Cuthbert was cursed with very cold hands

Even upon a hot summer’s day

His mitts could warm up an ice bucketed beer

And warm beer is undrinkable they say


As for the gals poor Cuthbert despaired

Not a lass would give him time of day

For when his hands roamed beneath a t-shirt

They always said ‘no’ not ‘OK’


Yet Cuthbert’s luck was shortly to change

When an Inuit girl caught his eye

He determined that she would be used to the cold

And if he touched her she wouldn’t cry


How cruel life can be for Cuthbert you see

Was arrested for common assault

In his keenness to ‘touch’ he quite forgot

His lack of manners was a dangerous fault


As the judge pointed out, “Cold hands or not

A lady prefers to be wooed

And just because she’s from the frozen north

Don’t you think she found cold hand touching most crude?


An infringement of space

And in any case you’ll now spend the summer in gaol”

With that Cuthbert cried, “No matter how hard I try

I’m cursed on the centigrade scale


What a to-do but I guess that I always knew

From the start my life would be cursed

For even when small my mother would call

Me the icy twat not to be nursed”


But the Inuit girl, her name it was Pearl

Intervened and to Cuthbert did say

“When you are freed, and if you still have the need

You may court me with warm gloves on one day”


46 thoughts on “CUTHBERT’S COLD HANDS

    1. Prompted by my host of silver rings falling off my fingers once more the other day. It seems the weather turned a tad chilly; my hands (a diabetic thing perhaps) turned to ice and off they fell whilst at the same time Shirley advised it would be best for my well-being if I didn’t even think about touching her!

      1. Here I sit bleary eyed at 6AM and the first thing I read is, ‘She might kill two birds with one stone and cut them off’! Very nearly had a funny turn!

  1. I think there’s a limerick in there:
    Cuthbert’s hands were too cold for love
    He was jailed when push came to shove
    Now through taking chances
    With amorous advances
    Until the Inuit cried, wear a glove!

    1. Very good indeed…how I suffer cold hands…’tis June and only a week ago I dispensed with my gloves…not that Cuthbert and I are alike in any other way!

      1. Just my wretched hands I assure you…’tis blazing hot here today yet when Shirley insisted I check out the work she’s done in the garden the hands went icy again…odd thing!

      1. I’ve got special gloves with heated electric strips in them she makes me wear…got them from Maplins plus a heated steering wheel in the car such is the state of the old mits! It is the strangest affliction had it ever since the diabetes kicked in over a decade ago

      2. Listen I have Raynaud’s very badly and I often can’t feel my hands at all–I think it was from a blood transfusion. Also I don’t actually ever feel the cold so I don’t know when I am cold, like hypothermic cold. So yep it’s an odd affliction. Good on you re the gloves

      3. I’d never heard of Raynaud’s so I looked it up…from the pics the ‘yellow’ fingers are spot on what I get…cannot feel a thing yet I guessing I haven’t got that because I do feel cold…what you have sounds ever worse than mine…as in not knowing when you are cold!

      4. I think there’s different degrees of Raynaud’s though and some people can still feel the cold. I just know I don’t and yes, I have had hypothermia several times on hills, I probably had frostbite too. What I notice, if it is any help, is that sudden temperature changes are the worst in terms of losing the circulation, like some days…no joke here….I can hardly cook a meal. I go to do it but the heat off the rings, if I’ve been too cold, or even too warm, makes my hands totally numb and I’m dropping pots, can’t peel a tattie, etc etc. I think the secret is to try and be at one temp as far as that is possible. See…you get in the car..I find the same…and the car is cold. I don’t think that is the prob. I think the prob is when you blast the heating on and it is hitting your fingers through the vents. You are heating yourself up which you need to do but the body can’t cope with the sudden change.

      5. Very useful stuff to know. I can track it back to when I got that diabetes thing yet this winter just gone and even one day last week the numbness in the fingers was profound…they were all having a laugh at me down the cafe with my leather gloves on and some of them in t-shirts – the bastards. Mind I would rather like to experience not feeling the cold for a day (no more than that obviously) just to see what it’s like…I mean on the beach just up from here they take off to swim The Channel covered up in lard or in wet suits…it would be great just to stroll into the sea on a winter’s morn in just a pair of y-fronts smoking a pipe and not even having a goose bump to show for it. How old fashioned English (days of Raj type English) would that be!

      6. Maybe the diabetes thing links to circulation. This is what this is all about apparently. But I never had a problem till I had that transfusion. Once I even felt cold so there you go. The pins and needles, the numbness is murder and I don’t know about you but my fingers turn black. So screw them bastards laughing at ya wi the gloves on. Seriously not feeling the cold is something else. I’m like the opposite of these folks that can put their hands in hot ovens and feel absolutely nothing. But it does have its drawbacks

      7. I know that diabetes attacks the extremities of the body – feet for example where once a ear the nurse sticks pins in my feet to make sure I can feel them! Fascinating stuff…just glad my fingers stop at yellow and haven’t moved on to black yet! Best of luck regardless!

      1. The missus is taking the piss out of me today…unmercifully I might add…for just yesterday I yawned and yawn so overwhelming that I have damaged my jaw and failed to sleep last night…if only she’d let me write rather than rest I feel sure the delirium of being awake so long could produce a fine poem! Or not as the case may be! I hear her steps now upon the creaky stairs so must pretend to be resting!

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