‘HELLO DARKNESS MY OLD FRIEND, I’VE COME TO….TELL HER SHE’S GOT A SUBLIME REAR END’ as PAUL SIMON STRUGGLES WITH LYRICIST’S BLOCK!

simon garfunkel

New York City, 1964: Paul Simon is home alone trying without success to pen the lyric for the song, ‘The Sound of Silence’. You see poor Paul is suffering from lyricist’s block. At this juncture he plainly has no conception of the fact that one day ‘The Sound of Silence’ will be one of the most talked about, covered and successful folk songs of all time. With Paul at a loss for words enter Art Garfunkel his partner in song.

“I say Paul you do look a tad miffed with the world at large this fine day.” 

“Well Garficles my old fruit bat you’ve certainly hit the nail on the head for I am truly bolloxed beyond the credible that, lyrical genius that I am, I cannot for the life of me fashion the rhyme to the first line of that new song, The Sound of Silence I discussed with you last evening.” 

“What pray is the hitch?” 

“I thought I made myself clear on that front! Put simply I need both first and second lines of verse one to bloody rhyme yet my mind is a blank. I mean I’ve got metaphors galore for this little number yet they are as much use as a eunuch in a brothel without a belter of an opener.” 

“Maybe I could help…what have you got thus far?” 

“Just this, ‘Hello darkness my old friend, I’ve come to….’ That is the strength of it.” 

“Well you really are off form…I mean I can readily think of a host of rhyming lines that will sit most comfortably with what you have penned.” 

“Fire away then.” 

“Why not test drive this little beauty then… ‘Hello darkness my old friend, I’ve come to turn the light on again’ – see that rhymes majestically.” 

“Turn the light on again! Stuff me Garficles why on God’s earth ‘turn the light on again’?” 

“Well if the room is in darkness it would be foolhardy for health and safety reasons not to turn the light back on wouldn’t it?” 

“You do talk out of your arse sometimes you know…where’s the imagery, the poetry in that…it’s crap…and you sing like a girl.” 

“Do not.” 

“Do.” 

“Do not” 

“Do.” 

“Why I even bother to help a short arse like you I’ll never know. Whatever, what about this one… ‘Hello darkness my old friend, I’ve come to tell her she’s got a sublime rear end’…note ‘friend’ and ‘end’ rhyme like what you wanted!” 

“Rear fucking end! The Sound of Silence is not a song about some bird’s corker of a backside…if I used that I’d be a laughing stock…Dylan would take the piss something chronic and Cohen would ask who she was so he could pop around to her place for a swift hallelujah.” 

“I’ll give you one more chance.” 

“Well dwarf features you don’t deserve another chance yet so inspired with memorable lines as I am I shall impart yet another beauty, ‘Hello darkness my old friend, I’ve come to the conclusion that’s it’s so bloody dark in here my way I’ll have to wend’…note no mention of ‘light’ or ‘bums’. Take it or leave it shorty.” 

“It’s crap and desist with the goings on vis-à-vis me being vertically challenged…you’re haircut is shit by the way…I’m surprised the beauty salons don’t put up a snap of your bonce on a poster for ‘before’ and ‘after’ minge waxing with the emphasis of you being the ‘before’.” 

“Oh that’s it I’ve had enough I’m off I tell you…you’re going to be unfriended from my Facebook page for being so very beastly…I don’t think I’ll ‘come to talk with you again’ that’s for sure!” 

“Fuck off then.”

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70 thoughts on “‘HELLO DARKNESS MY OLD FRIEND, I’VE COME TO….TELL HER SHE’S GOT A SUBLIME REAR END’ as PAUL SIMON STRUGGLES WITH LYRICIST’S BLOCK!

  1. “Wait, wait, come back. I need something for “I am a rock”, I just can’t think of anything for the second line….”

    “You are a cock,
    You are a bell-end”

    “Hmm, maybe I could change “rock”….”

    1. Tricky one that…that song doesn’t have much in the way of rhymes. This song was a play on John Donne’s ‘No man is an island’ quote which if you think about is a bollocks quote for it is obvious a human being male or female could be mistaken for an actual ‘island’…although thinking about the fat block who lives up the road…maybe you have something there!

      1. I just liked the image of them singing the “I am a cock, I am a belllllllll-end.” refrain, that’s all.
        I am but a simple man, with simple tastes, and a good knob gag should never be wasted, that’s my philosophy.

      2. Quite agree…my problem in life is that of taking things literally…the trouble it’s caused me over the years…took me 27 years to get the ‘Two Nun’s in a Bath’ joke – that’s 100% true by the way!

      3. It’s funny you should say that; when I was younger, there was a running joke of saying “Yes it does, doesn’t it” whenever anyone used the phrase “where’s the _______?”, I still say it sometimes, an old reflex, hahaha.

      4. A chum told me an explanation of said joke was on Google..so it was! Still never worked it out for myself…as maybe one of the nun’s might have put it!

      5. Very good! Although that is another one this literal being had to have explained…’the work it out with a pencil’ line that is…it runs in the family…just yesterday I was chatting with another blogger re my son – now grown up – yet a few years ago the conversation went, ‘Look George there’s a new moon tonight’ his riposte, ‘What happened to the old one Dad’!

  2. Ha ha ha…. bloody epic x The health and safety reasons just cracks me up. espesh when we have been 4 weeks with no fridge freezer and you should see the fecking carry on re getting a like for like delivered to our house…. Brill

    1. No fridge freezer for 4 weeks…I mean I know Scotland can on occasions be a tad chilly yet surely you can’t have supped cold lager for a month…would be the death of me I think!

      1. When our one blew up just before we moved Shirley ordered from some online company at 6pm on a Saturday and the new one arrived the Sunday late morning!

      2. Well, the prob was we ‘inherited’ this bloody great beast of a thing with the house and we insured it cos the first thing that happened was we walked in to the fridge bit broken. And you could kinda tell this was an expensive baby AND we did not fancy trying to get it out the house–although the folks did offer to pay for that. So we had to go through our insurers. It’s Whirlpool make and the part had to come from the States. That was gonna take 3 months. We said …well.. I am sure you can imagine what we said. Anyway this was no prob, they would sanction a replacement…until they saw the cost involved. Anyway, they did come up with the goods. I actually take back everything I said after they got the finger out yesterday when Hotpoint who had this upfront sale of a grand….yeah.. started doing it all by the book. This snottery cow had to do her job re what they call a site survey. Hell, I thought good for you doll, I can’t get doing mine for the time you are wasting. Anyway, the guy duly arrives and Hotpoint must be wusses. Despite the replacement being the same size as the one that is in our house, they said they could not get it in the house. Snottery cow 2015 starts about getting this model and that model instead WHICH would also require this survey. So, we thought …I am sure you know what we thought… went back to Domestic and General who ordered a more expensive and even BIGGER Samsung model coming on Friday. End of.

      3. ‘Snottery cow’ – sounds like a new breed for farmers in Surrey! If it gets seriously cold this winter can Svetlana and I take up residence in your fridge?

      1. A clever chap he is…just had a quick think while putting up light fittings…announced he’d worked out the solution and bingo ‘job done’ as they say in Devon!

  3. Now comes a line I haven’t penned
    Art Garfunkel he did unfriend
    I would say f**k but can’t offend

    The possibilities are limitless. If only I had been there. Not to mention, would have definitely had to take a shot on the hair and height. Do you think they had any groupies?

  4. I loved the dialogue. Funnily how the useful line gets chucked out as a leaving insult. Funnily enough, when I try and remember the song, after the first line, nothing seems to happen so “turning the light on again” would have sounded like “just the job” and I would have been nodding again at the brilliance of this celebrated songster 🙂

  5. ” Cohen would ask who she was so he could pop around to her place for a swift hallelujah.”

    Brilliant!

      1. It doesn’t help that I think there are quite a few different accepted spellings of the word! Not to mention a lot of derivatives that mean basically the same thing.

        But I can totally imagine Cohen doing that! Not that I know anything about his real life, but the persona in so many of his songs can be a bit lecherous.

      2. Thank you so much for that link! I really enjoyed reading this transcript! Fascinating, indeed!

  6. I am with Garfunkel on ‘turn the light on again’. If it is dark, turn the freak’n lights on. Who talks to the dark other than some juiced up beatnik poet? Get a job!!

  7. This song is the ultimate go to for the depressed, right up there with the Beach Boys In My Room. I prefer to talk to my dog rather than the dark, at least I get a tail wag. I personally like Garfunkel, his Bridge won me over, another downer. It wasn’t till they split that Simon started to lighten up. Brilliant light you have cast on this team, still smiling.

    1. I must confess I rate Paul Simon as one of the great lyricists…up there with Cohen and Joni Mitchell. It irks my wife that I like what she calls ‘depressing’ lyrics yet I find them uplifting in a weird way! They make me think and take me places…when ever I get the writer’s block when thinking up skits or poetry for this little blog hobby I get on the cross trainer or treadmill put the headphones on and see what happens to my brain! Have a jolly fine weekend…I would but it’s raining cats & dogs presently!

      1. I like Simon’s music a lot, not all his stuff is depressing, Fifty Ways to Leave Your Lover is a good example, I really like his stuff a lot. Enjoy your week-end despite the rain…it hot as all get out here and will probably storm later, that’s the pattern. 🙂

      2. Oh so you’re hot…how depressing that is for selfish me! I might just have to write a suicidal poem now! What I’d give for a bit of hot here in Hell Fire Corner! Best of good fortune, Yours, The Old Fool

      3. I often wonder where I am! Odd that…however Hell Fire Corner is the name given to Dover in the County of Kent. So named because during WW2 it was in the skies above that The Battle of Britain was fought…plainly that is a rather wordy way of saying Dover is where I live! It seems to have stopped raining for the moment yet still contemplating a thermal vest and a woolly jumper!

      4. when I was a child my grandmother taught me a song about Dover. Stay warm and dry Mike.

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