FREDERICK PERKINS – ‘VELCRO CONSULTANT TO THE STARS’

hendrix

Ring ring…….ring ring……..ring

“Hello is there anyone there…hello……….”

“Frederick Perkins.”

“Is that the actual Frederick Perkins, Velcro Consultant to the Stars?”

“Yes, that is I – how can I help you?”

“Phew that’s a result – thought I might have got the wrong number.  Anyway, Jonathan Crumbly here. I am most interested in conspiracy theories and urban myths and have heard a little something on the grapevine that has whetted my appetite in terms of verification.”

“What’s that then Jonathan?”

“Well given that you are I understand the world’s foremost expert on the history, manufacture and usage of Velcro that more often than not you pass onto to the stars and celebrities via a myriad of social networking sites, can you confirm (or otherwise) the authenticity of this little gem I wonder?  You see there’s a bloke down the pub who swears that Jimi Hendrix suffered from a Velcro phobia (as yet unnamed by medical science) brought on after an unfortunate incident when bending over to fix the Velcro buckles on his trainers. It seems that his somewhat wayward haircut in the Afro style caused, when he leaned forward to affix said buckle, to become entwined with his frizzy locks and reluctant to cut his hair off to effect the removal of the trainer he had to take the decision to wear a Westerner hat from then on until the day he passed away.”

“Well Jonathan I am of the considered opinion that that story constitutes an urban myth no less.  Certainly it cannot be true. You see poor Jimi choked on his own vomit and died back in 1970. Whilst Velcro was invented by George de Mestral in 1948 its commercial uses in terms of shoe closures on footwear did not commence until well into the 1980’s no less.”

“Really, how very interesting.”

“Yes it is. Also there is another red herring doing the rounds you might want to make a mental note of, namely that the curly mopped child film star from the 1930’s Shirley Temple suffered the same fate whilst on the film set for the movie ‘Curly Top’ in 1935 – almost 20 years prior to its invention!  There are some cheeky rascals out there making up stories I can tell you.”

“How shocking.”

“True!  However what I can tell you by way of a little snippet is a funny tale from a few years ago when manufacturers of ladies knickers were blighted by a worldwide shortage of knicker elastic no less! 

“Tell me more.”

“I will do if you stop butting in.”

“Whatever, it was thus that some idiot designed such panties to include a Velcro gusset as an alternative…substitute if you like…to an elastic waistband with the intention of preventing them from falling down.  There was, it turns out uproar in the Northern Territory of Australia causing the Velcro gusset to be banned after several native Australian ladies found, road testing the knickers with said gussets got stuck to how shall I put it?  Well may as well go the Aussie route, their ‘bush’ which meant when popping to the loo the panties were stuck fast.  A number of them, as you can imagine had embarrassing little ‘accidents.’  Furthermore, I think you’ll also find said gussets play havoc with Brazilians yet as to if they have been banned there as well I’ll have to check and get back to you – let us just say there was many a ‘close shave’ in the wake of the furore.”

“Well that’s a stonker of a tale – I can’t wait to go down the pub and tell the boys that one! Thank you so much.”

“Only too pleased to be of assistance Jonathan.”

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29 thoughts on “FREDERICK PERKINS – ‘VELCRO CONSULTANT TO THE STARS’

  1. Well, it does appear that there have been uses of the velcro fly that date back to Marie Antoinette and even times in Ancient Egypt, if this video is to be believed…which of course, it should be.

    • Very good young Marissa…Velcro put to an almost erotic use…too much for an old fool like me…I suppose that’ll be yet another cold shower then! That style of guitar playing is rare these days also…not enough quality solo’s in the mainstream anymore!

      • Oh yes, ZZ Top is old style blues. Do you know them? It’s kind of funny to see them in their 80s era. They are usually a lot more serious but I think the 80s got everyone going a bit neon. This was a hit for a while but rarely gets played anymore like a lot of their other stuff does. Guess it went the way of velcro…

    • Cheers – having desperate problems trying to get from that bit on the home page right of screen on your comments, likes etc…every time I click on it the comments thing freezes out. Have you a demon mucking about with your stuff I wonder! We should – if so – track the bastard down a horsewhip him! Sorry if I’ve missed recent comments…I shall have to re-track. Also my anti-malware when installed a few weeks back picked up a host of odd things coming in via your site. I know it’s not you obviously but do we have a religious maniac maybe!

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