Dear Maud,

Please do forgive me

I am writing from afar

By the time this missive doth arrive

The bailiffs will have the car


The house and all its contents

The bank accounts frozen too

You will likely have been charged as an accessory

What will become of you?


You see sat here in paradise

Young Svetlana at my side

Arguably it is bigamy

As she is my new found bride


For I am above the law now

Out of justice’s reach

With my lover at my side

Sipping daiquiris on the beach


Fortunately there is no extradition here

And I escaped with oodles of cash

Plus a few bob from the drugs deal

Do you recall all that hash?


Still really must get on now

There is a twinkle in Svetlana’s eye

I do believe she wishes to bed me again

As for you Maud, you may as well just die



Juan Cruelbastard,

Perhaps the happiest man on God’s Earth,

To have captured both girl and spondoollies

Despite my excessive girth!



  1. A re run of an oldie! Cannot write presently as a tooth has been removed and subsequently my face has swollen to the extent that I appear to have an added bonus in the head region! Plus I throb! It is a joyful thought that my weekend will be one of antibiotics and no red wine…deep joy!

  2. Reblogged this on mikesteeden and commented:

    Yet another WP post that has decided upon a random approach as to which – in any – ‘readers’ it will appear on! What with this regular feature and the wretched new ‘reader’ one wonders why we bother…well this one does!

  3. Mikhael, do I see Svetlana? I theenk so. But vould say Maud needs to up herrr game..
    Sorry. Just had an afternoon with folks where I would sooner sip bloody paraffin and strike a match!! Great poem. xxxxxx

      1. It is good…I got back to a bit of writing this PM and I was so tempted to nick that line…obviously didn’t….nicked one of Martin Luther’s instead!

    1. A habit of mine I cannot control…I often use Svetlana as my muse…she works in a cafe where we take morning coffee and has no idea I write about her! My wife says that makes me weird!

      1. I write about pretty girls I see at cafes and other places all the time. So, I guess your wife would think I’m weird, too!

      2. Given that she is a raving nutter but nice with it I feel sure she would mark you down as weird then drink you under the table consuming lager – as she has been known to do to me!

      3. These days it would not take much tolerance to drink me under the table. But given your description of her, I’m sure it would be quite an enjoyable trip down there despite the fact that I would probably forget most of it.

      4. I well recall the moment years back when she performed the trick her father had taught her namely knocking back a whole pint in one go in just 5 seconds without spilling a drop. Has to be ale though, she says lager is too fizzy for that trick. Mind she hasn’t given a repeat performance since the old King died.

      5. Shirley almost blogged yet she claims she prefers to react and it is thus she is the only Facebook writer I would ever read…she destroys and amuses in equal measure. God help those who post cakes, cats and kids for it is those poor souls she preys upon with the venom of a disgruntled snake! By the way in terms of humourous skits she is ten times funnier than I am…lights pipe, sips a good ordinary claret and makes note to self not to allow her to write skits!

    1. Years back I severed my quads walking an estate of a man who did exactly that. Forged his wife’s signature; sold the marital home; purchased an estate and a yacht; got himself a gal half his age and 10 times his looks; lived by the sea in Dartmouth, Devon and all I had to do was serve High Court papers contesting his criminal actions upon him. I could even hear him singing opera a the top of his house/mansion when I slipped on moss on some steps and permanent damage was done! My wife Shirley killed him of course!

      1. Shirley must be a formidable woman! I hope she managed to grab some expensive booze as she was fleeing the murder scene.

      2. So, no expensive booze grabbed to make up for all your pain and suffering? Oh, well… Maybe next time!

    1. I had an Auntie Maud…thin as I don’t know what and bespectacled. Got run over by a milk float in 1971…never saw her again…alive that is. Have to go the face is throbbing something chronic…pills instead of red wine for me this weekend. You young Marissa have a blindingly good musical weekend with the family. You are writing really good stuff by the way…that’s not just praise for the sake of praise!

      1. Well, I appreciate the praise either way. As for your Auntie Maud, you know I also showed up at the funeral to gloat about how I warned her to stay away from milk floats but somehow it wasn’t as rewarding, her not being able to respond and all!! Anyway, sorry for your continuing pain. Hope the pills do the trick!

      2. My extra head has gone and the hole in my mouth where once sat a tooth is healing over…my mood is almost a good one. All that remains is to try to recover the family photographs and 14,000 pieces of music from that laptop I blew up…the one the technicians are presently shaking their heads about in a ‘lost cause’ manner

    1. Occasionally, back in my old fraudster chasing job I would almost, sometimes envy ‘the one that got away…the one I couldn’t trace’ then I saw the ones we did catch up with…better poor and happy methinks

  4. Dear Juan, As soon as the blacksmith gets the handcuffs stretched large enough to fit your wrists, we’ll be coming for you. You can run but you can’t hide. Yours, Constable Hicks

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s