pacamac man

The End of the Californian Drought

“Oh Pac-A-Mac Man is that your ‘Phallus of Instant Global Weather News’ I hear throbbing?”

“Certainly is my trusty little yet ever so loyal companion Galoshes Boy…it is telling me that there is rain falling in parts of Southern California after what has been a 127 year long drought!”

“Crumbs Pac-A-Mac Man that is great news for farmers and wildlife alike I’d say.”

“Yet tragically not so good for the Californian housewives I fear.”

“How so Pac-A-Mac Man…I don’t get it, surely they will be chuffed to bits?”

“Well you see my small and occasionally irksome little friend for decades now the housewives of California have simply been putting their washing out to dry on the line within the safe confines of their rear gardens. What with it being so very, very hot there and without the perceived curse of rainfall to drying washing the gals simply wait half an hour then leave their air-conditioned indoor environments, pop outside armed with a laundry basket, collect up the dry clothes then…ever onward and upward…take the washing in and as any dutiful all-American housewife would do they set about ironing so that everything is tickety-boo when hubby returns home from the office.”

“Still don’t see the problem Pac-A-Mac Man!”

“Fuck me Galoshes Boy are you thick or what? Look at it this way…what with the drought there is not a single retail outlet within the State of California that has felt compelled to stock up on umbrellas and raincoats (including I might add pac-a-macs) for donkey’s years now as there has been simply no call for them.”

“And Pac-A-Mac Man?”

“Well without the required apparel for going out in inclement weather how on earth can the gals be expected to venture outside in their pretty polka dot frocks to collect said washing before it gets soaked through without getting soaked through themselves…that’s the rub of it.”

“Oh I see now Pac-A-Mac Man…how can we help?”

“That should be obvious you intellectually challenged short-arse yet much valued partner in good deeds. Take Mavis Warblegroanofskiatad of 30911198A Short Back Lane, San Diego for the message from her I am sensing through the technological magic of my ‘Phallus of Instant Global Weather News’ is plain enough…she is in a state of some distress!”

“Sorry to interrupt Pac-A-Mac Man but I thought you said she was in the State of California?”

“Shut it twato my annoying yet devoted play-mate…what I was saying was that Mavis has put out a plea for help that reads, ‘Dearie me my washing is getting soaked and I don’t know what to do…I can’t go outside in case I get wet’…see the problem now Galoshes Boy!”

“This is then a crisis of mega proportions Pac-A-Mac Man…I can see where you’re coming from now.”

“Really? Whatever we must make haste for San Diego and help out Mavis and her chums”

“How shall we get there?”

“For pity’s sake Galoshes Boy…as superheroes travelling at great speed is second nature you just grab hold of me as per usual.”

“Where’s your, ‘as per usual’ Pac-A-Mac Man?”

“Fucking Ada mate…just cling to my ‘Pac-A-Mac of Instant Flight’  


“Right then Mavis ‘job done’ your washing has been safely gathered in…sorry about the unsightly puddle in your kitchen brought about by rain dripping off my pac-a-mac by the way…anyway all you have to do is put it in your dryer and it’ll be ready for ironing in a jiffy.”

“What’s a puddle and moreover what’s a dryer Pac-A-Mac Man?”

“God give me strength…ho hum…I really must leave you with that quandary Mavis for my ‘Phallus of Instant Global Weather News’ is bringing forth news of a hailstorm in the Sahara Desert and I understand the camels are becoming confused and disorientated and the Bedouins don’t know what to do about it…this is serious methinks…we must be on our way…grab hold once more Galoshes Boy.”

“But Pac-A-Mac Man if I don’t get the washing ironed before my husband gets home from work he’ll think I’ve ceased to be a dutiful wife.”

“Best call for Furnace Breath Man I reckon luv…he’s your only hope…best of luck!”



  1. “How so Pac-A-Mac Man…I don’t get it, surely they will be chuffed to bits?”

    I love that final expression, and it reminds me of an old pun:

    After many failed attempts, a bloke I knew finally managed to commit suicide by jumping in front of a steam train – he was chuffed to bits.

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