Forgive the intrusion of this long overdue letter. How many years has it been? Fifteen at least I’m guessing and not a word exchanged twixt the pair of us in all that time! How very young and foolish we were to allow that little incident of the wretched jelly fish sting in St Topez to come between us. Naive as I was back then how was I to know that pouring a 10 litre bucket of balsamic vinegar over your infected torso was no ‘cure all’, indeed was an old wives’ tale and would cause you so much additional agony. On reflection maybe it would have been better had you kept your bikini top on when you went swimming! I do trust those scars eventually healed though. Still what is done is done. Plainly I should not have posted the snaps I took of you at the time on Facebook…for that I plead guilty and once more beg your forgiveness. Mind you I’d never had a million ‘likes’ and seventy thousand ‘shares’ before. Viral or what! I’d be a liar if I said otherwise than that I was rather chuffed.
Whatever, I imagine you are wondering as to exactly why I have chosen now to get in touch? Well the thing is I was reading The Times Literary Supplement just the other day wherein I spotted a review of the book of poetry you always promised yourself you’d write. I must say the critics have been most generous with their praise. “A masterful collection that will endure” – doesn’t get much better than that in my book, not that I’ve written one of course. Odd though your choice of title for your compilation, vis a vis ‘My Life with a Complete and Utter Bastard Womanizer’…can I take it that I am, as it were, your muse? The thought came to me when I stumbled across one particular poem that struck a chord;
BRAIDED HEART STRINGS
Blindfolded the carnal acrobat juggles fresh eggs
walking a high wire contrived of braided heart strings
each exquisite strand filched from an abandoned lover
Magnetic the aura of the one who attracts opposites so
triggering innermost voltaic tremors arousing elicit longings
such sweet torture beyond restraint too much for the bonded ones
flocking as lemmings to cliffs edge irresistible flight of foolish whim
Plainly this tidy little number could only be based upon me…couldn’t it? After all my reputation as a bit of a ‘stud’ does rather go before me!
I still miss you so very much and trust that one day in the not too distant future we may be able to meet up over a bottle of plonk and talk over old times…maybe…well best not push my luck…maybe though!
Yours, the one of encyclopaedic dexterity in and out of the sack
Given that you are and always will be a puffed up supercilious rake I knew you wouldn’t be able to help yourself…that as soon as I published you would be in touch with the haste of a rat up a drainpipe in an attempt to worm your evil way back into my affections. As ever you are blithely unaware of your romantic shortcomings. Tosser!
However you can take it that in a perverse sort of way I am ‘pleased’ to hear from you, you see I’ve got your address at last and armed with that little piece of information I can finally ensure you get your comeuppance! Oh the things I will do to you not even you can imagine. You’ve never paid the price for breaking this girl’s heart.
I take it you are still shagging floozies like there’s no tomorrow you two timing love rat scum bag.
See you about and best you sleep with one eye open,
Dearest Sweet Elizabeth,
That you did respond means you still have a pulse and as you well know a pulse is all I ask for in a gal! What a result though…you’re more than welcome to pop over to my gaff on Saturday evening then. I shall even don my best Y-Fronts…how’s that for an old romantic then!
Had to take a cold shower when I read the bits about ‘the things’ you will do to me and your very mention of ‘perverse’ made me go all funny about my parts.
So glad you don’t hold a grudge and that I’m on a promise. Crumbs you’ve fairly put a spring in my step.
All my love,