jessica 2

Previously when things turned sour in my life I’ve always turned to hugging trees – I find such solace in this simple act of communing with nature the only way I know how. Lately however, every place I go be it at work, to pray, within my relationship with my current partner Harry the ‘Bomb Thrower’ Evans and even at the shops people keep telling me I smell something chronic.  Frankly, given that I wash at least twice a month (using ethically sourced carbolic mind) I cannot see why I am cursed thus. Perhaps – although I am beginning to harbour doubts in this regard – poetry may offer some salvation. So here I gift you my latest – and possibly my last – poem.

At work my colleagues say I smell
That I chuck up a lot
That my odour is repulsive
And worsens when it’s hot

My boyfriend he threw up on me
Just the other day
Said I stunk like a cesspit
Or a brothel in Bombay

They’ve banned me from my local church
For the parishioner’s they urge
The choir master he passed out
Whilst conducting some holy dirge

At the shop that sells the fresh fish
The owner he did say
You do distress my patrons
So, ‘fuck off; go away’

I really cannot continue
Living my life like this
When even small boys at the bus stop
Laugh and take the piss

I think I will find a tree
And hug it quite a bit
Then throw a rope across a branch
And hang myself from it

As ever my dilemma persists and I feel another suicidal moment coming about me. It’ll be my 49th attempt and this time I am minded to try a combination of Ex-Lax and Vindaloo as I once heard of a pilgrim on the road to Basildon who ended it all with this concoction – although rumour has it the pilgrim had also drunk copious quantities of lager (sadly not to my taste so I may have to substitute this with a fermented herbal concoction). This may then be my last blog. However, before implementing this latest plan to end it all I know of a Goat Willow just up the road simply gagging for a hug.



      1. Perhaps. We had a guitar player in the band that used a natural deodorant that was supposedly safe for the atmosphere….some kind of crystal thing. After being in the studio with her for a couple of hours, I realized it wasn’t very effective.

      2. Hippie types you see! Always pong…and the vegans fart…one could smell it a mile off driving toward the aging hippie town of Totnes, Devon when we lived that way!

  1. I had a sixth grade student in my mathematics class years ago who smelled of cat piss and garlic. My classroom was on the second floor and not air conditioned.

      1. I’ve found that connection between poor hygiene and extreme intelligence several times in my life. Maybe if I stopped bathing my IQ would go up a few points.

  2. You’d think she would have learned to branch out. Not going out on a limb here, but I’d say she loved wood, yet couldn’t take it when the chips were down. Otherwise we might have needed to lumber over and watch her and her favorite tie the knot.

  3. hi Mike 🙂
    Thanks for that, it’s always good to be kept informed….
    there’s a guy at work… Merlin we think… has a ‘sweet smell’, is it not aftershave? guess not 😉

      1. apologies, the owls were silent tonight, so i asked Merlin & he said that he had heard the owl “sounding out a cow”, what do you make of this Mike?

      2. You plainly have your answer as to why Merlin smells a bit and perhaps the reason Camelot drifted into legend! Any wizard confusing an owl for a cow is more than likely to confuse after shave for something much more unpleasant and thus it came to pass the Age of Chivalry was no more!

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