‘GENTLEMEN PREFER A PULSE’ – A book by Mike Steeden

book cover 12092015
Vladimir Putin: “I like this bloke Mikel Steedenski…a diamond geezer as it happens… but I’m still going to have to kill him…shame really! Still I can’t have him going around sucking up to that toe-rag Hugh Crane can I…let’s be fair?”
Mark Twain: “Just the omission of Mike Steeden’s book alone would make a fairly good library out of a library that hadn’t a book in it”
Sarah Palin: “Where’s the pictures…I mean to say what’s a book without pictures!”
George W Bush: “I’ll ‘ditto’ that Sarah my luv”
Buddha: “Can I nosh on it? Gotta keep me carbs up to maintain this well-fed public persona of mine…still suppose I could put it to good use when I have a number two”
Harry Krishna: “Herewiv me new mantra inspired by this poetry book wot I have just copped a butcher’s at, ‘Bird wiv a pulse, bird wiv a pulse, bird wiv a pulse will do for Harry… Bird wiv a pulse, bird wiv a pulse, bird wiv a pulse will do for Harry’…nice one!”
Fred Krishna: “Wot you on about bruv?”
Syd Krishna: “Leave it out Harry”
Dr Who: “Who’s that tart on the front cover? I mean I’m on the lookout for a new piece of tail for me sidekick now soppy little Clara’s handed in her notice…anyone know if the tart on that cover is half-decent?”
John Betjeman: “What an absolute swiz! Steeden only manages to mention choo-choo trains just once in the whole book and I really, really like puff-puffs!”
John Lennon: “Imagine that!”
Svetlana (who tends to the author’s every need): “Do wot! ‘Tends to his every need’…I think not the dirty old bastard…crikey you wouldn’t believe some of the things he……..…well really!”
Dr Watson: “I say Holmes don’t you think this Gentlemen Prefer a Pulse book is a spiffingly fine read?”
Sherlock Holmes (still with detective’s block): “Fuck knows”
Should such universal praise trigger the desire to ‘invest’ then here’s the links;
For the UK;
For the US;
As to the rest of the planet I haven’t a blind clue sadly! Maybe best to try Amazon!
Best of good fortune to one and all

68 thoughts on “‘GENTLEMEN PREFER A PULSE’ – A book by Mike Steeden

    1. What with avoiding Putin, having to be extra nice to Svetlana and hiding from the groupies I really don’t know what to do with myself…Hemingway is even popping round for a glass of cordial this very eve…still this hasn’t appeared on my reader thing again!

      1. The only thing that I can think of with the Reader is… are you following your blog there? It comes up in mine if I use any of your tags ( I chose lunacy to avoid confusion…)

      2. Interesting…I mean I put tags in yet never thought they meant very much and I am following my own blog. Most times (two thirds of the posts) they appear no problem yet occasionally they don’t unless I leave it a bit and then reblog at which point both the original and the reblog do appear…I am hopeless…blamed the world for the lost car keys today then found them in the loo where I must have put them previously…there’s no hope!

    1. First Svetlana digs me out now you young Marissa and there was me thinking what a kind gal you are…how very, very wrong I was! All this and now I have to go and have a flu jab…the nurse is a muscular lass standing 6 foot plus in bare feet and she’s never particularly liked me…not since the incident with the bed pan.

    1. True! What with all the posh reviewing it and Tracey Emin nicking me bedroom plus the groupies (although I have never found cleavage, suspenders and Zimmer frames that much of a turn when combined) I’ve not a moment to meself!

      1. Oddly I was forced to use a walking stick for a few weeks when I tumbled down a staircase recently…chose a neo- Nordic hand carved wooden number and was called a twat with alarming regularity…where I ask is the fairness in that!

      2. That’s what it’s like if your disabled, fancy walking stick or not (sounds beautiful) and worse since the Tories did their damage so I’m used to it. Funnily enough, it’s not so bad in Crete.

      3. ‘It’s Not So Bad in Crete’…almost a Leonard Cohen line…like it (does he not have a house there? Could be wrong). True though the Tories only look after their own and/or those who pay up front to be considered one of their own!

      4. Where was my ‘your’ so to speak…I’m as dyslexic as I don’t know what…my English teacher back in school once wrote ‘moron’ on my end of year report (100% true)…the wife was decorating things today so couldn’t do her usual proof read. I am cursed knowing loads of words I cannot spell in part or, most often, at all! My son is even worse yet still got a 1st! Funny old world really.

    1. Good be on you Sir. Plainly God his very self must review this…a point I shall ponder…more so thinking about a piece I just wrote…might be struck down by the infamous bolt of lightening then again might just go down the pub!

  1. Congratulations, Mike, on your wonderful book of which I will be purchasing a copy! Those editors at Twattersley Fromage have just risen one wrung higher on the literary ladder taking on a fellow such as yourself! (I was a little dismayed when I saw that Bill Cosby didn’t review your book, but then, silly me, I realized he’s a gentlemen who doesn’t prefer a pulse.)

    1. Bill Cosby! Wow what an opportunity missed…bloody brilliant. I can think of so many reviews he could have given…botheration! Mind you most would be to rude to use. Hope you enjoy the book…it follows a 200,000 word stab that took me 4.5 years that I deleted because it was rubbish yet I’m rather pleased with this one (subjective I know). I shall lose sleep hoping you enjoy it!

    1. I’ll have you know I’ve spent many a night going from pub to pub with old Bhudda (or Syd Arthur as he is known to me) and finishing off in fast food outlet. A big bloke admittedly but a sound fellow!

      1. It’s OK I was having a couple of beers with Syd just last night…he said he didn’t mind…shame he went home early as he fancied knocking out a few new ‘sayings’ for his forthcoming Book of Swoons’!

      2. I must agree…even now as I write she is in the new ensuite the chaps have built for me away from the stairs I fell down, painting its walls and ceiling etc…mind she knows I’d mess it up 100% if I got involved. It’s quite handy being useless on the practical side of things sometimes!

  2. I shall be writing a very long letter regarding the content of this book.
    And this time, I shall be using embossed envelopes!
    Mrs Eida Down
    The Pines
    Little Horses
    Stoke Poges

    1. Eida surely you remember me from those days back in Soho…the little club in Greek Street? Of course back then us chaps nicknamed you ‘Knickers’…you put Ann Summers on the map if I’m not mistaken…my how quickly time passes.

  3. Jessie Martinovic: Being one from ‘the rest of the planet’ SuperKindle came to the rescue, and therefore can ease the blind clue Mike Steeden sadly found himself within. Just the list of titles themselves stood in their own accord. Discussing politics with a grey seal & Caging reality in pickling jars were two poems that struck an initial cord & when read continued on the melody. As to the rest, I will tend to them over the next few weeks. Good job Mike 🙂

    1. I am quite hopeless Jessie…’the rest of the planet’ is I feel the best part of the planet so little plagued by us Brits…apart from when we meddle that is. As it happens Discussing Politics with a Grey Seal is a favourite of mine and my thanks to you for buying a copy…may the best of good fortune be upon you.

      1. I’m unsure why your so harsh on yourself Mike, you seem a nice enough person. I found it interesting the detective part in the book write up- what a job! and I think everyone is born with a good heart

      2. Albeit with entirely different motives I feel sometimes like Canute taking on Tide and Moon to prove his point that he had some control over things…of course Canute was trying to prove his silly divinity whereas I wish only for ‘people’ to listen to the B side of life’s vinyl and that is something this nation I was born in does so very badly…we the nation who globalized the little cottage industry that was called the slave trade (just one example) yet refer to ourselves as ‘Great’! Even now there sit 3,000 refugees in Calais trying to find a safe haven in the UK yet all we do is try to find reasons to keep the poor wretched souls out…just let them in I say! So simple, so obvious, so human those that matter can’t see it though! I reckon that the healthiest thing one can do is to beat oneself occasionally in quest to answer the moral dilemmas that we face…not that I can change much that is going on but just try to do my bit where I can. And yes I did have an interesting little business tracking down the scum and scallywags. Interesting point you make about everyone being born with a good heart…I’d love to agree but not sure really given some that I’ve met along the way…methinks there might be something to write about…there you’ve inspired this old fool…then again it is always the words of the gals that have inspired me…except when my wife reminds me…harshly I say…that the lawn needs mowing!

      3. B side of life’s vinyl will be your next hit I’m sure! In regards to the inequality you talk about, I am uneducated as to state any opinions as I have little knowledge in the airea or could blame it on living a somewhat ‘sheltered life’. I am still very young.

        Glad to have inspired Mike, anything about hearts wearing ying-yang would be worthy of attention

        You’ve got a lovely wife it sounds, bless

      4. That my wife is insane with no conception that that is so is a true blessing. I’m a lucky man indeed. Notwithstanding I shall credit you if the poem (now that I have returned from the café following my caffeine hit) comes to anything…I hope it does!

      5. I have come to the conclusion that ‘insanity’ is actually ‘normality’, and the so called ‘normality’ is insanity wearing a mask. Most don’t know their un-peeled onion facades, so we’ll leave them tidy & poke them occasional chaos of our roasted peels. Worth a re-read, it kind of makes sense.

        Great, you can shout me a coffee one day

      6. I agree. Save for there are two kinds of insanity that defy said definition. One is very real and born of a fading mind, the other is the one I envy namely to be so very out of synch with the rest of the human race yet blissfully going about one’s daily business entirely unaware of this otherwise obvious fact…those people, like my beautifully batty wife never wear the mask (good description) I don everyday. Time to buy the ink for my printer I forgot about when in town for coffee and people watching! Forgetfulness…a wonderful thing for an old fool to be allowed; frowned upon when young though…shame that!

      7. Yeah, oh don’t worry I used to live a life of many-a-mask and rattle with so much anxiety I could vomit just thinking about it. People pleaser I was. But anyway, goodluck with the ink, the words and the forgetfulness!

      8. Laura Marling ‘Goodbye England’…that song was about pleasing people. My songwriting youngest son got me onto her work and a very clever gal she is!

    1. Do you know what Inesephoto (were you Christened thus?) My parents wanted to call me Mikesnap by the way) what a blindingly great idea…I wonder if they’d let me do it! I am told there are one or two about to review (no doubt taking the ‘piss’ – excuse my French) but these would be so much better. You have my eternal thanks.

  4. Hey Mike.
    I am reading, and rereading, your book, Gentlemen Prefer A Pulse, and wanted to say thank you! Your sense of humor is beautifully twisted in the best way possible. 🙂

  5. Just had a good laugh at your post above which s just what I needed. Thanks. And thanks for finding my author page and liking my short story, Under Cover. Appreciated. Have a fun week. 🙂

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