was laughing so hard here in the train. One looked at me funny. Prolly thought I’d lost it.
I hate it when people look at me funny…happens all the time mind!
Do you always laugh maniacally?
Forgotten how to laugh as it happens
I wonder if Patty O ever got laid
Crikey I missed a golden opportunity there! Bollocks!
Keep an eye on that Lou Bricant, he’s a bit too slick.
And tomorrow is……????
Hamster Day?
Ha ha ha !!!! How’s the work going on the patio…..
Me…a patio? She has painted the outside walls white and put upon them ‘hippie’ things from days of yore! You are right though…old houses cost a fortune to rid the state of disrepair and, of course ‘heat’!
OOh…it will be lovely though.
It rain last evening a the colouring from some of the weird fake floral arrangement on said wall ran staining her wall in the process! Strange the things that happen…she made me gather up broken tiles free from a builders merchant for a mosaic earlier…an old lady with a walking stick watched me from close range yet said nothing. Funny old business is living!
BRILLIANT! This made me laugh so hard the other day when I read it (when I was not supposed to be reading such things) that I nearly got myself in trouble. BRAVO! ❤
Written with you in mind – thought a new Carruthers might cheer you up!
Indeed it did! Thank you!