THE PINK BANANA

sherlock rathbone 

A CASE FOR SHERLOCK HOLMES (even now still suffering from detective’s block)

“What the hell is that in her mouth Inspector Lestrade? Looks like a pink banana to me!” 

“Dr Watson really…what an idiot you are. I do not think you’ll find the evolution of the elongated and curved yellow skinned fruit known as a banana has evolved to be ‘pink’ thus far…you can check that out with your chum Charles Darwin if you so desire.” 

“Bet Darwin found a pink one in Madagascar so there…and don’t call me an idiot…it’s not nice.” 

“For pities sake Watson any fool can see that what this deceased young lady has bitten into and has clutched firmly within her jaws is, without a shadow of a doubt, a todger.” 

“A todger!” 

“Yes a todger, a nob, a Hampton, a willy, a bloody penis…call it what you like it is not, I repeat not a banana in part or at all.” 

“Well then Lestrade what then is an external male sexual organ doing in this obviously ‘pure as the driven snow’ gals mouth…answer me that if you can!” 

“Put simply Watson she’s bitten it off.” 

“Bitten it off!” 

“You heard…bitten it off. If you care to cast your gazers stage left you will note the corpse of a bloated fat bloke, trousers about his ankles, in a pool of blood and devoid of his John Thomas. It is crystal clear to me that she has murdered fat boy here and, having bitten off more than see could chew (so to speak) choked on said John Thomas.” 

“Why on earth would she do such a thing…I mean she can’t be a day over 21 years and in my book no gal has ever seen the male reproductive member before at least the age of 40 and only then if she has taken up the nursing profession. No Lestrade there is more to this case than murder. As ever you are barking up the wrong street…although I’m hardly surprised what with you being an intellectually challenge rozzer.  Indeed a man like you so lacking in even the most basic of detection skills has not a hope in hell of fathoming this little conundrum.” 

“Do what Watson…how dare you speak to me like that…I’ll have you know I’ve solved more murder cases than you’ve performed Caesareans! You should be struck off the medical register you incompetent buffoon.” 

“Sherlock did you hear what Lestrade just said to me…did you…what a wicked, unkind thing to say…Sherlock say something, tell the swine to mind his own business…Sherlock just say something will you? There’s not a moment to loose….hurry man, hurry.” 

“Fuck off.”

 

 

  

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21 thoughts on “THE PINK BANANA

  1. Well, this case has left me pure baffled like and no mistake. And as for all this professional jealousy, I just can’t be doing with it. I look forward very much to an outcome by the close of play.
    All the very best. Endeavour Morse.

    1. I feel Morse would have cracked it in one! You know it amazes me how all these detectives have a sidekick who is thick. Not just Sherlock, there’s Poirot and so many more!

  2. I quite agree! I’d say some foul play abounds. Probably someone cut it off and then murdered her with it…a double homicide as surely no girl of that age would…oh I shudder to think of it!!

    1. Crikey ‘cut it off and murdered her with it’ …Shirl do you think it possible to murder someone with a particular part of me? I’m hoping here the answer is ‘yes’ for a negative would leave me somewhat crestfallen!

    1. Poor indeed! I only posted this because my wife laughed her leg off on proof reading it for me…wasn’t sure it was not rubbish…mind with her sense of humour it could quite easily be rubbish!

      1. You see sometimes when writing a skit I ponder the point as to how far I can go on the ‘rude’ bits without offending…that’s why I’ll never make a decent satirist!

    1. You know I love writing to this Sherlock having block template with a guaranteed
      ‘fuck off’ at the end in every single one – he’s me when that old dark cloud sits in the sky above!

  3. What a waste! If he was well enough endowed to be compared to a banana (at least a U.S. banana is pretty large), then she really did the world a disservice, didn’t she?

      1. Wouldn’t it be good if you could get rainbow coloured bananas! Also talking with G earlier today I thought he said, ‘Odd that shop only sells female sandwiches’ – I said ‘Surely not, what would they be’ – he said, ‘I didn’t say that’ – I said, ‘What did you say then?’ – he said, ‘Forgotten’ – funny old world!

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