french maid

Why on Gods earth would you leave me

All alone, heart broken in two

Leaving no note to explain of your motives

Without even saying adieu


I mean I gave you all that you asked for

The diamonds, the Rolex’s, the yacht

The race horse, the mansion in Surrey

The muscular valet to fan you when hot


Oh yes and that South Sea Island

Where lived the natives of whom you were fond

A most handsome monthly allowance

A casino the other side of the pond


I know I am not that good looking

And suffer so severely with gout

And yes it’s best not to be downwind of me

When I’ve scoffed too much sauerkraut


It surely can’t be the age difference

You just 18 and me 83

For love is blind so say the romantics

And it’s not as if I have hepatitis B


No it must be for some other reason

I’m baffled that is for sure

You rarely mentioned my body odour

Save to say that I stunk like manure


Ah well I’ll go find another

A gal who will tend to my needs

Shouldn’t be too hard to find one

If I gift her some bangles and beads


Oh I almost forgot young Svetlana

Our sweet sexy scullery maid

Perhaps if I ask her nicely

There’s a chance that I just might get laid


“Svetlana I’ve got to thinking

Now that my wife’s gone and left

Would you favour me with your ample charms

Then I won’t feel so bereft”


“Sir I’m afraid that I have to tell you

You are barking up the wrong tree

If you think I’d touch you with a barge pole

Then again if you’re paying me…”


I suppose all’s well that ends well

Best change the sheets on the four poster bed

And take a shed load of Viagra

And pray to God I don’t fall down dead!



    1. Cheers…on the mend yet still bruised to buggery! Tried a bit of a workout on the cross trainer just yesterday and my foot and knew both got swollen something shocking…the wife keeps covering me in ice packs and walking about town with a stick doesn’t do a great deal for my cred etc. Rule no 1 – don’t blackout at he top of the stairs!

      1. Yikees! Did I miss something? Easy to do, I have been almost off the grid up north and doing WordPress with my phone… (advise against it).

        Hope you are on the mend.

      2. Cheers…blacked out and fell a fall flight of stairs…battered but lucky in many respects…the doc says low blood pressure when taking a 4AM pee was the cause! Seem to be recovering OK at last!

      1. Funnily enough there is a waitress girl from Eastern Europe who I have christened ‘Svetlana’ yet she has no idea that is so…you know manners and all that…she is rather lovely though!

  1. Your writing is super fresh dear Mike. Respectfully present with a cynicism that’s truly beautiful. If only all had the guts.

  2. Reblogged this on Mum C writes and commented:
    For women who hurt thinking no man hurts, I thought of you reading this. Even rich dudes go through rejection. Then again, the older, the desperate and more broken in breaking realms. Travel this route, and think like me for a minute. It should be fun analysing. Try now.

    1. My apologies for I have only just spotted this comment/reblog of yours (I am useless re all matters involving computers!)…always remember that in my silly verse and skits one way or another the gals always win. I believe that a very important thing not just in comedy but in life also. Have the finest Sunday, Mike

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