jessica 1

Always I have hugged trees. Even as a small child I hugged them – all varieties mind – for there is nothing like communing with nature in my book. My parents thought me odd in this regard. Pater would often say to me, ‘Jessica you really do get on my tits with all that bloody tree hugging you know – now go and play in the road darling.’ We lived only a short distance from the busy M25 motorway at the time.
Mater called me an insipid, wearisome dullard with alarming regularity until the day she inserted and Super-glued some very unusual things called butt plugs into both ears so she would never have to hear my utterances again – that is until she also poked both her eyes out with a sharp stick so as to avoid looking at me also.  And then the final straw came when pater took a chain saw to all the trees in our garden. I was bereft I can tell you. Still that event prompted me to leave home and get a job as a trainee ethical tree surgeon. It was there that I met hairy Keith, the love of my life. However, after 6 years of courtship and what with him constantly begging to, as he put it, ‘get his leg across – I’ll even take you trunk side if you so desire’ our relationship faltered then collapsed. I was near suicidal when he left. It was then I turned to writing poetry by way of a therapy of sort. I recently wrote a verse regarding my experiences when trying to network my poetical gift on Facebook that I will now share with you.
The snap of the cake I posted
For my Facebook friends to see
Got such a poor reception
It will be the death of me
Sammy wrote that it was crap
And Alice commented ‘shit’
John clicked ‘like’ on Alice
And said for eating it was unfit
That he wouldn’t feed it to his dogs
Or even his mother-in-law
And added rather hurtfully
That I was a fucking bore
And as for the photo of my Nan
I thought it nice to share
Yet my bestest friend named Jenny
Said she would suit the electric chair
And then there was my selfie
Which I thought made me look nice
Yet my Aunt Maud did message me
And passed on her advice
She told me to go get a life
In a place that’s far from here
Or it would be even better still
If I could just disappear
Why can I never find love?
What have I done to irk people thus?
And why is that even the local vicar
Wished to see me run over by a bus?
My dilemma persists so I’ve decided again to attempt to end it all – this will be my 48th attempt!  I’ve read somewhere that a cocktail of birth control pills and steroids is a guaranteed passport to a better place. Odd concoction if you think about it yet I found it on the ‘Bearded Lady’s Contraception Tips’ blog so I feel sure it is OK – just off for a final tree hug. I am minded to seek out a sycamore I think.



  1. Notwithstanding that I ‘killed off’ Jessica by popular demand over a year ago I thought, what with me being blocked on the writing front a swift re-post of her introduction to this blog a ‘bit of fun’!

  2. I thought we had seen the last of Jessica Downlow. Was she worthy of a resurrection? Will she finally meet her maker in the great tree in the sky? Will she die a virgin? Will Hairy Keith ever get his leg across?

    1. Not sure Marissa…I’ll run with a few old posts over the next few Mondays then see where this one goes…the problem with a tree hugging poet is the pic for the skit…every time I put tree hugging poet in Google 95% of what I get is porn I obviously can’t use. I do like Jessica though…she’s based on a lady I knew in the rural West who got on my nerves something chronic…bloody good verse you wrote today by the way…an unfolding story always makes for the best verse!

      1. Well, when you have trouble finding images you’re always best of just getting your own. I recommend you have Shirl in one of her Stevie Nicks get ups go about the local forests. I’m sure she will enjoy that no end.

      1. Ah a question! You’ll have to take my word for it yet it is true…I’ve often wondered what a ‘meme’ is/was. I keep seeing it yet am too embarrassed to ask generally.

      2. Oh . I never knew for ages either. It is like a promo card for a book . Like you might take a pic of your nice book jacket and find a background to put it on and then add a quote and stick it on facebook or twitter or wherever

  3. There ya go – livin proof: staying too much on facebook does no one no good… At Jericho, Zacchaeus climbed a sycomore-tree to see Jesus as he passed by…perhaps nowadays all one needs is not take FB so seriously: same effect as seeing Jesus in those days way way back in Jericho :))))))))))

    1. Good point…I once wrote a trilogy of silly skits whereby JC got ever so angry with Mary always being on Facebook and having more followers than him! Twas good fun to write I recall!

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