“THE MEAT & TWO VEG MURDER”

basil-rathbone-sherlock 

A CASE FOR SHERLOCK HOLMES (even now still suffering from detective’s block)

 
“What a glorious day it is Inspector Lestrade! Why the raincoat and galoshes’ may I ask?”

 
“Because Dr Watson it is blowing a hooley and pissing down something chronic you idiot.”

 
“Oh…um…hadn’t realized, still if the sun were out it would be glorious! Never mind let’s get to the point, why do you require the services of Sherlock and me?”

 
“Ah follow me to the bus shelter onward a little…it’ll not only give us the small mercy of sanctuary from the storm but it is the crime scene of a murder most hideous.”

 
“Jolly good Lestrade…we like a good old fashioned juicy murder don’t we Sherlock?”

 
“Fucked if I know.”

 
“Now, now Sherlock…be positive! Lead the way then Lestrade.”

 
“Right here we are Watson…what pray do you make of this?”

 
“Not a lot as it happens Inspector Lestrade…methinks you’ve got us out on another of your wild goose chases.”

 
“Not a lot! Good God man how can you say ‘not a lot’ when the corpse of a blindfolded, otherwise naked adult male, hands bound behind his back with twine, severed genitalia….where his meat and two veg are Lord only knows…and if you care to check his torso you’ll note multiple knife wounds…and, and all you afford me is ‘not a lot’…what a dozy twat you are!”

 
“Me ‘dozy’ I’ll have you know I slept like a log last night…look, pay heed…I’m not even yawning…cheek of it.”

 
“Your view as to primary cause of death then Watson?”

 
“Cause of death you ask…well likely this poor wretched soul was an escapologist, probably an imitator of that Harry Houdini chappie. I suspect he was waiting for an omnibus to take him to the theatre where he was due to perform yet thought he would have a little practice of the finale to his performance, however things in that regard went horribly wrong and it was thus he inadvertently killed himself…cause of death most likely the blood loss from the inadvertent chopping off of his John Thomas and family jewels. Insofar as the Coroner is concerned I believe we can safely say ‘death by misadventure.’   Good enough for you Lestrade?”

 
“I’ve heard it all now! Where’s the knife then clever clogs…moreover where’s his bollocks; where’s his clothing?”

 
“Plain as the nose on my face the deceased, having tied himself up to rehearse his act got all in a muddle yet had about his person a 33 function, 8 layered Swiss Army Knife manufactured by Victorinox, a firm of knife makers based in the town of Ibach, in the Canton of Schwyz, Switzerland with which he attempted to cut himself free. In his panic…he probably heard the sound of the omnibus engine in the near distance and decided he shouldn’t tarry any longer…things got out of hand and he met his regrettable demise.  Said knife along with his clothing and his unmentionables (possibly mistaken for road kill offal…easy boo boo) all stolen by a passing ruffian perhaps…it hardly matters.”

 
“Dr Watson you must live in cloud cuckoo land…I shan’t even waste my breath commenting on your pathetic summation you utter total 100% fuckwit.”

 
“Sherlock you must intervene for that awful Inspector Lestrade is as ever being beastly toward me…tell him Sherlock, tell him that I am an expert in these matters…slip in an, ‘I deduce’…say what you really think Sherlock…spit it out man.”

 
“Fuck knows.”  

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