A CASE FOR SHERLOCK HOLMES (even now still suffering from detective’s block)

“Ah Sherlock and Dr Watson sorry to drag you both out on a wretched night like this yet as you can see from the corpse before you there has been another incident…I think we have a serial killer on the loose. The similarities in the modus operandi of the murders are identical each and every time. The poor soul we have here is the eighth victim. You’re the medical man Watson…what’s your take on it.”

“Inspector Lestrade when will you learn never to jump to conclusions. My first instincts here tell me that we are dealing with nothing more than an accidental death.”

“Accidental death…what are you Watson, a moron?  For God’s sake man how on earth do you work that one out?”

“Look here Lestrade…here…just here, the corpse is plainly that of an adult male and you will note if you can bring yourself to bother to look properly that the thumbs of both hands are horribly mutilated. Indeed they are bent backward something chronic. That alone suggests to me that he was involved in a skiing accident, nothing more…Holmes and I shall take of our leave now that’s been sorted out.”

“Hold your horses Watson, a skiing accident!”

“Yes, I repeat…a skiing accident. It is obvious to me that he simply, albeit irresponsibly, affixed the strap of the upper part of his ski poles to his thumbs for safe keeping in case of a fall.  In the event he did take a tumble and bingo, mutilation of the thumbs.”

“OK then Watson, so assuming…which I’m not in part or at all by the way…that you are correct then how do you account for the fact that both kneecaps have been smashed to smithereens with, I’m guessing a heavy blunt instrument, likely a club hammer and the fact he has a courgette stuffed up his arse? That’s flummoxed you hasn’t it you dithering old twat.”

“Don’t you call me a ditherer Lestrade you intellectually challenged PC Plod you…use your imagination, think about it. Consider our victim here…he’s whizzing down the piste like billy-o, takes his tumble, rolls down the run, his knees smash against some protruding rocks shattering the same. In great pain and shock he screams out ear piercing profanities so loudly as to cause an avalanche the force of which carries him ever forward down through edelweiss adorned meadow land into what I am supposing are tended allotments where someone is growing courgettes and one such courgette regrettably ends up in his anal cavity.”

“Well Watson you’ve surpassed yourself this time…on a scale of 1 to 10 in the ‘talking a load of old bollocks’ stakes I’m scoring you a 12 you….you…fucking idiot.  And what’s more this is the eighth corpse we’ve come across all with exactly the same injuries, all with a courgette up the jacksie and furthermore all the bodies were found out here on The Norfolk Broads, the flattest part of this great nation of ours and nowhere near a bloody Alpine ski slope prone to avalanches. Tosser. I don’t know why I bother calling you out to my investigations for you are about as much use as a fart in a thunderstorm.”

“Sherlock, Sherlock that Inspector Lestrade is being beastly to me again. Sherlock you must agree with me apropos my analysis as to cause of death.  You do agree don’t you Sherlock…tell me you do?”

“Fuck knows.”

“No Sherlock no…my reputation is at stake…give him a swift ‘I deduce’…say what you are really thinking Holmes…just spit it out man.”

“Fuck off.”

24 thoughts on ““THE COURGETTE KILLER”

    1. Thank you Ms Heartafire…you know all these top fictional detectives always have a painfully thick sidekick…would never happen in real life what with bluebirds flying with bluebirds!

  1. “I’m guessing a heavy blunt instrument, likely a club hammer and the fact he has a courgette stuffed up his arse? That’s flummoxed you hasn’t it you dithering old twat.”” – Hahahaha. I’m loving Sherlock’s last words to Watson there too. I enjoyed that.

    – sonmihidingthevegetablesupontheCloud

    1. Watson sees the big picture. Years ago a young idiot was working for me and went skiing. Broke his thumbs as in this skit plus wrists as well. He turned up at work one day encased in plaster only to point out to me – his boss – that he desperately needed a No. 2! Terrible shame I couldn’t help really…he left not long after a figure of ridicule especially so amongst the gals in the office!

  2. LOL! I know I’m sleep deprived when I read “a club hammer and the fact he has a courgette stuffed up his arse” and rather than seeing THAT, I see “It’s a fact that he has a club hammer and a cigarette stuffed up his arse.” Good one! 😀

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