“New shed Frank?” 

“Oh yes Brian, oh yes…finished putting it together last night as it happens…bit of a beauty don’t you think?” 

“Certainly is Frank…crikey you don’t see many modern sheds with such sturdy frames these days and the corrugated iron structuring painted a rather fetching pastel blue no doubt protects its innards from fire, rot or even a pestilence of termites.  Just the one question though.” 

“What’s that then Brian?” 

“Why did you construct it on top of the flat roof to your kitchen extension?” 

“Predators…I have to keep the bloody predators out.” 

“Predators? What here in Neasden, London? What on earth are you going to keep in it that has you so concerned about beasts of prey and such like?” 

“Dodos Brian…dodos. You see I have a brace of the blighters I discovered on a trip to the ancient woodlands of Epping Forest in that shed of mine. Got to keep ‘em nice and safe see…I’m planning to have a whole waddle of dodos in there in the fullness of time I might add.” 

“Dodos in Epping Forest in the year of our Lord 2015AD…you have to be pulling my plonker mate. Insofar as I am aware the flightless and terrestrial bird what heralds from the subfamily Raphinae of the clan of pigeons and doves and is named the dodo is my friend quite extinct. If I’m not mistaken the last widely accepted sighting of a dodo was in 1662 on the faraway island of Mauritius. Epping Forest…you’re having a laugh mate!” 

“Deadly serious Brian…deadly serious. It’s a breeding pair what I’ve got and as such they will likely be at it day and night…wait, listen up I think I hear them rumping away like billy-o even as we speak.” 

“I think you’ll find that what you can hear is the siren of a passing police car no doubt chasing down a miscreant, nothing more.” 

“Oh ye of little faith. Look Brian, hand on heart there I was in the forest on a bit of a fungi hunt under the canopy – the rare Tulostoma niveum puffball if you must know – when I came to a clearing and there in front of me, large as life were two dodos.  Too good an opportunity to miss in my book so I rushes back to the motor, grabs me trusty club hammer…runs back to the clearing…gives the both of them a swift, yet plainly not fatal bonk on the bonce thus ensuring a short term anaesthetic effect…chucked them in the back of the car…popped round to the DIY store to purchase the shed and Bobs your uncle, job done!  I’ve called them Mavis and Cyril by the way.” 

“Do you mind if I take a peek through the shed window Frank…got to see this for myself?” 

“Do what you like you Doubting Thomas you.” 

“Er Frank…don’t know how to put this…um…this may come as a great disappointment Frank but what I am looking at here is, my friend, a couple of pigeons…big ones I’ll grant you yet pigeons nonetheless.” 

“You sure Brian?” 

“100% Frank.” 

“So I won’t be using any spare eggs for the fine cuisine I had been so looking forward to, you know dodo omelette and fries that is…or should I say was?” 

“Afraid not Frank.  I mean I suppose there are certain similarities in build yet the dodo stood over three foot tall, pigeons a mere dozen or so inches. Tell you what you know those milk bottle bottom glasses you wear with the multi-flex arms that if you put them on ‘about face’ they have a magnification effect …you know the ones you have on now that the boys down the pub say, ‘You must have fucking good eyesight to see through those’…well did you, indeed have you still got them on back to front again?” 

“Might have done…thought you were looking taller than usual…and thinking about it I did mention to the missus over breakfast that by the look of her arse she should consider going on a fat free diet in the near future.”



  1. Well, I hope he doesn’t tell her that those jeans make her look fat.

    Pigeons are just flying rodents as far as I’m concerned, so best not to eat a pigeon egg omelet…did I ever tell you I actually have an uncle named Bob??

    1. Crikey we eat pigeons over here…the French love them! So Bob’s your uncle and all that…bet he must get a bit pissed off at times though…certainly would if he was my uncle!

  2. I’m still holding out for the dodo’s. Almost Iowa is a land that time forgot (it is also a land that forgets about time too but that is another story). Anyways when you see what is in fashion around here, you’d fully believe there are dodo’s scampering about.

    1. Oddly not censored this time. Our conversation went;
      Me: ‘Is this post OK?’
      Her: ‘No it’s shit’
      Me: ‘Should I post it then?’
      Her: ‘Do what you like’
      That was a positive in my book!

      1. How weird! I clicked on the link thing and it opened up on my son’s email account asking him to send Ms Shannon a message…now George takes things as literally as I do and I can’t wait to see how confused he gets…more so that he has probably long since forgotten he once used this desk top to send a few job application emails far and wide. This could well become a skit.

    1. orry MIke. Can you remove that comment re dot com . What happened was I am doing a blog and I copied it. The I came by here commented and copied that cos it stuck and never psoted. Well the wrong reply is there. What I said was…oh dear.. she does. Maybe I should join you

  3. I imagine the Missus will be cooking Frank a steady stream of pigeon egg omelettes in response to his ill chosen remarks about her dietary needs.

  4. I do so love a dig through your archives, Master Steeden. 🙂 Poor Frank. I was rather hoping to see the door to the shed open, and there’s the big forest, complete with prancing stag and charming swallows…hmm, maybe I’ll borrow his glasses….

    1. A weird fact, Ms Lee. I just read Mad Frank Darwin and have no recollection of writing it! I’m worried now. I’ll just see if my dear wife…Maud? Patricia?…whomsoever remembers it.

      1. Plus the ear trumpet, the fez, the smoking jacket, the glass of port at my side, a smoldering Havana in hand, the bath chair in front of the blazing log fire and young Svetlana with me tending my every need!

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