That somewhere twixt idle thought and spoken word there exists within her grey matter a temporal lacuna was beyond reasonable doubt. More examples than he had had hot dinners if the truth be told. ‘Her endearing feature’ he warily labelled it.

For reasons unknown, undeserved even, she had always taken for granted that he knew everything, the whole shebang…or was it just that he was her security blanket. After all, outlandish questions were her forte, as was her propensity to put of forth quite the daftest, sometimes precocious propositions.

She was sat curled up upon the sofa on autumn’s eve, before her a ‘one day soon to be lit’ log fire, reading glasses precariously perched on the bridge of her nose. He took due account of the fact she was looking as delectable as ever. Carefully she rested her shorn of dust cover hardback on the wonky side table. Telepathy gave advance notice that she was set to interrupt his red wine solo musings. Not that he minded the prospect of an inevitable, never less than entertaining diversion.

“Bottlenose dolphins?”

“What about them?”

“It said in my book that when it comes to body mass to brain ratio the Bottlenose has one of the largest brains in the animal kingdom, second only to humans…indeed are even self-aware”

“Common knowledge, what of it?”

“Well I was wondering what they would be like if they had arms and legs and could live upon terra firma…what exactly would they do”

But they haven’t though have they. Next question!”

“No…bloody cheek. Listen to me, if dolphins are self-aware that means – and science has proven this – that they are social, can teach, learn, cooperate, scheme and grieve. Also they are thought to have a language of sort using that clickity noise they make so basically they can do all the things we can do except we have limbs and can make things”

“That clickity noise you refer to is likely for navigational purposes, although I am open to the contrary view…any way where are you going with this?”

“Well imagine a dolphin brain in a human body and lots of them at that, all living on an island together. Would they open shops…clothes shops specifically”

“Do what!”

“Well it stands to reason that once out of the water there would be day/night and also seasonal temperature variations plus…and this is the interesting bit to me, ‘modesty’ to consider. I feel sure young Miss Dolphin would not wish to wander about the place without a stich on…although the Jack the Lad bloke dolphins would reckon it a fine thing no doubt!”

“What are you on about…the bloody things are stark bollock naked in the sea aren’t they…not the slightest bit bashful in the ocean…don’t even know they’re naked”

“We’ve been known to swim naked! I presume you’ve not forgotten our shenanigans in Cornwall? Whatever, so while we might swim naked we certainly wouldn’t wander about the town square thus would we? Besides we’d be arrested!”

“Ever the philosopher…are you building up to some sort of allegory re the ethical virtue of an exclusive brain and limb combination manifestation of consciousness to creationist’s and evolutionist’s alike or will you favour just the one side of that debate?”

“Well without limbs to make things no matter how fine the brain might be we’d spend our lives’ nude”

Or be extinct more like”

“Not if we turned back into dolphins…or any marine mammals…you’d make a good Sperm Whale I think!”

“God give me strength…apes…what about apes, man’s closest relatives…they haven’t opened a branch of Next or planned a new season’s wardrobe for the cat walks of Paris to the best of my knowledge!”

“Monkeys are covered in hair so that doesn’t count”

“Bloke in our cricket team is as hairy as I don’t know what but he doesn’t set off to work in the raw does he?”

“He might as well do…the sight of him with his top off that day made me urge…hirsute or what! I rest my case!”

“Fancy another glass of wine?”

“Why not…and I might add Adam and Eve had their kit off all the time and they were not constantly ‘at it’ to start with…maybe they were really dolphins and the sea was The Garden of Eden…maybe this God chappie kicked them out because they started to grow ‘bits’ and groped and gawped at each other…probably how sex for pleasure rather than tedious procreation kicked off!”

“So you’re saying the development of ‘bits’ as you succinctly put it proves the case for evolution?”

“Suppose I am… ‘Survival of the Most Inviting Bits’!”

“I shall name you Mrs. Darwin henceforth!”



  1. How you got from dolphins brains in humans to dolphins opening up stores to monkeys to Survival of the Most Inviting Bits, I’ll never know. All the more for the workings of your weird and wonderful mind…though I do wonder…would this mean that just those bits would survive, or the people who have the most inviting among them?

    1. You know young Marissa I’m truly not sure save for the fact that I would be curious to know what would happen if my brain was removed and a dolphins one affixed…obviously someone would have to film the event…promising of course not to post it FB!

      1. Well, everything gets posted on FB eventually, you know. I suspect you might make some ridiculous yet oddly soothing noises and then produce a blog that is so intelligent I couldn’t possibly keep up.

  2. Reading usually takes great concentration for me to achieve sufficiently, and usually more goes than one. This felt like I was watching it, rather than reading. Just wonderful. I decided to match one of your poems to it, a hors d’oeuvres perhaps. A double dose & a runny nose. Quite possibly because runny nose kind of rhymes with bottlenose. But saying it out aloud, it probably doesn’t, and maybe it was just the word nose, who knows.

    1. I think a collective noun for noses is overdue…I shall offer the word my wife uses with alarming regularity ‘A Sufficiency of Noses’ (based around the fact that one can have too many). As I was saying to Marissa I want to spend a day with a dolphin brain and have a video running I can watch back later…one for the awful thing named a bucket list…in truth it’s the only thing I can think off for my list…well perhaps Svetlana also!

    1. A sentence one doesn’t hear that often…if ever. For a small donation to a charity of your choice you are most welcome to it! Just hope you can deal with the occasional overwhelming urge to take lager!

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